BlueAngel's blog: "My Thoughts"

I know some of my Family and Friends have noticed a change in me on here so i have finally decided to tell my story from over the past year. Some people seem to think by putting things on here that happen in your life as lookin for pity well let me say i want NO PITY from anyone i just want people to understand why i am not the person i use to be. 

First off last year i lost my step-dad from liver disease and then in March i lost my Mom and i was devastated and through all this i really never let myself mourn over the loses. So with that being said it caused me health issuses crazy how losing the people you love can affect your body and health as much as it did mine. Just over the past few monthes have i finally started feeling better just trying my best to get back to me again. Alot harder than you think to do but i am truly Thankful-Bleesed and Grateful for where i am in my life right now. And i want to Thank all my Family and Friends who never gave up on me and have been there for me U R very appreciated by me. 

Much Peace,Love and Happiness to you all and thank you for reading....Angela

MARRIED OR NOT, YOU SHOULD READ THIS ...
“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ♥

Woke up this morning and turned on the radio which music is a great part of my life always there for me when nothing or no one else is there. And the great Hot 98.1 has been doing Tributes all day and has made me cry all day. Actually crying writing this but just need to vent somehow. Find myself thinking about where i was and what i was doing on that very tragic day which changed my life forever and i remember not being up long sitting drinking coffee and watching a local show and i will never forget the anger and pain and sorrow i felt on that day. And i find that i still feel the same way today feelings havent changed and heart still aches for everyone lost on that day they will forever be remembered. Thanks for reading and letting me tell my feelings. And Thanks to all our Military for your service!!!

Hello everyone i hope all my friends had a Great Day!! Just would like for everyone to know i am on here lookin for friends. If I find something better than friendship that would be Awesome!! Just want people to know i am a kind and loving person and just because i add you to my page that doesnt mean i want to F@@k you!! I know i have NSFW photos that may make people think i am on here to find sex which dont get me wrong it has been a long time for me but not desperate enough just to sleep with anyone that is not who i am. I have some great friends on here and really appreciate the ones who accept me for who i am!! For all the others just get to know someone before you talk about wanting to get in the sack with them try being someones friend and enjoy getting to know them before you start asking crazy azz quetions!! Thanks to all who have read this not much on telling my feelings to the world but something had to be said to some of these men on here i am sure you know who you are if you are sittimg there reading this and saying to yourself did i do that? LOL!! And to all my Sweet and Wonderful Friends Thank You for all the love and respect you show me everyday!!

Just wanted everyone to know what Fubar did for me and actually changed my life. When i was first invited here i hesitated not really knowing if i wanted to fool with another crazy website. But as you can see i am here and i have met some amazing people and made some amazing friends, and for that i am truely grateful. Let me tell you just a few things about me.................. I am 41 yrs old and a single parent, struggling and fighting every day to provide for my family, my kids are my life. I have been seperated for almost 3 yrs been through 2 marriages actually just to have both go down the toilet because of drugs. For along time in both marriages i felt like it was me thought maybe i was the cause of the way things turned out, but then i woke up and realized i didnt deserve the abuse and mental torture they put me through and they were the one with the problem. Excuse my language but hell i wonder everyday if i will find someone to love me and i think personally that I am a very nice and kind hearted and loving person just waiting to give my all to someone. I am not a bar hopper and i havent been on a date in 2yrs dont just want a one night stand. Just wanted to get out a few things on my mind thanks if you have read this. I want to thank my friend that invited me here and i want to Thank all the friends i have made on here and that all of you are amazing!! On days i have been down you have been here for me and for that i appreciate it more than you know. I am going to try and be more positive and not be so negative as a friend said LOL!! Hope i can continue the friendships i have built here and i wish the best for all of my great friends. Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers that i can find that one special man that will get all the love that i have been so much wanting to give, tired of being alone and feeling lonely 24/7. Thanks for reading more later................