There is a time every year, that we sit and reflect in the past year. And today, just so happens to finally be that day. I look at this past year, and a lot has changed. Not necessarily bad, not necessarily good. But I wanted to sit here and write down everything that I'm thankful for this year. :) Cuz 1. It's polite 2. I'm bored and 3. So everyone can see everything that I'm thankful for.
#1. My Son - He was the one to make me strong. He's been the brightness of my life. Without him, I would have never gotten out of the abusive relationship that I was in with his father. If it wasn't for him, I'm sure there would have been some really stupid things that I would have (parties, etc.). Since he has been here, I look at him, and I do see his father, but I don't see the bad parts anymore. I look at him, and I see that just because someone is a bad person, they can't create such a beautiful, smart, healthy child. I can't even begin to court how many times, I have laid next to him while he was sleeping or even hold him, and look down at him, and just all my worries would disappear. Or how many times, that I was upset, and he has came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said "No Cry Mommy. It be ok." and give me a kiss and a big bear hug. Even though that he isn't with me right now, by my choice. It doesn't mean that I love him any less than if he was sitting here in my lap right now. He is my reason for going on each and every day, because he deserves the best of everything.
#2. My Mother - If it wasn't for her.. I wouldn't be here. Point blank. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. She gave me life. She has protected me from harm all these years, and spent countless hours in the hospitals and doctors with me throughout my life time. Even though, I'm sure, growing up, and even to this day, my mom will tell you that she will never give birth again, thanks to me. (She had difficult child birth with me... I told the world to "Kiss my ass" when I was born... Came out butt first). All the hard work of being a single mother with 3 children at home to feed. She will tell you that I was one of the well-behaved children growing up. But, I know we have had our battles. And now, 24 years after giving birth, she is taking care of my son for me until I get settled down and can bring him to me again. I could never repay her for all the help, guidance, tears, fights, discipline, hugs, kisses, love and devotion that she has given to me. Even when I made her cringe or her blood boil.. I know that she still loved me, with every breath she takes.
#3. My Step-Father - I can't even imagine my life without him. He's been there since I can remember. He's always been apart of my life. He was the one when I was little, when we would go to the store... I would ask mom for a candy bar. Mom said "No". Daddy said "Yes". We would go to the video store. I seen a movie (Little Giants) that I wanted so bad, that I cried. The next day, when I got home from school. The movie was sitting on top of the VCR waiting to be watched. To this day, he will tell you that he is surprised that the movie even works anymore from as many times as I watched it. I remember my bunny... I was never the child that had a "blankie" or "stuffed animal"... Until he gave me that bunny. I remember that I even had to take that bunny to grandma's house, so I would sleep at night. I remember, the day I left to move in with my real father, standing in grandma's drive way, dad was in the the blue ranger... At that time, him & mom split up, and I don't even remember why he was there, but he looked at me and told me "Just because me and your mother aren't working out, doesn't mean that I don't love you, you can call me if you ever need anything".... I was only 12. To me, my whole family will tell you, he isn't my "Step-Father"... He IS my Daddy.
#4. My Sister (Tanya) - Oh the things that she has taught me over the years. She is one of the most strongest women that I have ever known, or will ever meet in my life. She has taught me what it's like to hide my emotions, in the most extreme situation, which I still can't do (LoL) , but I know that it can be done. She has stood up to a grown-abusive man, and bluntly told him "Kiss My Ass", and shoved him out of her life after 18 years. And to this day, doesn't cave to him like she once did. She has cried, bleed, sweat all of her life, due to his hands, but yet, she is still beautiful, smart, hard-headed, and loud-mouth as though it never happened. She has taught me that no matter the situation you're in, no matter how bad it is, there IS always a pot of gold at the end.
#5 My Brother (Rob) - Even though we don't talk much, and we never really bonded as some brothers and sisters do. I have learned a lot from him. Mostly, not to trust people too far from his bad judgments, BUT everyone makes mistakes, and I don't love him any less for that. I remember going to the airports to pick him up when he would come home for leave from the Navy. I remember getting the postcard with a HUGE "battleship" on it. (It was really an aircraft carrier). I even remember, going to see him behind that glass wall. And the day before I left home... I got my first REAL "Big brother" letter, telling me that I would regret leaving home. Included, the story how he was to see our grandfather the day before he passed away, and decided to wait until morning to go, and he was 45 minutes too late to even say goodbye. Threw his bad decisions, he does have a heart, and honestly, I didn't see it too clearly until that letter came. I guess I watched too much television growing up and seen how the "Big brother" was this guy that you could talk to, hug, cry to, etc. It was never like that between him and I, and honestly, I think that's due to our age difference. I just thought he was just another relative, that you seen every so often, then... I had my son. And I have NEVER, in my life, seen his eyes light up when him and my son would play together. And I seen how truly happy it made him to feel to be "Uncle Rob"... Then, that letter came... and it hit me like a rock. Here I was, age 24, and I don't even remember EVER talking about a broken heart, or some kind of family problem with him, or nothing. And I get this letter from him, telling me how he really cared about me, loved me, didn't want to see me go 2,000 miles away, admitting that he's made bad decisions in his life..... That day, I realized... He's not just a relative... That's my Big Brother..
