ok so i stayed up all night again and this time not bc of stress. I thought everything i have been through since the start of this year, all the good and the bad. I thought about the past and about how it had come back to haunt me. I thought about all the people i have met and why i met them. I guess this is my thoughts on it all. Please bear with me as i try to put it all into words. I guess that in a way this is my way to express my true feelings on some of the people who have touched my life so deeply and those who helped to catch my fault. I have met alot of people and had alot of experiences so im not sure if i will tell it all.
I guess i realized tonight that sometimes things happen and we dont understand them bc we arent supposed to know why they happen. Tonight there are some special people close to my heart that i miss dearly bc they have passed on. I think about micheal who was a great friend and who i miss dearly. I think about my grandma and my grandpa who i miss so much. I just keep thinking about how they knew the right thing to say no matter what was going on. They could always make me laugh and cheer me up. I guess that i miss them so much right now bc i could really use that right now.
I use to pray all the time, and it seems like lately i havent prayed at all. I guess that i gave up on it bc it seemed that it never worked. Tonight i just couldnt stop thinking that maybe unanswered prayer where a miracle in themself bc it keep me out of much worse situations. I can tell ya ive been praying alot lately and im not giving up on it. I guess God is always listening and that he does what he feels is best not what we think is best.
Sometimes its hard to admit when u have made a mistake. I made a big one with someone. I left nc and went to oklahoma and totally got screwed out of everything. Man o man was it a big mistake. I had never been done like that before and i guess it taught me a lesson. It was the start of my downfall. For the first time in my life i felt more rejection than i had ever felt before and i guess i havent totally recovered from that. But i realized tonight i have to get past it and get back up and fight another day and move on.
I guess tonight i realized that i had to let go of some people who really hurt me even though i didnt want to. I will not mention there names but i will say that i have never been hurt so bad by some people as i have been lately. I guess i cant keep holding on hoping they will make up for it bc that will never happen. I guess at some point i gotta realize that sometimes people dont ever change and i have to accept that fact.
I guess i cant help but care way to much about some people. I guess when u care way to much you set yourself up for hurt. I have realized that i have hurt some other people without realizing it for those people i say im truly sorry. I have no excuses for hurting people and i hate doing it so much. I guess that sometimes when your not paying attention that u hurt people when your not trying to.
I have realized that life isnt fair in any way. I have realized that no matter how hard u try sometimes things arent going to go as u plan them. No matter how hard u try most times things wont work out the way u thought they would. I can tell ya when i left nc i sure didnt plan all that has happened, but it still happened, its not fair, but it has made me stronger and also smarter in alot of things. I have realized that u have to learn from every situation u go through in your life, that way u dont make the same mistakes.
I have learned that there are no doubt angels watching over ME. THERE IS NO DENYING THAT THERE IS SOMEONE IS PRAYING FOR ME. Im telling ya every time everything seemed hopeless something always came along the way to fix it and to make it better. I have never felt in my life the way i have felt about someone watching over me and praying for me as i do now.
There are some people who have come into my life lately that have made such an impact it isnt even funny. I would like to say thanks to Dallas who i am staying with right now and has not ever once complained to me about anything. I really thank u for helping out bc you saved me from some things and some hurt and struggle.
Well thats all for now hope u understand more about me now...thanks for reading
john
