Monger's blog: "Never Asked, But Always Answered"

It never really seems to fail. I can be on top of the world, happy as I can be, when something happens. An accident, fall out with a friend, something of my own doing... It just seems to happen. This time, it's not any one person's fault, nor was there any wrong doing... A very good friend of mine has been fighting cancer for several months now. I was under the impression things were going weel and she was pulling through just fine. That is, until I had a conversation with her yesterday. She's scheduled to go into surgery soon to remove the cancer. That much I knew, what I didn't know was just how severe it had progressed. After we talked for awhile, she told me that during this surgery she has to have her uterus, overies and parts of her kidneys removed. It's a serious operation, that could be fatal. She said the doctors told her she'd have a 50/50 chance of making it through the surgery. That's not saying anything about if the cancer would come back or any other complications. She's scared and so am I. Folks, please add my friend and her children to your prayers.

It's amazing how random things can be in life. Great one minute, terrible the next. Those who read my blog know I have an up and down life, partly due to depression and partly bad luck. Things for me seem to be going well. I'll be attending college this fall for the first time. It's been somewhat stressful for me preparing for it, but I am managing so far thanks to some help from an incredible friend. Speaking of which... I met someone, a great person. We are just friends for the time being, which is for the best. I want to take things slow and easy this time around. Don't want to give her the wrong idea or for me to get in over my head. I'd like to think something will come from this, but if it doesn't and we just stay friends, that's fine too. She's a great person all around. Now on to the bad. *sigh* My grandpa's altzhiemers struck again this week. Yesterday morning, while I was still in bed, he snuck into the rear gate of my horse lot, put halters on my horses and was going to take them. He apparently thought they were his "missing" horses and was going to take them back to his barn to sell later on... Thankfully my uncle had seen him and stopped him from taking them. The really bad part of this, is that my youngest mare is tempramental and can be very unpredictable. He's lucky she didn't go nuts and injure him or worse... I have since put a padlock on my second gate to hopefully prevent this from happening again. I wasn't even aware it had happened until later in the afternoon when I heard my mom yell in the front door of the house asking why one of the horses had a halter on... So.. Yeah... Thanks to my uncle for informing me right away... =-P Basically this week has been up and down all week long. Two more days to go... Let's hope things go back to being on a high note.

Some of you know that my Grandfather (Who has been more of a father to me than my actual dad) is suffering from Altzhiemer's disease. He has good says and bad. Sadly, the good days are getting fewer each week. Lately, he has taken to cursing past friends/aquaintances saying they stole his horses, his cattle, his land, etc... Anything that was sold long ago. Well, the horses were sold only a year ago and he forgot about it that same day and has been on a tear about it ever since. He talks of buildings on the property that aren't there. Accuses Grandma of terrible things... He doesn't recognise people most of the time or if he does, he sees them as if they were children. Last year at my birthday party, when I went to leave his house he stood up shook my hand and said "Thanks for visiting, buddy. You should come by again soon." He didn't know who I was or why I was there. I couldn't (and still can't) handle seeing him that way. Today has to be the worst... He climbed into his truck (which he had completely repaired behind the family's back) drove to the barn to check on the "horses". Grandma had no idea that he took thr truck. Well I watched him at the barn from my place, saw him fiddle with the chain lock (which he can't even properly work anymore) for awhile, then climb back into his truck. He turned the wrong way and headed towards my house instead of his, which isn't unusual for him to come here after being at the barn. Well he drove right past here and kept going. I was in panaic mode at that point. I called grandma and told her what was going on, but there wasn't anything we could do. He was headed for the highway and then god knows where else. I ran back outside and thankfully caught a glimpse of his truck in the distance coming back this way. I watched as he drove past here and if it hadn't been for grandma flagging him down he was going to keep going past their house. He didn't know that was where he lived and he just wanted to go back "home". Mom and I both keep pleading with grandma and my uncles to take his keys away, but the keep refusing. Hopefully after today, they will get a clue and take his keys. I am completely terrified that he will either get into an accident or become one of the elderly people I've heard about on the news. The ones that get into their vehicle, drive off and are either never heard from again or found dead somewhere. I just can't handle it anymore.

