Lil Joey's blog: "My Life"

I will begin by quoting the main source of my newly posted piece of art, "What's up? Too busy hanging drapes and shopping at B,B,and B to write it out? I know your life isn't boring so don't play the nothings going on card. I was thinking how interesting it is to have a friend that spends his time partying in limos, chilling in VIP and luxuriating in his bachelor pad. Just hope the high life doesn't change you." And now I will address the previous statement... Okay, I surely don't party in limos enough to really to claim it on my taxes, but there have been some moments inside a limo that I only talk about if you have a valid security clearance and the "need to know!" I have to thank Nigel for making moments such as those possible! Without him, many of my friends wouldn't have that look of disbelief when I debrief them on my weekend activities! Thanks again buddy! VIP access, also another thanks to Nigel-even if we kicked out because the girls are getting too crazy! The bachelor pad, could be dubbed as a double-edged sword. I mean, it's great to live alone in a 3 bedroom townhome. No rules to follow. I can decorate, paint, tear up, and leave every light on in the house as I please. My garage doubles as my overstock and mechanic facility. Nobody drains my liquor cabinet when I am out of town and after a hard day at work I know exactly what I am looking at drinking-never a folly there! I can fill my refrigerator up with $400 in food from Costco and not worry about my roomies eating the steak I've been marinating for the last few days or drinking my last beer. If I want to shower in one bathroom versus another, I can. Nobody ever asks me, "did so-and-so call me when I was gone?" I don't wait to throw my clothes in the washer. And if I want to plug in my Xbox to the Plasma, crack open a Charlie Lima (Coors Light to the uninitiated), and nerd out all night-I CAN! Best part is my friends are always welcome to come over and enjoy the same carefree living I do. And sometimes they do. I bet your thinking, "how is this a double-edged sword?" I'll tell ya. I would have to say that most of the friends I have are either married or have serious girlfriends, or they live outside of town so we won't count them. Unfortunately, some of them find themselves in a position to have to ask for permission to come over. Which is fine, I understand being in a relationship, it's like teamwork-and there is no I in teamwork. However, most of the women, if they allow their men to come over and kick it, either have a really good idea of what we will be up to or don't know and they leave it up to their imaginations. Either way, this is not a good thing, in their eyes. This leads to many of my friends backing out of enjoying the carefree lifestyle my pad offers! Don't get me wrong, my friends do come over but often inbetween refills of Charlie Lima their cell phones are beeping uncontrollably or their pocket sounds like the local pop radio station. It is sad when I recognize when someone's wife is text messaging them versus calling them. What's worse is when I pop my head around the corner to confirm their beverage request to find them out on my patio on the phone with their woman. I won't even comment on the conversations they are having, I really don't want to know. The best part about being young and living alone is I keep the hours I want. Staying up late isn't an issue other than staying within the energy tolerances my body imposes. Friday night at 11:30PM-nights just beginning but for some, "it's getting late, I should probably get going..." Disappointing nonetheless. The best is when I hear my friends on the phone talking with their significant others and I hear across the receiver, "Joe, you're hanging out with JOE?!" It appears that I have become a stumbling block for many women and their control over their men! Soon, enough I find myself telling the guys not to mention that they will be hanging out with me that night! And of course, I always remind the guys to withdraw money from a local ATM-NOT the ATM IN the strip club! And as far as being changed?! I find it hard to believe I can be changed, I'm living the dream as far as I can tell-just trying to remind those attached guys what it is like to live on the dark side! Now as far as shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond (Home Depot too, as I had the time)....well, that I guess is just a side effect of owning your home! But I do notice the looks I get when I walk up to the register with a matching set of towels, shower curtain, and a bath mat. What?! I like to match just like the next guy! I cannot tell if the, usually female, cashier is thinking I am gay or if my woman sent me out on a honey-do expedition. At least, if one of my buddies gets too wasted out on the town, he has a warm bed to sleep in and his own shower in a well put together bathroom-anything I can do to ease the pain of a hangover and the soon-to-be-delivered MAJOR BUTT-CHEWING! But usually they sleep either on the couch or the floor! Their choice! Plenty of Advil in the cupboard in the spare bathroom though. And