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O.J. in HeLL

One day in the near future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to HeLL, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,†commented OJ. The Devil opened the third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said .. . . . . (This is priceless) "OK, Monica, you're free to go.">

My friend sent me this.....

My Dear friend, 1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the bitch/bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile - I will know you got laid really good and are happy. 4. When you are scared - I will be your protector. I will rag on you about it every chance I get until your fears are gone. 5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused - I will use small words and help you understand. 7. When you are sick, I will give you the best medical advice and medicine that I have, but stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your ass, and then help you up to get you going. This is my oath...... I pledge it 'til the end. Why, you may ask, because you are my friend. Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a dead body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
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