Biggie Bailey's blog: "My Writings"

one of these days, happiness will find me, One of these days, my true love will walk in that door, One of these days, I wont have to argue anymore, One of these days, my life will be my own, One of these days, I wont feel loneliness anymore, One of these days, I will actually start to care, One of these days, I wont feel like a total failure, One of these days, my heart will rejoice, One of these days, heartache and pain will disappear, One of these days, I will be able to say I am the luckiest person in the world, One Of These Days, All Of My Dreams Will Come True

I once thought life was something to cherrish, something that you always wanted to spend wth that special someone, but what happens when you just dont have someone to spend it with, what happens, when you just become indifferent about life and love, what happens when you just stop caring all together, what happens when as far as you are concerned nothing else matters? Life is the one infection that gets us all sooner or later. what matters most is how you live it. for those of you who actually read this, Never give up, Never let life get you down and never let lonliness set in, if those things do eventually happen, then I feel for you. Never throw the best things in your life away and always believe in yourself.

Melting down, stiring around, harder it gets, yellow and white, setting on the table, tools of destruction, breaking down, smaller pieces, piece on the pipe, lighter flames, inhales, bells ring, vision blurs, sweat pours, heart races, cant stop at one, always needing more, that yellow lady, who's control is ultimate, who takes your life, and spirals it into oblivion, hate blossums, love and caring dissapear, picking up again and the lighter flames, inhaling that precious smoke, needing more always, life in shambles, family disappears, loneliness is overpowering, that need grows stronger with every hit, alone, the ringing grows, the thoughts overpower, sold everything of value, cant get enough, always needing more, these thought and needs overpower till there is nothing left but the undenialbe realization that you are nothing without it, your brain becomming dependant on its chemical romance, its total need of control, without it shakes and derangement over come you, give anything for just one more, always needing just one more, always searching for that first high, that first flight of extacy, never obtaining, burning out till there is nothing left, leaving the mind and body in total destruction, always having that voice whisper, you need me...

The point pricks, the skin breaks, sliding in deeper, pain flares, deeper it goes. One. A new spot, sliding in, more pain, more exscape. Two. A third spot, pushing it inside, feeling the pain as they enter. Three. More have to have more, there isnt enough pain, cant let the pain fade away. Four. Emotions over flowing, tears streaming, understanding, cant stop, Five. So many more, here and there, many spots. pullling them out, little points of blood running, the holes close. Feeling Better, Emotions stopped, distractions overcame.

sliding along the skin, tearing it open, playing that symphony of pain, feelings rushing away, washed away in the pain, the edge slowly cutting deeper, exposing more, allowing more to be washed away, can the pain be taken, can it be made real, the pain tears, the hole widens, let the pain flow away, one day it may be washed away in the blood.

Misery, what is it, where does it come from, why do we have it what is that pain inside that causes us to not want to go on? why do some of us have that pit inside of us that can never be filled why do we look at life and only see bleek, where does it come from, why cant we get rid of if? holes in the soul to were we only see pain in this world, do you see that pain, do you have that hole in your soul? I set here and think and listen I look at the faces of people the ones I care about, the ones I love, I ask questions with my eyes and recieve no answers, I wonder do we truely love, do we truely want that hole filled. following the matters of the heart make me wonder if we are actually following a path destined for us, a path of sorrow and pain that is there for eternity, yes some do find happiness but look at the world most are unhappy, most show it in their eyes, and speak about it without saying a word. some of us have burden to see that to hear that to feel that, those sounds sights and feelings drive us mad, drive us to the point of insanity or sainty for some, those who can feel and see and hear what is not being said live lonesome lives, lives of sorrow and pain, we set back and see people tell us that we need to smile and be happy, how is that possible? if they could only see the things we see, if they could hear the cryings of the hearts if they could feel the hearts dieing inside they would know, sorrow is the bird who flies to freedom in a cage, sorrow is the bird of happiness having its wings clipped and sheltered from the world, sorrow is what drives us to the point of everything we do, sorrow lonliness and pain drive some of us to travel, to travrse the world not for the happiness, joy or pride of it, we do it to find that place, that little niche in life that makes us all comfortabe, some travel for a day, others travel for a month, and others still travel for a life time, most of our travels are in our heads our wishes dreams wants and needs, then some of us travel for real, never staying long, comming sometimes leaving a mark and dissapearing, some of us never leave a mark and fade into the oblivion of non existance, the ones that dont leave a mark nobody really see's we talk and feel and hurt like everybody else but we set and watch and die inside everytime we are over looked sometimes we look like the happiest person on the outside giving a false face to the world, but people of the world only see what they want. only us priveleged few see everything, yes we miss some we are not perfect but we do catch most we are the ones that tell you to be happy no matter what, give your all in everything you do, try to heal a broken heart, mend what is broken, but we understand that we cant mend ourselves so we help others with out want from them, never asking for anything, willing to give ourselves up totally to make others happy one day they say everybody finds true happiness but what if that is a myth, what if it isnt true, what if true happiness is only make believe what if no matter what you will never be happy then what do we do, how do we find something that doesnt exist, is it the chase that we are after, is it the hope and the dreams that there is true love and love can happen, no love can happen but true love is out there, but most wont find it, most will walk through this existance looking for something they will never find for those of us who can see that it drives us away, because we want so much to help and feel helpless when we can, ask yourself do you feel true happiness, do you feel sorrow, do you feel love, what do you feel Have you ever looked at a poster not paying attention to the main part but see eyes wishing you happiness love and hope, one day I look forword to everybody having those things look for love, happiness, and no more pain and one day you will find them that is what I am told, weather or not that is the truth or just a fantasy planted in our heads and hearts, may that fantsay come true for you.