yes, I have lately been consuming my time hanging drapes. It was pointed out by a female source that my place was looking fairly nice but the blankets tacked over my windows did nothing but scream, "BACHELOR PAD!" Well, it is a bachelor pad. But sooner than later, it began to sink and I decided to do something about it. However, I have about 12 feet of windows facing West out of my bedroom. In the summer, that side of my house just cooks, including my bedroom. In hasty judgement, I nailed up some blankets in an effort to lower the temperatures during this last summer. It worked, but the A/C unit I bought, as I was pushed by the ex-girlfriend (don't ask, I don't even wanna talk about it!), did a much better job. Since I am dragging my feet getting back to work, I figured why not do a little upgrading? I was able to find a drapery rod long enough-not an easy task let me tell you. But don't believe the packaging labels when they say the drapes are XX inches long....I picked out some drapes that would just about cover my windows with some extra length in tow. NOPE! Not long enough. And not to mention they hardly are up to the task of blocking out light. After two hours of trying to make it work, I caved into the fact that I am going to have to make custom drapes. That means sewing, which I don't know how to do....but I have access to my mother's sewing maching. Time to learn. Just like I learned how to paint Denim by Ralph Lauren in my bedroom. I guess ripping up the carpet and installing laminate flooring will have to wait a few more months! Maybe this week I will finally rig the rest of my rooms with remote lighting and fans. Just been lazy I guess, I mean after employing the God Remote in my living room-all else faded away. Who doesn't like being able to operate the TV, Tivo Box, Receiver, DVD player, iPod, and lights all in one remote?! A guys dream! My night life has been hit and miss. Transportation issues have arose and are now driving me to finish putting my Cobra Mustang back together-just in time for the crumby NW winter weather! Traded phone numbers on a few occassions but nothing substantial to say the least...oh well, I'm picky what can I say?! To those that actually do read this and don't know me-I have no clue what you will think of this blog. But hey, to those that do-you get me! And I appreciate you all! And yes, I am still that," ...enjoys the cheap hotel room, fly by the seat of your pants, always down for lunch Joe." I mean c'mon, the best part about being me is that the only one pushing me to be somebody different is ME! So, I guess I am okay with it!

Finally, someone put it writing!!! (Try to read this when your sober, then come back to it when your drunk so you remember what you read!) 1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement. 2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you dont remember it, it didnt happen. 3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. “Mom Im in McDonalds & theyre playing our song. I love you” 4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesnt want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something. 5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. 6. Drunk texting is alright… if you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober. 7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exs & remind them that you were the best lover theyve ever had & everything they know, they learned from u. This way you can sleep well at night. 8. you can also call this same ex & let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain to that you understand because you would still love you too! 9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials u. Be happy they thought of you in this special time. 10. It is always a good idea to sing on someones answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune. 11. Drunk dialing should be fun & light hearted or dirty and sex crazed… Never angry. 12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away & reminding you that “u have a problem”. 13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it. 14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad & usually leads to angry dialing. 15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friends phone to do your dialing. 16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you dont call this person ull just die, break rule 15 & use a friends phone. 17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing… be prepared. 18. When drunk dialing remember that “hanging out” at 3 in the A.M. usually doesnt involve cards its probably going to be more like cheap lube & handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk….. “u want me to do what with your box? Play with it?” 19. Dont drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics & you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night. 20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friends parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers And those are the rules of drunk dialing! Enjoy!!!! I need to study these, just ask my friends at 4:00AM!!!!

