baby girl juggalette's blog: "My life~~as it happens"

I'm so sorry that I haven't written in a while, i have been so busy with thanksgiving and now trying to get all my christmas stuff done. So when I left off I was just starting business school and i had just met Dan. Dan was very sexy, tall blonde hair blue eyes and the sweetest talking guy you could ever meet. I could never figure out why he chose to be with me. I met him while I was working at a carvel ice cream store. the first 6 months of our relationship was wonderful, we hardly ever faught or argued, but then maybe again I was just so in love with the idea of being in love that I didn't see the warning signs. then he moved into one of my parents apratments to be closer to me, and I ended up "unofficially" moving in too, meaning I wasn't there to help pay the bills, but I stayed there ever night and and cleaned up for him blah blah blah. After we were dating for about a year and half, things started getting worse, to the point where I knew something was wrong and i started to get scared, like prior to this point now that i think back there were signs that i just didn't act on, like when he wanted sex and i wasn't in the mood, he would push and push until i finally gave in, when he would clean his shot gun, he would tell me it was because he wanted to make sure it would fire if I got out of hand, he would get jealous if I was "too nice" to the waiter or the check out boy. So it was shortly after I graduated business school, I told him that I wanted to leave him and he got pissed and left, so I went to work and he came to my work and purposed to me with a ring and everything, so I gave into him and said yes (again the idea of being in love) well about 2 months later we moved into a bigger place. and about a week after we moved, he came home from work and was in a pissy mood. and I supposedly got in his way and pushed me to the ground hard. Well I got pissed and got up and slapped him across the face, and then he got this wild look in his eyes and hit me a couple of times in the face and tried choking me. I kicked him in the crotch and ran out. i ran to a neighbor and called my parents to come get me. My mom actually hard the nerve to ask what I did to him? thanks mom, I love you too.

Okay So I started my senior year in high school Life was good, My last year in school, No worries, A new neice to be proud of..yes life was good. I was heavily into drugs and drinking at this point but my mom still did not have a clue. I started having sex about this time too. About October, all my so called friends started dropping out and there i was still in school. even though i was into drugs to escape reality, i still had enough respect of myself to complete high school. So i made new friends. the so called "hicks" of the school. But they showed me what friend really are, they helped me get off the drugs. Even with these great friend I still felt that I was missing something. Though I maintained an happy appearence on the outside, i was actually very depressed in the inside. So i didn't have the drugs to escape, I continued with the cutting, though i kept it hidden very well. Right before Christmas break I tripped going down the stairs at school (blonde moment) and torn my ACL. I could not have surgery on my knee until March. that surgery was the worse thing ever. I have a huge scar on my knee now for the rest of my life and it sucks. I can tell you when we are gonna get rain or snow because my knee just kills me now because of it. My senior prom was exciting, I went with a great guy named will. He was so much fun, he wasn't the best looking guy in school, but he made me laugh and treated me like a lady. Then graduation came and went, and after that i lost touch with all my friends. I started business school July of 97, I met this guy Dan at the end of that july and he became my first "real relationship" my next blog will be all about this first relationship with this guy. thanks for reading

Okay now comes a year where most of it is very fuzzy to me. I started hard core into the drugs my junior year. I was always skipping school, but never dropped below a B average. Great friends I had or so I thouhgt. We also had the school system figured out, we could skip no more then 3 days in a row before they called out parents. I got my driver's license that year so that just made things even worse. I also worked at the local grocery store so I knew if i had to work that nite I had to at least go in late to school...just in case ya know. We would go to breakfast and then just smoke or drink. Smetimes we would get coke or H. Not that often though. I still can't believe that i ever did this shit. I was a good kid though so my mom left me alone. that is what I wanted to believe I think now she just didn't want to deal with the trouble. she was still trying to deal with her favorite daughter leaving her. So this even put more pressure on me, here I was the youngest of 3 and the ther too disappointed my mom. I felt like I had to make up for their mistakes. Do you know how hard it is to do that? So I just kept my grades up, never left the house unless she knew i was leaving. went to work and kept to myself...or so she thought. I was 16 now so i was allowed to date. though I didn't really date anyone. Half way through my junior year I started working at Mcdonald's and met a guy that I totally fell in love with. his name was travis, he didn't go to my school and he was so funny and cute. He was younger then me so he didn't drive so I would take him after work and stuff. he never pressured me, i think that is why i loved him. he excepted me for me, never wanted anymore then i could give him. My sister became pregnant around thanksgiving of my junior year. she worked 3 jobs to support herself and her boyfriend (slacker boy "couldn't" find a job) My mom was bittersweet about the pregnancy but after all she was her favorite daughter. The last day of my junior year I came home and my mom told me that my sister was having contractions all day so i went to spend the night with her. because by this time slacker boy had a job FINALLY working nite shift. The next day my sister finally had a baby girl. my 2nd neice.

