invisible guy's blog: "new blog 001"

IF YOU EVER BEEN SORE FROM WORKING OUT YOU'LL APRECIATE THIS Current mood: cheerful Category: Life OK, NOW THIS I ACTUALLY GOT FROM A GAL THAT LIVES BY ME I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD I WAS CRYING, THIS IS AWESOME!! Anyone that has ever been sore from working out can appreciate this! Current mood: cheerful If you don't laugh when you read this, we may not have much in common. I laughed so hard when I read this! I love it! Dear Diary For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . . . MONDAY Started my day at 600 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too. THURSDAY Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy...:

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You just have to have a mother-in-law!!!! We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car...

Here are some things to offend everyone. WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 MEXICANS PLAYING BASKETBALL?? JUAN ON JUAN. WHAT IS A YANKEE?? THE SAME AS A QUICKIE, BUT A GUY CAN DO IT ALONE. wHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?? THE POSITION OF THE DIRT BAG WHY IS DIVORCE SO EXPENSIVE?? BECAUSE ITS WORTH IT WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY BENDS OVER?? DOUGHNUTS WHY IS AIR A LOT LIKE SEX?? BECAUSE ITS NO BIG DEAL UNLESS UR NOT GETTING ANY. WHAT DO YOU CALL A SMART BLONDE?? A GOLDEN RETRIEVER WAHT DO ATTORNEYS USE FOR BIRTHCONTROL??? THERE PERSONALITY WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A G/F AND A WIFE?? ABOUT 45 LBS WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BWRWEEN A B/F AND HUSBAND?? ABOUT 45 MINUTES WHATS THE FASTEST WAY TO A MANS HEART??? THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A SHARP KNIFE WHY OD MEN WANT TO MARRY VIRGINS?? THEY CANT STAND CRITICISM WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NEW HUSBAND AND A NEW DOG?? AFTER A YEAR THE DOG IS STILL HAPPY TO SEE YOU WHAT MAKES MEN CHASE WOMEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF MARRYING?? THE SAME REASON DOGS CHASE CARS THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DRIVING. WHY DOES MIKE TYSON CRY DURING SEX?? MACE WILL DO THAT TO YOU WHY DID OJ SIMPSON MOVE TO ARKANSAS?? EVERYONE HAS THE SAME DNA WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN AN ITALIAN HAS ONE ARM SHORTER THAN THE OTHER??? A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THE FLAG AT THE POST OFFICE IS FLYING AT HALF-MAST??? THERE HIRING WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO??? A SHOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE ALONG WITH "RECIPE"

Things that make you think alittle: There were 39 combat related deaths in iraq in january. In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of january. Thats just one american city, about as deadly as the entire war-torn Iraq. When some claim that President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following; A)FDR led us into World War 11 B)Germany never attacked us, Japan did from 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost,an average of 112,500 C)Truman finished that war and started one in Korea. North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost, and average of 18,334 D)John F Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962. Vietnam never attacked us. E)Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. from 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost...and average of 5,800 per year. F)Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osoma bin laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan, he did nothing. Osama attacked us on multiple occasions. G)In the yars since terrorists attacked us, President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, cruppled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, iran, and North Korea without firing a shot,and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people. The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, it took less time to take iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidson Compound. that was a 51 day operation. We've been looking for evidence for chemical weapons in iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Gueard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after this Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick. more to come....

Christmas Story for people having a bad day.... When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Subject: Home Depot Scam- Please Read Subject: Home depot scam Thought you might share this with your friends. A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So be careful

Little Johnny gets home and has to learn the difference between theory and reality. He goes to his mother, Mom do you know the difference between theory and reality. His mom busy making dinner, asks johnny to go ask his father. Johnny goes to the garage and asks his father, "father, whats the difference between theory and reality?" The father replies, thats easy son. Johnny I want you to go ask you mom if she would sleep with someone for a million dollars. Johnny goes to the kitchen, says "mom, would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?" Mom after thinkin for a few minutes, says " well Johnny we could use a new washer, dryer, fridge, and some other things, so yes I would sleep with someone for a million dollars." Johnny runs back to his father, Dad!! "mom said yes, we needed new stuff, and yes she would sleep with someone for a million dollars" So the father then says to Johnny, well son go ask your sister if she would sleep with someone for a million dollars. So JOhnny runs to his sisters room says "hey sis, would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?" Hell yea!!! his sister replies. Johnny then runs back to the garage, and says dad, Sis said "hell yea!!" and then the father says to Johnny, see son, in theory, we should be millionaires.....in reality we live with two whores!!!!!!!!! ha ha

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" * She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" * The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says........................................... " Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf." .

just like to thank everyone for commenting on my page and pics, atleast the few who read this!

Subject: THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T . . . 1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. 3. The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle". 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 9. On average,12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explo! de. 13. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. 16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.) 18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! 22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. 25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) 26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) 27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb 28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 33. Astronauts ! are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail." >From LeRoy What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on the door for no reason.