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Life is good

So this evening myself and curt will be going to retreive the rest of my furniture and such at my old place. Its gonna be a long nite, but good. Closing a chapter on my life while beginning a New and better life with him. He is my world as i his, He is one of the kindest, yet sometimes quite mean men i have ever known :p ( mean in a good way :p) Still a little sketchy with the health issues , but the meds they have me on are helping a bit, im not as severe and not having as many episodes. I go for a 4 hour epilepsy test on the 18th to rule out seizures, though if they arent seizures, they are doing quite well in portraying them. Im looking around this house , 4 bedrooms and all...large florida room and large two story shed out back ( kinda looks like yours tracy ) and wondering where my furniture is going to fit. It is already quite full here. Poor curt has had to put up with my whining ass for the past week while ive been pulled out of work on temp disability because the episodes were so bad at work i couldnt use my hands for about five minutes...it was kind of scary, doc pulled me out...im gonna try again next week and see if i can work...if not...i dont know what...i thank god i have insurance and this disability insurance...if not i would be fucked. Looking forward to my birthday next month... Gonna try and have tracy come down and spend it here with me...HINT HINT HINT!!!...if she can.

Importance?

"Too often we excuse those who are willing to build their own lives on the shattered dreams of other human beings" Robert F Kennedy The importance of that one statement IS HUGE. And very true and still true today, if not more so...Robert Kennedy Was a great man, taken from us too soon. It seems the "Great ones" are always taken. I think if he had not been assassinated when he was, we would be living in a very different society, country and living as a people a very different life. I believe he had vision beyond the age he lived in, I think he saw the road and path we were on as a country and as a people. His speech that i will post at the bottom, i think was well spoken and such an important statement, not only in the way of physical violence, but even in the violence we commit amongst ourselves as people, sometimes it doesnt take any physical to be violent, or to shatter someone so completely that it destroys them to the point of no return. So many today thrive on the "Drama" and Love of committing false accusations and statements against others. Not realizing the impact, or state this may put the other in, nor even considering the surrounding life of the other and how it may just be what breaks that person, shattering them, and their dreams as you build your life on that proudly. I believe he saw the "Events" Of what was to be in our society, and how it was transpiring, i believe he was intelligent beyond our comprehension. So much so This speech itself can easily be used, for Today. I can reflect on this and know very well and understand exactely what that statement at the beginning means, I recently had gone through a very hostile situation with several people which is not even worth getting into. All i know now is that During that very hard time, there was one man that helped pick me up and remind me that I was more than their words, and they were nothing but words. He helped me remember that no matter what another thinks of me, What i think of myself is most important. Every day he amazes me more and more, he is not perfect, but that is what is so great about him. I recently had a conversation with him about when i was in the hospital, at first i didnt realize what he was getting at as he was telling me of his friend and her mom who had cancer, and he told me of how his friends step dad left her mom because he didnt want to be there when she died. Well i thought that was just horrible! He agreed and proceeded to tell me of his momentary brief thought of whether to proceed with me, when he found out about the hospital stay and what was going on. His thoughts were ...SHE COULD VERY WELL DIE!...Do i want to go through this? do i want to proceed with someone who is going through this, what if she does die? do i want to go through the hurt of this. At that point he told me, that thought lasted for about thirty seconds, and then he realized at how he couldnt live with himself if he walked away to leave me alone and die alone possibly, he would rather have me and make my last days happy and know i was happy during that time.........shhhh dont tell him..but he made me cry on that one...i dont think he could tell , we were on the phone...i dont know , maybe he could. Now not to stray, the reason i used this scenario in this blog is because just that moment in my life made me realize that he was someone who would never shatter my dreams just to build his life on them. Belive me, there is more to tell and such great things that i discover about him daily. My point is this, If only we as people could stop and realize that maybe that person you dont like has just the same amount of emotions as you, and that maybe just maybe you could be the one person to break them and build your dreams on their shattered dreams, and when you realize this...stop and think if it would be ok if someone did this to you? For once i met someone who thought about my feelings and just what consequence their actions may have on me as a person in the long run......This is pretty awsome. This speech was actually written in mind of war and the violence within our own borders, but i think its farther reaching, because as i stated before actions of another against an unwilling and unsuspecting person sometimes can be more damaging than a single handed slap to the face. It can leave lasting affects, and wounds that makes someone never trust another. This all becomes a vicious circle and we sit there and shake our heads and wonder why. We As people are too easy to accept the easy answer, hence why its so easy to lead us to the water of our governments choice for our drinking. We never question or try and look in another light at something we ordinarily would not accept. We allow others to decide what is right for us, we allow our friends to decide our fate in love, and who we choose for love, instead of making our own mind up. We place too much bearing on others for our decisions, when we need to stop and place our own views on ourselves, and swallow them and let them be who we are, we need to stop letting others tell us that the deaths of hundreds of thousands is ok because its protecting us in the end. Is it really?...ask yourself this question, more than once. Ask if its ok to look at me and make a judgment about me, without ever speaking to me. Ask yourself if its ok that i do the same to you. Diversity makes this country what it is and what it was. Unfortunately we make it hard to be diverse and different from another without having to protect ourselves because those different will always become hateful of what they do not understand. My friends love me for who i am, every last part of me. My Man Loves me for everything i am and everything im not, he loves my eyes, and my ass even though i dont have one! LOL He thinks im Beautiful and tells me i am, And that is all that matters, i may not be beautiful to another man , but to him i am and that alone is all that matters, because im not on this earth to be beautiful to everyone. Im only meant to be beautiful to the right one. He has the right to this happiness, as do i. Just like every person out there has the right to their own happiness with whoever they choose. below is the whole speech , it is quite wonderful and well worth the watch