It has been brought to my attention that I have not put up a blog in some time now. Suggestions have indicated that I should pick up the pace on my story telling! Now, if you're new to the game, don't worry most of my blogs are true and spot on....:) I will begin by quoting the main source of my newly posted piece of art, "What's up? Too busy hanging drapes and shopping at B,B,and B to write it out? I know your life isn't boring so don't play the nothings going on card. I was thinking how interesting it is to have a friend that spends his time partying in limos, chilling in VIP and luxuriating in his bachelor pad. Just hope the high life doesn't change you." And now I will address the previous statement... Okay, I surely don't party in limos enough to really to claim it on my taxes, but there have been some moments inside a limo that I only talk about if you have a valid security clearance and the "need to know!" I have to thank Nigel for making moments such as those possible! Without him, many of my friends wouldn't have that look of disbelief when I debrief them on my weekend activities! Thanks again buddy! VIP access, also another thanks to Nigel-even if we kicked out because the girls are getting too crazy! The bachelor pad, could be dubbed as a double-edged sword. I mean, it's great to live alone in a 3 bedroom townhome. No rules to follow. I can decorate, paint, tear up, and leave every light on in the house as I please. My garage doubles as my overstock and mechanic facility. Nobody drains my liquor cabinet when I am out of town and after a hard day at work I know exactly what I am looking at drinking-never a folly there! I can fill my refrigerator up with $400 in food from Costco and not worry about my roomies eating the steak I've been marinating for the last few days or drinking my last beer. If I want to shower in one bathroom versus another, I can. Nobody ever asks me, "did so-and-so call me when I was gone?" I don't wait to throw my clothes in the washer. And if I want to plug in my Xbox to the Plasma, crack open a Charlie Lima (Coors Light to the uninitiated), and nerd out all night-I CAN! Best part is my friends are always welcome to come over and enjoy the same carefree living I do. And sometimes they do. I bet your thinking, "how is this a double-edged sword?" I'll tell ya. I would have to say that most of the friends I have are either married or have serious girlfriends, or they live outside of town so we won't count them. Unfortunately, some of them find themselves in a position to have to ask for permission to come over. Which is fine, I understand being in a relationship, it's like teamwork-and there is no I in teamwork. However, most of the women, if they allow their men to come over and kick it, either have a really good idea of what we will be up to or don't know and they leave it up to their imaginations. Either way, this is not a good thing, in their eyes. This leads to many of my friends backing out of enjoying the carefree lifestyle my pad offers! Don't get me wrong, my friends do come over but often inbetween refills of Charlie Lima their cell phones are beeping uncontrollably or their pocket sounds like the local pop radio station. It is sad when I recognize when someone's wife is text messaging them versus calling them. What's worse is when I pop my head around the corner to confirm their beverage request to find them out on my patio on the phone with their woman. I won't even comment on the conversations they are having, I really don't want to know. The best part about being young and living alone is I keep the hours I want. Staying up late isn't an issue other than staying within the energy tolerances my body imposes. Friday night at 11:30PM-nights just beginning but for some, "it's getting late, I should probably get going..." Disappointing nonetheless. The best is when I hear my friends on the phone talking with their significant others and I hear across the receiver, "Joe, you're hanging out with JOE?!" It appears that I have become a stumbling block for many women and their control over their men! Soon, enough I find myself telling the guys not to mention that they will be hanging out with me that night! And of course, I always remind the guys to withdraw money from a local ATM-NOT the ATM IN the strip club! And as far as being changed?! I find it hard to believe I can be changed, I'm living the dream as far as I can tell-just trying to remind those attached guys what it is like to live on the dark side! Now as far as shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond (Home Depot too, as I had the time)....well, that I guess is just a side effect of owning your home! But I do notice the looks I get when I walk up to the register with a matching set of towels, shower curtain, and a bath mat. What?! I like to match just like the next guy! I cannot tell if the, usually female, cashier is thinking I am gay or if my woman sent me out on a honey-do expedition. At least, if one of my buddies gets too wasted out on the town, he has a warm bed to sleep in and his own shower in a well put together bathroom-anything I can do to ease the pain of a hangover and the soon-to-be-delivered MAJOR BUTT-CHEWING! But usually they sleep either on the couch or the floor! Their choice! Plenty of Advil in the cupboard in the spare bathroom though. And yes, I have lately been consuming my time hanging drapes. It was pointed out by a female source that