Okay here is my freshman and sophmore years of high school from what I can remember. My freshman year was well okay I guess. My sister was a senior when I was a freshmen so she helped me out alot, I was friends with her friends and hung out with her and them, except towards the end of the year she started to hang out with my freshmen friends and they liked her better then me, so needless to say I lost those so called friends. The summer inbetween my freshman and sophmore year. my sister met her now husband. When I first met him I was was like there is something weird about him but could not put my finger on him. But then again she was totally in love with him and being the good sister I am i just told her what i felt and then accepted whatever decision she made. My sophmore year started and all my so called friends would ask me day in and day out about her. i was like HELLO i am here talk to me ask me questions. So I figured out that I was not my own person, but my sisters shadow. So here i was lost and trying to figure out who i was at the age of 15. So I discovered my new friends drugs and cutting. My friend angie taught me how to inhale cigarettes so I was totally addicted to smoking now, got into pot and acid my sophmore year. When i was stone or tripping, i was taking the pain away by cutting myself. but i walways made sure it was places that could not be seen with clothes on.....because i was the fat chick i had no boyfriend to worry about seeing me naked. i kept my grades up so my mom never had to worry about me. I was one of those people that did not have to study to hard to pass test and my new friends (the druggies as they were called in my school) we would all just pick on subject to do the homework and meet before school and copy off of each other. we had that all down pact. or so I thought. The last day of my Sophmore year I come home to have my mom screaming at me saying where is she? I was like what are you talking about. She said that she got home from work and there was a note saying that her and her bf had taken off and not to worry about them. Now my mom didn't really care for her bf to begin with because he was a slacker and could never keep a job. All I could think was well she is 18 there is nothing you can do. Well the next 10 days were horrible, all my mom did was scream at me or ignore me. Then one day My brother called and said they showed up at his house. So my mom drug me along on a 4 hour drive to go pick her up. Well I guess they talked and they reason they left was because loser boy lost his job and his parents kicked him out of their house. So my mom gave him money to get a room at the local hotel as long as my sister came home. Well i guess it was all said and done and we left to come back home and my sister and loser boy were suppose to be leaving a couple hours later. Well later that night my sister calls and says she is going to stay with loser boy at the hotel. My mom shit a brick and swore she would never talk to her again. To this day I still feel she feels that this was my fault somehow.

Okay so when I left off I had mentioned that my brother have moved in with my grandparents, but I did forget to mentioned my grandparents lived 4 hours away from me. So now in my 8 years of life I have lost my father and my brother out of my life, though they weren't gone gone, but they were no longer "allowed" in my life, thanks to my mother. This is where the seed of hatred towards my mother was planted, although it would not start to grow until much later in my life it was there and then that it was planted. When i was in 6th grade (age 10) I had tried cutting my wrist, being that young I think it was more so for attention then it was actually to kill myself. One of my friends had told my teacher and my teacher told the guidence councelnor and of course my mom was called. Instead of my mom talking to me about my feelings or taking me to a shrink to talk about them....she took me shopping. Yes my friends my mom believes that money can fix anything. When I was in 8th grade (age 12) I wrote a poem about suicide for english class (it was a very great poem and I wish i still had it) Then of course i was down out the counsler's office and my mom called again. Again we went shopping...see a pattern here? 8th grade is when My best friend Angie moved in next door to me. Angie has been a big influence on my life and still is. Also around this time is when i started to steal cigarettes from my mom. Even though I wasn't actually smoking (not inhaling) I thought it was cool. Okay i am gonna stop there for now. The next session will be about my freshman and sophmore years of high school! thanks for reading and have a great weekend. MUCH LOVINGS

Okay, I was sitting here thinking that ALOT of you really do not really know my history or about me. So i decided that I am going to write my life sotry on here. I have 27 years to cover here so it will take quit a few blogs to complete. And then I will take you on a day to day basis of how I feel what I did that day ect ect. So I was born August 19, 1979 at the solider and sailor hospital in Wellsboro PA. My parents were still together at the time, I had an older brother and sister. We lived in my grandparents (my mother's parents) backyard for the first 2 years of my life. Around 2 years old my parents got a divorce and my mom moved my brother sister and I down to my step fathers house and this is the house that I grew up in. My step father is great, he raised me and i love him to death. Growing up I never really knew my real father and My mother always told me it was because he was a drunk and wanted nothing to do with us. (even though he lived a matter of 3 miles away from us) Growing up I lead a normal life I guess you could say. I was very close with my brother. When I was 8 and he was 14 he got into trouble and my mom basically said she didn't want him anymore. Our real father took him in and he lived there for like 6 months got into trouble there and my father couldn't handle him either though we both think it was my father's second wife. So my brother then lived with a foster family until my grandparent's took custody of him. So my Brother, my one true friend moved away from me. That killed me. Okay I am gonna stop writing now and continue this tomorrow. thanks for reading!