Jaykob's blog: "My life"

well onto another blog nobody will read..:D

As I said before, this is my stress relief.

Well yes, the 5th did suck, just like I was sure it would, 5 years of marriage down the drain, when I tried to go to sleep this morning I honestly was surprised by how badly it affected me.  I haven't cried in a long time, but I'll be honest I did today twice, when I tried to fall asleep (which didn't really work) and then talking to my parents later about everything.  Of course talking to them about my problems is never a good thing, my mom just decided to tell me how much she has always "hated the bitch" which doesn't surprise me, although some of the reasons surprised me, but then when my dad jumped in the bandwagon it really did shock me.  He had always seemed like he loved her and I had no idea that she had pissed him off beyond hurting his son, but no, he apparently saw her as hopeless and worthless as my mother did.  Now I'm not saying that I agreed with everything they said, but it did put some things in perspective for me and did help a lot, especially my father.  I wont bore you with the details but the best way to say it was that my wife and I are toxic together, she brings me down and she doesn't help out a lot with that.  Maybe I am better off without her, I just hate this lonely feeling, like I'm going to be stuck this way for a long time, but I'm paranoid and I know this.  Oh well, I talked to my best friend Nikki and she cheered me up and I'm doing a bit better now, I think I'll be fine soon, I just can't wait for this divorce to be final so I can see how I feel then.  Oh well, off to try to add a few pics in my folders since nobody reads profiles or blogs on here it's the only way you'll ever learn anything about me.

Well, time for another blog that nobody will read, but it helps me to write them, so if you are that one person wh will read it, thank you..:D

Now, onto why today will suck.  5 years ago to the day I was walked my soon to be ex-wife up to a priest, on top of a little bridge and swore to spend the rest of my life with her.  A promise I was wanting to keep, but now that she decided to "not be happy with me", I'm spending it getting divorce paperwork filled out right and going on an emotional ride that I wish I was too short to ride.  Sometimes I wish I could just shut down and not feel like I used to do, it made situations like this so much easier, but instead I have to get all shitty on myself.  All I know is that even though I wanted to stay with her and work on our problems, in all honesty it probably would have ended anyways later on, so I guess I should thank her, but it's just hard to do today when I took time off work that I'm probably stuck taking, like I need to stay at home and think about this right now, all in plans of taking her somewhere nice and original.  Oh well, if you read this thanks for listening, I'll try to make more sense soon and stop whining about this, it just hurts and is a major part of my life right now.

All I can say is, I'm better off alone and lonely then with someone and miserable.  This is my comfort thought. It does work sometimes

Well I'm guessing nobody will read this, so I'm not going to bother putting a whole lot of backstory in this and if you do read and care, then just ask away, I have nothing to hide, and if not, thanks for the rate if you did and have a good day.

The backstory I will give, I am currently going through a divorce because my soon to be ex woke up after 8 years and instead of ever telling me what her issues were with the relationship were she just said she couldn't be happy with me.  It sucks, but I try not to hold animosity, our relationship was toxic anyways and taking the forced step back makes me realize that.

Now comes what sucks though, I am damn near 30 years old and scared to death of meeting people.  I know, once I get to know someone I'm great and can talk about anything for hours, even if it's something I know nothing about, I can sit there and absorb like a sponge, but that first step terrifies the crap out of me.  I can't just walk up to someone and say hi, never have been able to.  I'm not saying that I want to go and find my next girlfriend tonight, I'm still too fucked in the head to be even a worthwhile boyfriend, but I would love an opportunity to get to know people, my circle of friends is very small and all very busy people which just leaves me with work and masturbation, and well, internet porn gets old after a while..:D  Oh yeah, for those of you who don't know me, which currently is everyone, I have a habiof diffusing situations or cheering myself up with sexual jokes and comments, this is your only warning.  The idea of restarting my life though really does just freak me out and is causing me all kinds of fuckery in my head (and yes, fuckery is a word, google that shit).

Other than that though, I had a great day today, picked up my best friend Nikki and went to the piercing shop, now I've had over a hundred piercings in my life, so for a piercer to impress me takes a lot, but this chick was bad ass, made me feel comfortable, and had the perfect mix of professionalism and friendliness, she has made a repeat customer.  Plus the new eyebrow ring is lined up so perfectly with the old one that I'm amazed and the new lip ring is perfect which is difficult for some of the piercers I've seen in my life due too the massive amounts of scar tissue I have since this makes the 9th time I've had a lip ring in that spot.  Hopefully I'll have some new pics up soon to show them off.

Well, I'm going to finish out my pic rates now and head to bed, I can't believe I can run out of them so quick, I remember my old profile where I was about a half step from level 20 and vip, I never ran out of rates, every now and then I ran out of pic comments when I bombed, but never rates, and now I can do it in like 25 minutes.

Blah

I like cookies and penguins