Athena's blog: "My wondering mind"

Its been a while since a man has hurt me, and the one that hurt me last night I never thought would. But then again I guess that's always how I feel. I tend to trust everyone, even when I know I shouldn't. I've always felt that everyone is good deep down, and that you should look to the future and not the past, but is there a point when you should take into consideration how they were in the past? I guess I did see him slipping back into his old ways slowly, I just hope that his being drunk and treating me the way he did last night isn't going to be how he's going to be from now on. I do care for him and have been proud of all that he's accomplished while he's been here, but if he's going to continue to drink I don't think I can be his friend anymore. I don't drop friends, I've never just stopped being friends with someone. So when do you say that something that happened was bad enough to end a friendship you've always held close to you? Right now I'm hurt and mad, and can't believe what happened. I'm not going to go into the details on here, I'm simply going to write down my thoughts, because I think it will help me deal with my situation.

Ok so I've always wanted to get a tattoo and a I've always thought that I would never be able to decide on what I wanted. But I've been thinking about it and I think that a native sun on my upper back, right below my neck would be really cool. Although after thinking about it I'm still not sure, because when I get married you would be able to see it, well that's if I wear my hair up, and I'm not sure what kind of dress I'll want when that happens anyway, but then I dunno. I don't think it would look very professional to have a tattoo, in the business world. So I pretty much decided against it on those terms. But then I talked to my sister about it, and she suggested having one of my cousins design it, and that would make it so much cooler! So I'm still not sure. I did talk to my cousin about it, and he said he was going to start on the design, but this was a while ago and I was debating it so I haven't checked on his progress. I dunno I probably won't get one, but its a great idea, and at the moment I like it.

Lately I've been finding myself judging other people more then I should. I won't lie, I do judge people its part of human nature. But just last week I made a big deal about yelling at one of my friends. I think I made her feel bad, but the worst part was that I didn't care, because I felt that she had acted bad enough that she needed to feel that way. I now believe that this was wrong. I shouldn't make people feel bad just because I don't approve of what they do. It's their life, and what I think or what I would do shouldn't have anything to do with how they lead it. Just tonight I went to this event that my college was having about strengthening the spirit. I found it very up-lifting, and it made me think. You never know when the people that you surround yourself with won't be there. So I left this speaker thinking to myself that I need to clear things up with this one friend, but not only that I also think I need to strive to be a better person. He was one of the most entertaining speakers I've gone and seen in a while. I was really glad that I went. He had the entire audience laughing, and I'll have to admit I was laughing pretty hard myself. I think the most entertaining part was that he poked fun at natural human habits, and shared a bunch of family stories. Lately I haven't been myself, and I've noticed changes in the way I treat people. Sometimes it's almost as if I just don't care at all anymore. So I'm going to try and be nice to everyone, but not all the time. I mean I like teasing people, but I will try not to put people down, and I will try not to think of myself as better then others.

Other things that have been on my mind are not nearly as important as school, but might be part of the reason that I'm just not being myself. I've been feeling sort of lonely lately, and it's really bugging me. I don't know why either, because I seem to always be surrounded by friends. Sure it's not all the time, but the majority of it. I'm not sure but it's just annoying to feel lonely when at the same time I'm thinking that there's no reason that I should be feeling this way. It might just be me getting homesick again. I did last year, and this is only my second year away form home. Lately I've really been missing my nieces so that could be a big part of it. I think that putting my feelings into words like this sort of helps me work my problems out, because I get to see them in black and white. The songs that I listen to probably don't help either. I'm always listening to country and sappy love songs. Usually these are some depressing tunes, or just make you want what you don't have. So maybe I should just listen to Christmas music, because that seems to cheer me up.

Lately my mind has been wonder, and this isn't always a good thing, because my mind can be quite a distraction. I don't know why but lately I just haven't been myself. There's something bugging me that I just can't lay my finger on. I'm in college, and don't exactly know what I'm going to major in. So my mind has been caught up in that lately. I've been considering possibly majoring in Biology, or Hospitality and Restaurant Management. With Biology I could go into many different professions. Also I could go into several different graduate programs. So this seems like a good option for me, but I'm not sure if I want to further my education after a four year degree. But I could also take that degree, and apply it to secondary education, and become a high school teacher. Which wouldn't be a bad thing for me, but I'm not sure that if I became a teacher if Biology would be the subject for me. With the Hospitality and Restaurant Management, it's just something that I've always had in the back of my mind as a possible profession. So this is why I'm considering it now. I know that I have the the ability to comprehend all the courses that I would need for the Biology degree, and I'd have to get pretty high in the maths, which would be the easiest part for me. Also when I look at the course material and all the Biology classes that I'd be taking, I get excited. So I'm thinking that this might be the right answer for me. But I'm starting to believe that the reason that I'm having such a hard time deciding on a major is because its a lot of time and money to put into something, and have it not turn out to be what you wanted in the first place. So I think I really need to put more thought into it to make sure that I'm making the right decision.