Over 16,536,776 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
I sometimes wonder, who else just feels lost?
I'm not really looking for pitty. So if this sounds like a "oh woe is me" post, forgive me.
2021 was such a catastrophic year for me, that I don't know if I really recoverd. I was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2021. What I thought was a cracked rip or something, turned out to be a tumor attached to my chest wall and it was eating away at one or two of my rib bones. After a series of scans that found 4 more tumors thoughout my body, I didn't even know were there. I was told I has something called Myxoid Liposarcoma, a form a cancer that attaches itself to soft tissue.
Right about the same time this happened, a really good friend of mine was going through a rough time in her life and needed a place to crash. I had an extra room and was already affording my rent, so I figured, why not. I was lonely, I knew I was going to want company when treatment started so I offered her the spare bedroom in my home. She accepted and our friendship blossomed into something I really can describe.
Up until I had to check info intensive chemotherapy, we had amazing fun and she knew all about my fetish and fantasies. She even helped me indulge a few. We went to baseball games, camping, dinner, watched movies and looked out for each other. Little did I know, she also had a problem, acute liver disease.
Just about the time I was finishing a long 6 months of chemo, my friend dies on Nov 28. I was alone, recovering from chemo, couldn't go to work, could barely get around, picked up a severe blood infection and almost died myself.
The loss of my friend really hit me hard because I never got to tell her how much she really meant to me. I never had the chance or was too frightened to tell her that I was in love with her and that she was a very big part of my world. And I regret that so much.
I now live in a better place, have good health, living tumor free for the time being, enjoying what I can with the time I have been granted but still feel like I'm just living without purpose. I feel lost. It's hard to make friends because of my shyness and I never really learned how to talk to women unless they initiated the conversation. I sit, I smile, but I stay quiet and I know they see me as someone wierd or scary because I'm so quiet.
When did making a friend become so difficult? What was the point of surviving cancer, if life is so empty and lonely?