I never thought.......

I would ever meet someone that opitimized every good and bad part of everything that completely distracts, mesmerizes, confuses, frustrates , and makes me happy all in one. I have now known curt for i believe five months, At first just friends, someone to talk to about alot of BS that i had gone through, then a good friend...and now so much more...more than i EVER thought it would be! He means the world to me, He has touched a part of me that for so long has been very hidden. He is completely someone i would of NEVER thought i would be with...and all in the same breath everything i have ever wanted. What is the most wonderful thing?...he doesnt associate with fubar or any fubarians...no offense fubar...but your drama is too much for my real life. Its so funny im such a pain in the ass, and a typical New Yorker...and he is your typical southern man...we butt heads well and often...but some how...we still love each other...even when we cant find the common ground. He is the first Man EVER to stand there and refuse to allow me to walk away, or push till there is no other choice but to call it quits...He wont allow it. I think i found the one that is going to break the walls down. The one that cares enough to find the real me behind them. whats funny is i was listening to this song today, collide by howie day...and it fits perfectly for him and i. I love waking up next to him, and the way we just...collide...its something ive never experienced before...everytime i have to go home so i can go to work i miss him terribly and cant wait till i see him again...we dont live far..but far enough to make it a little hard...45 minute drive can be rough when both work opposite schedules...Its ok...we will be fine...Whats funny...Is i somehow know this to be true.

eh...

Well I do have to say its been an interesting week....hospital stays, bad news, then broken bones...all of that with a five day stay with someone i have come to adore. If it wasnt for him i dont think i would of held up very well through all of this...Im hoping to be back at work by the beginning of this week.

something

This is a clip from the movie the holiday...Kate winslet has a part in this clip that speaks volumes...as she speaks of how people can make someone feel so insignificant at times...I think its the first time a movie has ever captured the true identity of a womans broken heart. Its funny How we as women allow men to do the things they do to us because of the insignifant value they place on use early on. I stopped allowing a man to make me insignificant years ago...so far I have walked away from every man i have had a relationship with because of this. This may sound a little fucked up....But what the truth of the matter is ...is the fucked up part is having to be put in that situation...made to decide between yourself, your dignity and your self respect....Or them...Well....I will always choose me. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than deal with or put up with the lack of respect from an ordinary man that in no way shows any extraordinary value. I sit here and watch people i know, friends , aquaintances , and just people in general putting up with such things that are far beyond my capabilities of understanding. Cheating, emotional abuse, using....they sit there and make all this ok ...with one word...Love..."but i love them" to them this makes this all ok and tolerable. The word love has become a word that is used to make Ur unhappiness worth while. Since when is that love? I understand one sided love and loving someone that doesnt love you back but wants you in their life...ive done it...and guess what...its not worth the price of admission...I lost three years of my life over that one. Its so not worth it. I sit here and watch people struggle over this kind of shit....and i get so flippen angry because they dont realize the kind of person it turns them into...I dont know....just sometimes i wish people would wake up, look around them and realize they are worth more than what a man makes them worth...
So here i sit one hour away from my scan...the one that is going to scan my aorta and all my arteries...with the help of some...ummm DYE...(that word scares me...just change one letter...) oh well ...im a little anxious...two reasons...anxious about the actual scan and anxious about the results...i spoke to the vascular surgeon..and from what he can tell so far i may not need surgery...but this scan will be the tell all of that. If i dont need surgery that is great...but from what he says i will need medication...for the rest of my life. So in other words...i have the rest of my life to look forward to arterial issues...*sigh*...Next?...did i say Next?...No i believe i didnt...but the shit just keeps coming like a fuckin snowball down hill....rolling into a huge fuckin mammoth snow ball aiming right for me...and no matter how much i run and duck for cover...it seems to be catching up to me and ultimately smashing me into the shit. Im tellin ya...there is only so much a person can take personally and on the issue of their health before they give up...completely.