my place was looking fairly nice but the blankets tacked over my windows did nothing but scream, "BACHELOR PAD!" Well, it is a bachelor pad. But sooner than later, it began to sink and I decided to do something about it. However, I have about 12 feet of windows facing West out of my bedroom. In the summer, that side of my house just cooks, including my bedroom. In hasty judgement, I nailed up some blankets in an effort to lower the temperatures during this last summer. It worked, but the A/C unit I bought, as I was pushed by the ex-girlfriend (don't ask, I don't even wanna talk about it!), did a much better job. Since I am dragging my feet getting back to work, I figured why not do a little upgrading? I was able to find a drapery rod long enough-not an easy task let me tell you. But don't believe the packaging labels when they say the drapes are XX inches long....I picked out some drapes that would just about cover my windows with some extra length in tow. NOPE! Not long enough. And not to mention they hardly are up to the task of blocking out light. After two hours of trying to make it work, I caved into the fact that I am going to have to make custom drapes. That means sewing, which I don't know how to do....but I have access to my mother's sewing maching. Time to learn. Just like I learned how to paint Denim by Ralph Lauren in my bedroom. I guess ripping up the carpet and installing laminate flooring will have to wait a few more months! Maybe this week I will finally rig the rest of my rooms with remote lighting and fans. Just been lazy I guess, I mean after employing the God Remote in my living room-all else faded away. Who doesn't like being able to operate the TV, Tivo Box, Receiver, DVD player, iPod, and lights all in one remote?! A guys dream! My night life has been hit and miss. Transportation issues have arose and are now driving me to finish putting my Cobra Mustang back together-just in time for the crumby NW winter weather! Traded phone numbers on a few occassions but nothing substantial to say the least...oh well, I'm picky what can I say?! To those that actually do read this and don't know me-I have no clue what you will think of this blog. But hey, to those that do-you get me! And I appreciate you all! And yes, I am still that," ...enjoys the cheap hotel room, fly by the seat of your pants, always down for lunch Joe." I mean c'mon, the best part about being me is that the only one pushing me to be somebody different is ME! So, I guess I am okay with it!

Another trip to the DIRTY South successfully navigated! This time it only lasted 10 days with technically only three business days of work actually accomplished! AWESOME! Gotta love to get paid to do a whole lot of nothing, oh wait, am I getting paid for that trip?! Can't remember! So, we hit the ground running on a late Monday night (27th of August), grabbed up the rental car because our company refused to hook us up with one. A little change out of our pockets but well worth it! We decided it wasn't even worth it to head to FBNC so we got a hotel. Fast forward to the next day, checked with 1st TNG BDE (the most worthless group of people to ever walk the face of the earth if you ask me) and then to the MUIC. "Go over here, get this signed, then go over there, then come back, then I'll send you over there, but then you'll have to come back after you drive across Bragg for another signature....BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!" After three hours of imitating a bouncy ball in a dryer on spin-we accomplished our tasks for the day. Oh and about that day, 95 degrees with oh, about 75% humidity! HOT HOT HOT and sweaty-eww! Work day done. We get our housing set up and check out our rooms only to get slapped in the face by that nasty, gross smell of mold and old socks! Yeah, that's how my room smelled. And my co-worker, her ceiling tiles were absolutely covered in mold! I was SO PISSED! We almost decided to forego the free housing and just pay for a hotel the entire time-but that gets spendy! Luckily they had air conditioning in that joint! Otherwise I would have been OUT! I think that night was a Sharky's night, which slowly progressed into a Secret's night-over all, not impressed. The next day hooked up with Tamayo for lunch and then onto the one and only task for the day-a briefing at 1:00PM. Ooops, sorry that was for tomorrow-turns out the whole day was a free-bee! Would have been nice to know that before! Guess it pays to look at your schedule with attention to detail?! Dinner at some Italian place-you know I just love Calimari! I don't know why but it is just friggen good! Okay, after another evening in the unsanitary living conditions it was now time to have a briefing. Three hours later, some more signatures and worthless paper to fill out, we were done! Yay! More time to do what WE want! Drinks, good food, movies, shopping, overall a good time! As you can see our days were packed with a whole lot of nothing! But the next day was a big medical/dental day. Our LNO didn't show up half an hour early like he made us do! What a dick, but go figure, government employees - aka LAZY *SS F%CK&RS! Within an hour I was back in bed catching up on some ZZZZs! Why get up at 6:00AM, when your body still feels like 3:00AM, to work for half an hour or so?! I hate that crap, so I rebelled and went back to bed! However, this day was different, it was Friday before Labor Day weekend....what to do?! Rental