Melancholic 37 year old male seeks woman who won't cheat, steal all his money, or otherwise take advantage. I'm a computer geek, have no ambition or goals, and tend to spend my weekends sitting at home staring at the wall. I'm very demanding, lazy, and hate to go out. Oh and I have to mention that I'm OCD so I'll probably spend most of the time you're at my house cleaning up after you. My last girlfriend couldn't handle the beatings when she was bad...so I need to find a replacement.

Now that we have that out of the way a little about me:

My heroes are Elvis and Joe Dirt.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees; I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

I solve fourth order non-linear differential equations for fun. I'm callipygian.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.

On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Paradise Lost, and Dante’s Inferno in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bull-fights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri-Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

I brew remarkable beers using only tap water and tapioca pudding. I have had stints as a stand-up comedian. I am dextiambrous and lysdexic. I understand fugacity and its applications to chemical equilibrium.

If this sounds like someone you'd like to know I’d love to hear from you. Also, I usually don't send out emails because no one answers them anyway but if you email me I will write you back.