.....................

Such a great video ...Great words...Meaningful ...

Life is so odd ...

Im sitting here in my new place...its finally feeling like home...got alot more work to do...got my new bed...its fuckin awsome!!!! Black/Brown Leather sleigh bed...even splurged and got a new mattress and box spring...thick pillow top...comfy as hell...sleeping really well....now just have to get the room painted and the pictures and such on the walls..I finally feel free again, without the restraints of so called friends who want to drain me dry of my funds and life force...so much so i was off today and said fuck it and went to orlando with my roomate for dinner at Emerils...dropped 150 bucks on dinner...it was well worth it...great food and conversation. The weather has been good till today...even got some sun last week...laying by my new pool!!! but today is cold as shit...even had to put the heat on. My next move is to the keys...i am not doing this cold shit anymore LOL! Last doc visit went half well...oh well...im just gonna keep moving along...im not letting anything or anyone interfere with my forward momentum . I have goals, plans and a life to strive for , and i plan on accomplishing it all ...and doing it all on my own. I cannot see myself in any type of relation with anyone untill i have become the person i want to be, financially, emotionally and career wise. This may seem a bit selfish and cold, but distraction is not an option anymore..and all relationships do is distract one from their goals and life plan. The only way i would allow it is if i ever met someone who would walk with me on the path, not against me. And I have found that the majority dictates that most relationships are a force of two working against each other trying to conform the other to their needs and likings, instead of a process of working together to build something that suits both as a unit. Ahhh welcome to the me generation. Sorry but if im gonna be about me...then damn it...im gonna be ALL about me...and no one else LMAO I have more to offer than the ability to be a wife, and child bearer...the complexities inside are varied and have no ability to mesh with one looking for that. Eh..enough of that...truth of the matter is i have a heart and its been , bruised, battered and torn apart. So i no longer easily look for anything that involves my heart.
After a night of excess of many "things"...i sit here and realize that no matter how hard i try, im going to bury myself one way or another..As i put it to my mother the other nite on the phone , with everything going on with my health...i might as well go out balls to the wall!...as they say ..last born first dead!...or maybe thats just what i say. Hey at least i had fun, The way i see it now is this...im gonna enjoy every flippen moment i have left..if its for another 20 years or 1 year...fuck it...

People.....