#6 The rest of my family - As all of you know, our family is pretty big. I can't sit here and list memories from everyone. Well, I could, but I'm sure you guys want to read this before 2010. LoL. Maybe some day, I will sit here and do it, when there is more time to spare. I love each and every one of you, and I am thankful for everyone. Even those that we only see once a year, or that disappeared for years at a time. I want all of you to know and understand, that just because we're all miles apart, especially now with me 2,000 miles away.... That I am thankful for everything and everyone, and that just because I'm here and you're there, that you're not in my thoughts, prayers, and my every day life. I have not, will not, ever be ungrateful for any of you. No matter how many times we have argued, fought, cried, bleed for each other. Without you guys, I wouldn't be the person I am today.
#7 My Son's Father - Surprised to see his name, huh? But, I am thankful for him. And I do still love him for what he has taught me over the years, including what he's teaching me now. He gave me my reason to go on. He gave me my life. He gave me my heart, body, and soul. He built me. My family created me, but that man, built me up, and tore me down, re-built me, just to watch me fall. He gave me my son. He took my heart, ripped it out of my chest, bit a piece off of it, chewed it up, spit it to the ground, and stomped on it, repeatedly, over the course of now going on 10 years. Since I was 14, this man has been apart of my life, in some way, shape or form. I have cried for him. Bleed for him. Kissed the ground he walked on when the rest of the world turned him away. He has taught me what love is, but except showing me in the true light, he taught me in a negative way. He taught me what it was like to be "Blinded by love". He taught me how to be a mother by giving me a child. He taught me how to be a woman by giving me a child. He taught me how family came first by not allowing me to have friends. He taught me that no matter what, it would be ok by breaking my heart in more ways than anyone could ever imagine. He showed me, and continues to show me everyday, that there are always two sides to people. That caring, loving, gentle people, can, in fact, be the most horrible, abusive, degrading pieces of shit that has walked the planet. He has shown me how men think, feel, believe, and are. And I thank him, because he gave me my first and worst experience with the opposite sex. He showed me, that a man can't love you if he hits you. A man can't love you, if he won't go work for his family. A man can't love you, if he goes to jail after promising he was done "being bad". And most of all, he taught me that the most ridiculous, horrible, pitiful poor excuse of a man, CAN, in fact, create the most beautiful, precious, loving, caring, healthy baby boy that anyone on this planet could ask for.
#8. James (Dangerous Mind/DaNGeR) - I met a man on the Internet, who was my "Big Brother"... If I needed to vent, was angry, or just need someone to tell me a good joke to make me smile, he was the one that did it. He was the one that taught me more about music than most people have in my entire lifetime. And I just want to take this time out to thank him for one simple thing.... For telling me, yelling at me, raising his voice at me, every day, I quote, "If you love him so damn much, then take the money you have, and go be with him!" .... For those simple words, I am forever in debt to him. He is the one that made me get over my fears, my doubts, etc. over meeting the man, that is now my boyfriend, lover, roommate, best friend, and companion. I will never forget him for those great words of advice.
#9. Jenn & Chuck - They opened their home to me, someone they never met before. They trusted me, believed me, and even made me smile every day. Even though I was only at their house for about 3 weeks, I seen how there were, in fact, true friends out there, that did matter, that did care about your situation, and helped you make some decisions, not force them down your throat. And, I made Jenn addicted to Hot Pockets ((Sorry Chuck)). And I am forever in debt to both of them, for helping me get to where I wanted to be, whereas the others didn't even want to talk to me about the situation and just say "NO! Bad idea!".
#10. Patrick - Oh Where Oh Where do I begin? First off, he was the first guy that actually treated me like a human being instead of some piece of meat. The guy that I could sit on the phone for hours and not say one word, but we were happy that we were just on the phone with each other. And the guy that I could tell anything and everything to, no matter how stupid, dumb, boring, dull it was. He would always listen, laugh, crack jokes, even cry with me. At this time, a guy that I never met before, someone clear on the opposite side of the country!! Someone, I, in fact, thought that I would NEVER in my lifetime ever meet, because he was just too far away from me. Then, the day came, the day for me to get onto that plane to meet him for the first time, and start living with him. That night at the SeaTec Airport, when I got off of those escalators and looked him into the eyes, I KNEW that very second, he was what I have been looking for. Who would have thought, a little "hometown/country/loner" girl like me, would look into the eyes of this "Married (soon to be divorced for those that don't already know)/Kid Generator (11 Kids... 3 by birth, 8 "neighborhood/kids' friends")/Party King/Club King/Socializer" guy, and fireworks would fly!! I can't stay upset with him for longer than 10 minutes. He puts me before him. He's helping me more and more every day to get my life back, and for US to go get my baby boy, so we can all be together once and for all. I have only been physically with him for a... almost a month, not quite yet, but I can't picture my life without him already, and it feels like I have known him forever! ((Now if I could just figure out how to get to Wal-Mart, I'd be fine)). LoL.
#11 Everyone Else - You guys know who you are for the most part, if you don't, you can ask, but I have already spent an hour typing all of this, and I'm frankly tired. LoL. I am thankful for every single one of you, for some reason or another. I love you all as well. You all have been great friends, and I am forever thankful for that. I would sit and write a list, but it would go on forever!! LoL. I love you guys. :)
With that being said, I just want to let everyone know that I wish you all a very Happy New Year. I know that I may not be online as much as I use to, and that I even live 2,000+ miles away from most of you now, doesn't mean that I don't love any of you any less. I think about all of you, always. And I can't wait to come see all of you again. If you do need anything, or just want to talk, don't be afraid to write me a message on here, I check it daily. :) I love you all!! **hugs & kisses**