This is a subject I am normally shy about or more often than not, give the wrong impression of when I do talk about it. But, since I'm in a fairly decent mood today, I figured I'd lay it out in the open. I'll break it down into a few categories, can't put a exact amount for the number of categories since it might change as I write. 1) Appearance: Really this isn't all that important to me. Hair color/length doesn't matter, eye color doesn't either. However, sparkly eyes are a weakness of mine. Body type doesn't really matter either, though it does matter if she doesn't take care of health. I've always been a sucker for a nice pair of legs too, but I'm not too picky their either. lol Age? Well... I'd prefer it is she were closer to me in age, but a little older or a lil younger is fine with me. 2) Intelligence: If she's able to carry a decent conversation, I'm happy. I mean, I don't go for the dumb as a post type, no matter how hot they are. Not too smart, not too dumb. A happy medium works for me. 3) The Relationship: I'm looking for a girl that can not only be a lover, but my best friend. Someone that shares a lot in common with me. Doesn't have to be everything. We all have our own preferances, so if she would like to go off one evening doing her own thing, I'm fine with that. As long as I'm shown the same courtesy. Someone who would look to me when something was wrong and share it, regaurdless of what it is. Again, willing to do the same for me. I can be high maintenence with my depression/anxiety, though as said in my other posts I am getting better every week. Still, she would have to be able to put of with random bouts rare as they are, should one arise. All I'd need is for her to be willing to listen to me talk about it. It helps immensly when I can discuss the problem when going through a bout of it. I'm more than willing to do the same for her, should the time come. Hopefully, she'd like to join me for late night walks, or just sitting outside watching the stars. Curl up on the couch and watch a movie... Or just going out to have fun. 4) No title here. I'm just going to say that by now, you may (or may not) have noticed I didn't mention sex. Well, that was on purpose. As much as I joke around about it or talk about it. It's not the biggest prioriety in a relationship for me at this time. I'm not saying it's not something I don't consider important, I'm saying I would rather build a relationship built on love/trust than sex. We can always work on the sex part later. =-)

Otherwise known as "I'm a chicken shit that thinks I'm hurting some one by giving them a low rating." Since I seem to be a recent "victim" of someone (or multiple someone's) down rating a picture, I figured I'd speak my mind on it here in my trusty blog, that all four or five of you read. Now, really... What is it supposed to accomplish when someone down rates a picture? Hurt their feelings? No, not really. Irritate them? Yeah, some what. Make an ass out of yourself? Most definately. What people don't seem to get is that the ratings while (Wrongly, in my opinion) are anonymous, it's not too hard to figure out who's doing it, especially on low traffic pages like mine. But that's not really the point of the blog. Nope, my point is the immaturity of people that pull such a stunt. Probably the same types that cruise CT for boobies and get pissed when they don't see them. lol Some do it out of jealousy, some do it out of anger, but when it comes down to it, they all do it out of stupidity. In the long run, when the annoyance passes, the down rating means nothing. Except in certain instance, like contests it could do the most harm, I suppose. Reguardless, I still don't see why people would think it would do any harm. If someone goes to a profile and sees a picture they like, it'll get a 10 (or 11). If they are point whores and see a picture, it'll get a 10 (or 11) reguardless. hehe In the end, what does the childish act of down rating accomplish? A lower number by my picture. Whoopty fricken doo.

*sigh* It's amazing just how dabilitating depression can be for an individual. When I was in high school I was diagnosed with mild depression (which I neglected to mention last time) and it caused me some issues (mostly personal and grades) during my senior year. Well fast forward 12 years later (geez.. 12 years) It has become an issue for me again, as I mentioned in my last post. Well, unfortunately there were a series of problems (mostly family related) that hit me at the same time as this bout set in on me. Basically everything, the stress, anxiety and hurt were mulplied a thousand fold. It's happened to me before, but not quite as bad this time around. It was just a really random set of circumstances that all happened at once. It was just random coincidence that they all happened at that time. Unfortunately it left me with random bouts of crying, a serious lack of sleep and I have been physically ill. I am getting better not really depressed anymore, but the first few days were really rough on me. The physical illness seems to be what is going to hang on for awhile. Hopefully not too long. I am back to eating regularly again, so that's a good sign. The anxiety almost always causes a large acid build up in my stomach, which burns like hell. I guess you could call it a four alarm case of heart burn. That, along with my mind constantly wandering leads to a lack of sleep. That seems to be alternating nights now, at least. I sleep okay one night, lay awake the next. The worst part of this is that I didn't have a therapy session scheduled this week, due to a scheduling conflict. All that aside, though it may not seem like it, things are getting better for me. My bouts of depression are getting farther and farther apart, hopefully gone for good soon.

Once again I managed to go and completely ruin a good thing... I opened my mouth and said something I probably shouldn't have. I ruined a great friendship in the process... Oh everything that was said was completely innocent, but the timing was horrible. Now I am one friend less and completely disgusted at myself for just being me. I just don't know what it is about me... I can never say the right things at the right time. It could go back to the depression/anxiety, who knows... I just know that I always seem to be on the wrong end of poor timing. I don't know if I scared her off because of my nervousness or if I just said the wrong thing... What ever it was I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing. =-( What hurts the most is that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore or even be friends... I messed things up bad enough, I was lucky that even told me that much. It did lessen the hurt some what that she did tell me something though... I mean, it almost went where she just cut me off entirely with no explanation... She said she wanted to break our communication/friendship to spare my feelings since they were not the same, which is fine. I just don't think she understood how much it hurt me that she almost went without saying anything at all. I am not, nor will I ever place any blame on her for the matter. I got the wrong idea or the wrong vibe I guess you could say, and I take responsibility for that. I just wish would could have stayed friends. Yeah, she doesn't feel the same way, but I would not have let that affect our friendship at all. It wouldn't be the first time I've done that and at the rate... Probably won't be the last. I seem to be doomed to be forever single, always getting the "Let's be friends", "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression", all of which are my own fault. Yeah I have been manipulated before, but... More often than not I catch on and end things there. This time was just the usual screw up by the idiot that is me. I don't know... Maybe I just deservet to be alone after all.