It is a real shame in this day and age that i should have to lock down a public profile because of certain individuals so interested in my life, and for reasons i cannot even fathom. As some may state it is what you have to deal with on sites like these...well yes i agree...But the individuals who are doing this arent doing this out of just basic curiosity...this is done out of down right drama seeking bullshit. So what i am thinking at this point is this...You want to know what is going on in my life so bad?...let me go ahead and tell you every last intimate detail of what has happened in the past month...and it is ugly...and when you are done reading this...i hope you feel good about yourself. In the past month...I have been diagnosed with "early cancer"....and have gone through my first treatment of it... And now will have to deal with this for the rest of my life ....The icing on the cake happened last week...i was diagnosed with diabetes, turns out i have been living with it undiagnosed for years...and have irreversible damage because of this. Had to be taken from work last week to the hospital because i crashed , to the point of going into diabetic shock...next step was diabetic coma...which we know are pretty much irreversible. my blood sugar when i reached the hospital was 32...my target is 115...needless to say i was incoherent and on my way to coma. because of this my muscles started seizing , hands closed and i was unable to move them, my legs and ankles were so distorted from the muscles spasms i could not walk. The worse of all of this is i have diabetic neuropathy , for those who do not know it is nerve damage caused by many things , including high levels of blood sugar , blood fat, low levels of insulin...and so on...since my crash last week i have lost some feeling in my fingers...mainly in my fingertips...i feel pressure but not much else..some pain if intense..i also have this in my feet..to the point of my feet becoming completely numb. The other end of this is the pain...out of know where i get intense pain...throughout my feet that stops me in my tracks. And with what i do for a living this is something that is causing a serious issue...i have had to drop my schedule down to half of what i used to work. I am facing the possibility of losing everything i have worked hard for. While in the hospital my muscle spasms and cramps were so intense they started effecting my heart...as we all know the heart is a muscle...the pain was so intense that i had to be medicated and sedated. I thought i was having a heart attack. Heart attack is a common issue with diabetes along with stroke. I am daily trying to live my life as full as i can...i face anxiety so severe since all of this happened, that at times i cannot drive down the road out of fear i may have another episode while driving...Does this life sound fun to you? My circulation is so poor at this point that my hands and feet stay cold at all times. its rare if they warm up at all . Even when its warm i feel cold. Before i was diagnosed i had an inkling..due to diabetes running in my family , so i took it upon myself to take myself off of all sugar and eat properly...looks like i was too late...but because of me changing my diet so dramatically i am now dealing with such severe weight loss that i may be facing other issues that may lead to more complications. In two months i have dropped 4 sizes and 35 pounds...most of that drop happened in one month...i leveled for a brief moment...now im dropping again...and it is scaring the shit out of me...im not just losing fat, im losing muscle mass...im getting weaker by the day, i can no longer lift the things i lifted daily at work....Still with me?...still curious about me? The way i see it is this...YOU made a judgment call on me due to another's ramblings about me during a time period in which i was facing some serious shit in my life and was not acting myself due to changes in my health. We all tend to take things out on those closest to us when things fall apart...unknown to them , they only view it as a bad part of you...and i have no one to blame but myself, and i do...but for you...or should i say the two of you...You dont know me and one of you has never spoken a word to me...Do not judge me and call me names , yes he told me, when you know nothing about me. You made a judgment call from a he said she said issue..What is funny about this whole thing...I walked away..because i knew it was damaged beyond all repair...And i have not looked back...i have more serious things on my plate, to want to deal with this kind of drama, but yet the two of you cannot let go ....My question is why? I know im no longer a threat...So what is the deal? All i know is this...I am 40 years old and have Lived a very full life, full of some real bad shit...and at times some real good things...I want to spend what life i have left living it to the fullest i am capable of, i do not want to have to worry about whether or not someone is trying to stalk me out of insecurity on their end. I am tired of blocking people and having to deal with this...please move on to greener pastures..this pasture is no longer green. There is nothing here to see or know about. Here is a song i listen to daily that is completely how i feel with all i live with daily now....ill even include the lyrics Locked Away In A Cage My Rage Has Got The Best Of Me Time Finds A Way Each Day Of Leaving Less Of Me Behind I Find This Fight Must Be Won Inside The Mind So Uptight And Confined Often Blinded By The Light Taking It's Toll On My System Like Some Played Out Existence Time Ticks Away These Last Few Moments Is There Anything We've Left Unsaid? I'm On A Quest For Atonement I've Got To Find Piece Of Mind And A Place To Rest Biding My Time Until I'm Strong Enough To Fight Back Hope, I Hope Against Hope For Some Resistance Been Taking It Out On My System Rest-There's A Calm Before The Storm And The Western Front Is Quiet I've Got Rembrandt As My Right Hand And Solo As My Pilot Condemned Man Condemned Convicted Man Convicted Could Not Save My Life Cutting Strand By Strand Passing It Off Like Some Kind Of King You Don't Know Peace 'til You've Had Suffering I've Suffered All Of Your So Called Resolve But You Haven't Tasted Pain Have You Ever Been Inside Of The New Masterpiece? Rest Have You Ever Been Inside? Rembrandt As My Right Hand And Solo As My Pilot Have You Ever Been Inside Of The New Masterpiece Condemned Man Condemned Convicted Man Convicted Could Not Save My Life Cutting Strand By Strand Strand By Strand By Strand By Strand Condemned
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