iv took a long look at my past relationships bc i havent actually dated anyone in about a year. and i noticed that guys i like i tend to start getting close to em and i get scared to feel anymore than what i already do for them so i push them away, i guess its my defense mechanism. maybe it was the way i grew up in our house love only went so far and then hitting a fighting showed yah the rest. i hate meeting ppl friends in general yah know guy or girl, bc i feel like as soon as i start to get to know them i scare em away one way or another or they are just gonna hurt me like most everyone in the past. its just easier to avoid ppl and situations then to face the light and get burned (if that makes any sense to you). my 3 best friends and my other close friends know how i work, im a very affectionate person, but im an open book i have no reason to lie ill tell yah the truth about anything in my life present or past, but for the most part i my scheilds up and let very few into my world. whats wrong with me.....well i dont know maybe you can tell me.
anyways id really like to open up and love, real love. i hope its out there somewhere and i hope i dont scare it or push it away bc i have a track record for messing good things in my life up bc i get scared or unsure. there is one guy lately tho iv sorta started to like but im not sure hes feeling the same way, but i really like that he doesnt question me on the way i am and the lil tests that i give ppl randomly lol. whatever in the end everything pans out, maybe im just ment to spend the rest of my life trapped in this demented mind thinking too much all by myself.
