celestia's blog: "My thoughts and ramblings..."

Mentally, i feel like i have my head on straight and i feel like i am going where i need to be. BUT if someone has feelings for me i cant help but reciprocate. funny thing is, 6 days isnt enough time to develop feelings. i tend to leave marks and scars on people in my path of self destruction and what i call free love. im not going to apologize for what i have done. I made a choice with my head and not with my heart. It makes sense. So, please...use caution when dealing with me and for your own sake...DO NOT get your emotions involved. I'm cold. I'm a bitch. and im DEFINITELY NOT sorry for anything ive done or anyone who gets hurt along the way. the only person i can trust is me.

I like someone...but i already fucked it up in a matter of 3 days. I'm not sure if i want another relationship this soon, but i do want/need/crave attention and feeling loved. thats why im so self destructive when it comes to being committed. i think thats also why i (stupidly) called someone the other night for nothing more than attention. I dont drink...I dont smoke...only occasionally, and I'm not a bad person...except for when someone really gets in my head. my ex is threatening me with all sorts of stuff...including me losing my son...but its not like he can do anything about it because he doesnt have anything himself. no job, no car and no leg to stand on (literally kinda cuz all his limbs are fucked up) anywho i got my anger out now and im going to get ready for my job interview.

a litttle over three weeks ago my mom calls me and tells me her boyfriend left her. she has noone for the kids, etc..."Can you come and stay with me, i need you" So Immediately I acquire the resources to go to Utah and help her. BIG MISTAKE...I'm up in utah for 3 days and i realize I shouldnt be there...I had nobody to take care of my son and because of that, I couldnt get a job. I was bored. I felt like if i had stayed, my life would go nowhere. Her boyfriend came back, and hes a dick as it is, but with me being there, letting him know he didnt have the authority to tell me what to do pissed him off. I've been independent since i was 16 and the ONLY time i'll do 'what I'm told' is when I'm working. Anyways...It was a mistake to be there so Im stuck there for 3 weeks until i can come back. Did i mention, my mother has been going to college for the past 14 yrs just to be a teacher? (she'll drop a class the second her GPA goes below a 4.0) This is WHY I've done my own thing for years. So, finally, Im back home. I can have my old job back and fix everything now. I'm starting college (online) on thhe 13th of this month and I'm going to Community for my emt courses next semester. I'm fixing everything one step at a time and I feel great for what i'm doing. I'm moving on with my life and I'm not going to let anybody fuck it up. not even me.