car, nothing to do for the next four days, hmmmmm?! By midnight that night we were cruising the strip in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina soaking up all the craziness! Oh my gosh, that place is NUTS! Never seen people on vacation pull up a lawn chair on the sidewalk of the strip with the family and just LOOK! So many stretched out bikes with riders throwing all caution to the wind and not wearing any helmets or anything. Girls walking up and down the street in those short shorts we love so much! Old white women with their husbands wearing 10 gallon cowboy hats trying to maneuver around the groups of brothas taking up the entire sidewalk-for no apparent reason other than they were bored! Fancy cars and stuck up blondes riding in the passenger seats-no hotel rooms at a decent place for less than $200 per night and no guarentee to have vacancy all weekend....so it was to the roach motel for us! But it worked out just fine, $80 per night, vacancy all weekend, A/C with a beach side view! PERFECT, we'll take it! Sleep in, good eats, iPod going crazy, good times! For dinner the next night we hit up one of my co-workers favorite spots, well from what she remembered last time she was there cause apparently she was "in love," and doesn't remember much past where she bought the booze! But she remembered this place, and go figure they serve mixed drinks by the pitcher! Hmmmm, wonder why this place stuck out in her memory?! We ordered up some Buffalo Wings, Oysters Rockafella, and fries...three pitchers later we are awarded with a T-Shirt for every pitcher we put away! Wow, not only are we reaping the benefits of racing down the last pitcher, final count 3, they are congratulating us with free shirts! GREAT! My co-worker turned out on her charm and pumped the waiter for inteligence on the best places to go near the strip, cab/walking distance. Dierrier was named, it was one of the establishments where the women who work there have Clothing Phobias or what we like to call "naturalists," only thing is that they like to paid in $1 increments to start and love RAP Music! Nice place. But it cost me $20 to get in, she of course was free and when we get to the bar-they don't even serve any alcohol! WTF?! Luckily, we were tipped off prior. I showed the bar tender, if you can call him that, my package of 12 Joy Filled Silver Bullets and he happily provided me with a cooler filled with ice! How nice! It was so wierd to be at a place like that, down right trashy-but kinda cool too, in a dirty south kinda way! Of course, Joe made friends and showed some of the new guys, those who are unsure of themselves in places such as that, how to really get your money worth! They laughed, I thought to myself that I was just being normal-guess not! Long night to say the least, I don't think that place ever closed! But my internal clock shut down at about 3:00AM...not to mention my brain couldn't remember getting back to the hotel anyways! Needless to say I slept in like a Champion after winning the Gold in DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH! Dinner the next day was "her" idea as we attended one of those shows/dinners events-like Midevil Times from The Cable Guy except it was driven by the south - it was called '........ Stampede' I cannot even remember the damn name! But it was fun, horses, buffalos, wagons, blah blah blah....good times! Then off to another club, Secrets for some more $1 payments! But that sucked so we bounced. Then to the Beach on Broadway and watched some alcohol driven people think they were super starts on stage trying to keep up with the bouncy ball on the screen while screaming out the lyrics to every imaginable song from Lynrd Skynrd to Rhianna to 2Pac...hilarious! Best part of the night was the Taxi that we called to drive us around....not only was it a trashy taxi from South Carolina but it was a LIMO! My co-worker had never been in a limo before and it was just too bad that her first time was in this junky, beat up, clunky limo! Oh well, par for the course! Next day, drive home. Lucky for me the drive home took 1/3 as long and I didn't lose my patience and be a total jerk - like the annoying 12 hour drive down there the first time! But nobody likes not knowing where you are going, expecially as the navigator only navigates with their emotions, "oh look, hotels are over there, quick turn here (after the turn of course)..." "look, I've only been here once, blah blah blah, fine you decide where we are going!" WTF...I don't know where the hell we are! NAVIGATE, navigator...or get in the back and shut up! Work time. Finished work on Tuesday, flight home set up for Thursday morning. Done by 2:00PM....maybe hotel then to the bar?! YEP! That's when I "Fell in Love with a Stripper!" Yeah, Sharky's is the best! Good times. Up until the plane ride to Atlanta when 10 min before landing I awoke dripping wet with sweat and that feeling of, "in 2 seconds I'm gonna totally throw up!" Luckily I didn't but I almost threw my co-worker out of her seat, it was either than or throw up on her lap, I think she appreciated the latter! I guess I was whiter than white when we got off the plane. I felt like crap and couldn't figure it out. Must have been the hangover catching up with me and it didn't like all that cheap vodka from the bar! Landed in PDX, picked up with Acura, drove home and SLEPT! Woke up for dinner, and SLEPT some more! Good times, love FBNC!