It's been awhile since I have written anything about myself, so I here I am. I figured this would be a good place to start for those who don't know me yet or a helpful guide for those who do. I was diagnosed with severe depression with high anxiety (along with low self esteem and a couple fear related disorders) last year. Now before anyone get's the wrong idea, most of the time I am fine. Normal everyday person. Granted, my nerves/anxiety tends to really kick in when I am in large groups of people. Also, beautiful women tend to set off my nerves as well. Think of it as your average person getting the case of the nerves times ten. The depression comes and goes on it's own. Sometimes random events trigger it. Sometimes it just hits me out of no where. I've also noticed my migrane medication tends to set it into high gear when I take a full dose. Nice... What does all this mean? Well I tend to blame myself when something goes wrong or if some innocent event happens. Even though I know in my head nothing happened, I tend to think I messed things up on my own. Sadly, this often gives people the wrong impression of who I really am and has cost me more friendships/relationships than I care to admit to. I am currently seeing a therapist and making great strides. Things are going well, but I tend to have a relapse every so often. Esepcially after a family argument (which happens fairly often these days) or just having a bad day. Take this past saturday for example. I had a terrible day. No sleep the night before, terribly uncomfortable (the temp went up), I was a walking zombie, people would talk to me and all I'd get was "Whua, whua, whua whuaaaa..." As luck would have it, most of the people I talk to for cheering up weren't around. Or if they were, I seemed to keep catching them just as they were logging out. With all that, I was just fine today, back to my normal self. Though, with a few apologies to hand out, since I was upset. I tended to let my imagination get the better of me. I thought I had upset someone close to me and well, I didn't. *sigh* It bugs me when I let that happen, but it does on occasion. So, hun... If you are reading this. I am sorry about that.

It bugs me to know end (and I'm not alone in this) that there are an amazing amount of people here that just plain seem to care only about points and not about being friends. Honestly I don't mind that people are out for points, that's fine. At least many are up front about it. Some just do it under the guise of wanting to be a friend and that's when it annoys me. They'll rate your profile/prictures 10's, ask to be friends/become a fan then ask for the same in return, then you'll never hear from said person again. There are a few on my list (and shall remain nameless) that I have tried to contact since adding them to my list, only to have my messages go unanswered. Doesn't matter if it's a private message, comment on their page, or through the shoutbox. Sure, some could be busy with a conversation or get several bulletins in one day. That takes care of the shoutbox or the bulletins, but not the private messages. Thanks to the way the system is set up, we can all tell if our sent messages have been read or not. Each time I was ignored/snubbed the messages I had sent were read. They simply don't reply. Personally I see that as extremely rude. Of my personal friend list there are a scant few (as compared to the total number on my list) that actually talk to me or reply to my messages. Honestly, a few of that group will probably even read this. You know who you are... (kisses to my ever-so-sexy crush.) I dunno, like some I have talked to, I'm getting a little fed up with things. Will I leave? No, probably not... Will I make wholesale changes in my friend list? That's entirely possible. Hey, if you like me enough to rate me a 10, at least be decent enough to leave me a hello, read my blog, or the F'n bulletins when I post them... I mean really... What else are they for, other than for all of you to read them and either have fun or to learn about your's truly?

So many days, so little blogs. It's strange, as much as I like to write, when it comes to writing about myself I absolutly stink at it. Still, it never stops me from giving a go at it. If I don't mention something you may be curious about, feel free to ask me. I'm fairly open and very honest. I have mentioned before that I am a movie buff, though it is mainly horror and sci-fi that I like. I have well over 200 horror/sci-fi movies in my dvd collection. Mostly from 70's and earlier (including silent movies Nosferatu and Phantom of the Opera), but I do have more recent movies as well. Really though, I think many horror movies these days are terrible. Not in the good way either. They are basic cookie cutter blood 'n gore fests that don't really serve much of a purpose other than to get boobs shown and people eviserated. Not that there's anything wrong with that. =-) I'd just like a lil more story to go with it. For someone with a sense of humor like I have, I'm not really a fan of comedies either. Yeah, they can make me laugh, but eh... So does the president. Action/ adventure is fine, but in the end I will always be a sci-fi/horror fan. Even if it's an older movie with cheesey effect and hokie dialogue. That's part of what made them great. I've also found myself really getting into Japanese horror movies. They really seem to know how to get the suspense going. Their movies seem to be more on building the suspense with off screen happenings and work with shadows. It's very well done most of the time. The movies are best seen with subtitles and not dubbed. That can be a pain for some, but in this case it helps more than it hurts. As far as Sci-Fi goes, the cornier the better. haha. I like a good sci-fi show as much as the next geek... erm... guy, but give me a corny movie with cheap effects and I'm a happy camper. Well, that a little more about me and my movie tastes. I'll be back again soon with a little more about myself. With any luck I won't be as lousy at it the next time. haha As always, feel free to ask me about anything I haven't covered yet or would like to see me mention in a later blog. =-) I always do better when I'm asked about myself, than when I have to write about myself on my own. =-)