B's blog: ""

Everyone always wonders why i am the way i am. I am always joking and carefree about what i do when i am in front of people. But if you was to get to know me well enough, i have a underlying condition known as depression.  When i was a young boy at the age of 6, i lost the person that meant the world to me and being a 6 year old that was basically my life.  So on that July 17, 1991 day, i lost my mother and i haven't been able to get that closure that i needed. I never got to say goodbye to my momma and i never will and 22 years later it is still riding on my concious. i have missed her every day for the past 22 years and it has driven my depression lower and lower. People always say "it will get better with time". Me personally i call bullshit. it gets harder with time. People tend to deal with things in there own ways. Now this isn't the only thing that is driving my depression. When i was 8 or 9, one of my favorite great uncles (my momma was a only child) was shot and kill by some thugs that wanted to rob a convienience store. So again at a young age i had experienced death once more.  Now after my mother passed away i was raised by my great aunt and uncle(my grandmother on my mother's side's sister and husband). They took me in while in their late 50s early 60s and raised me till i was 18 and i went into the military.  There i met a lot of different people and this is where the whole my own little world started so i could try to forget about all the hurt in my life.  I went on through life for the next 3 years without a care in the world because i made myself do different things to keep my mind off of it.  I met my wife in 2007, when scouting for females for a party that me and a buddy were throwing. Long story short, she is my wife today, but even having her here i still have to find ways to keep the hurt off because while being with her, i finally found my daddy's side of the family(3 years too late). My dad passed away in 2005 with diabetes. This evermore sent the hurt deeper because i never got to know my father, but however i did have a sister and my grandmother and a aunt and uncle left. I talk to my grandmother as much as i possibly could and it seemed to help the pain because i had some closure on that end.  But as fate will tell, one year later, after i am all married up i lost my grandmother.  I pretty much gave her her last wish. She had always hoped that one day she would find her first grandchild and low and behold there i am. Thanks to my wife for sending the letter i wrote that i wasn't gonna send.  So there's another notch in the belt of depression. I got in a fight with my aunt about things of my momma's and i went without talk to the ones that raised me for 2 years. Then one day i finally pulled my head outta my ass and went and settled things.  I never would of thought that 2 visits after this that my uncle would pass away. That was the straw that broke the camel's back i'm afraid. I lost the one person that taught me everything that i know today and i can never get that back. I wanted more than anything for him to see me graduate college and make something of myself and see my kids. But that day will never come. I catch myself going to call him just to chit chat about the weather or other things or to ask him a question and i can't because he isn't there. I pretty much lost the best friend i have ever had and i can't get him back either.  So if everyone wonders why i am the way i am then there you are that spells out most of my life.