They call me a voyer. I like to watch, I like to see the things hidden underneeth I like to know the whole truth. is that so bad, is that morally wrong, why is it that we have to hide all the time from the scrutiny of others, because what we like to do makes them squirm? I like to participate, pleausres givin, touches so soft and sensual, carresses so deep and meaningfull, again hearts lost in passion, eyes locked in a loving embrace, fingers moving to the rythem of anothers beat, hearts intertwinded soft wispers carressing the ears. is this what we call passion, where fires burn deep within us, where our lives mingle and hearts burn with desire, do we act? shall we set and wonder what can be shall we wonder what was life revolves around the wants and needs of the hearts of the people that own them, life and love and happiness all blended together where life melts and hearts and minds combine

Walking for hours down the lonely streatch of beach looking and pondering the meaning of life. MY LIFE. He came to me one day, walking out of the darkness like a specter, whe he talked I didnt understand, he said many things to me that sounded like gibberish, ramblings of a man that has been out for way to long, he came, and after talking to him for hours I began to realize somethings, we all carry our burdens, some we have carried for many years, some for only a short while, we tell everybody you just dont understand, I told him that, he didnt understand what I have been through, but he didnt have to understand, he didnt even need to know the details, he told me that the burdens we all carry, are ours, and nobody else's and only we can put those demons to rest. We continued to talk for hours, me gaining more and more insight, him never really saying anything of importance, except I am here for you, I always have been, now it is your turn, to lay your burdens down or carry them, it is your decision. after I had learned the lessons the he needed to teach me, some painfully obvious, some subtle but still significant, he walked away back into the darkness from which he came from. I realized I am better off for him to come and go and leave such an impact. I have demons, I carry them daily, my burdens that nobody knows of, that nobody see's, those little holes in my life that grow together and get bigger and bigger the more I dwell on them, but I have realized that if I am to grow it is time for me to put those demons behind me. I wont say that they will be gone in the next few minutes, hours or days, but as my life progresses, they will leave me, as I strive for the better things and quit living in the past, see my demons, my burdens can only bother me if I let them, I have the choice to keep them or lay them down. Yes for today my demons still haunt me, but not as bad as they normally do, today I feel at peace and at ease for the first time in a long time, today I can carry on with my life, I can begin anew. I cant speak for tomorrow tho, because nobody knows what tomorrow holds, and I know that the past held many things, some horrifing to me, some that completed me but those days are gone and I can only seek that happiness in today. I know your demons haunt you, your fears hold you back, you hide... We all hide from one thing or another but our willingness to push forward, and our determination to suceede, keeps us going, for today this moment in time I am able to lay my burndens down, I am able to feel at ease and at peace. Can You?

I set here and wonder about the meanins of life and love, realizing that pain comes and goes and leaves an impact in your life. when ppl come into your life and you give them everything and you show them everything and they leave you for someone else how much more pain could that be... to have someone rip your heart out from your chest and stomp in into the dirt can that be considered ultimate pain... no I dont think so because ultimate pain is never ending love cycles and the heart can mend itself in many ways... I vowed to myself that I wont give up on love, but why can it be so diffucult why does it hurt. they say that love causes you pain I believe that. Now it is time to move on.. slowly back into the life we once had pushing our way through becomming stronger.. pain is bearable pain is life pain is what shows us that we are alive.. pain shows us that we are still breathing and we can go on and live another day... yes bring on the pain I relish it... because with pain I know I am still alive.

From time to time, we all wonder is there anything in life besides loneliness is there anything other then our basic desire and will to live that keeps us going? why is it that a lot of people in this world are doing nothing but continually looking for someone, that one person that makes them feel complete that makes their heart over flow. My question is: if it is true that there is someone out there for every one of us. is it possible to find them... I think that you dont find the one your looking for I believe that you have either known them for a long time and have become really good friends but in that you dont see what is beneath it all. but is it true is there someone out there for all of us someone that gives us that drive to keep going that one person that makes our lives comeplete or is it a myth that there isnt someone out there for everyone of us just some of us get lucky. I dont know I dont have those answers. I am just a simple man looking for the simple things in life, Love, Happiness, Caring, maybe one day that will come I cant tell you if that is what is going to happen all I know is that we have to continue on in this life never giving up and being there for one another. Maybe we all will find that one but for now all we can do is cherrish the ones we have, friends and family they are there for you no matter what.. Even tho that dosent contain the lonliness it helps. Yes lonliness is something we have to deal with everyday but one day we all can have the hopes of it getting better. For today I will love with everything I have, because the ones I have make my life better. Thank You to all my friends that have been there and will be there for me tomorrow.