MJBlette New Pics Up's blog: "My First Blog"

I recently looked up some of George Carlin's best jokes online. These are a few of the jokes I think he will be best remembered by. I hope you like them as much as I do. CARLIN-ISMS If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2? One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? What if there were no hypothetical questions? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America you get a front row seat.

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up... our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. I contacted you, so my job is done

I think some of these are the finniest things anyone has even said. "Use the window, Richard, that's what it's for!" What a nice way of calling someone a dick. LOL "That boah's about as sharp as a bowlin' ball". "That boy's as sharp as a sack of wet mice!" He's so dumb, he thinks a pig pen is something to write with. That gal reminds me of the highway between Dallas and Ft. Worth -- no curves. This boy's as strong as an ox...and almost as smart. LMAO

Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh!

Ten web-related terms that sound dirty but really aren't 1. Go ahead and plug it into the back-end 2. That's really a nice front-end design 3. I'm having trouble mounting your machine 4. The server keeps going down on me 5. I got this strange pop up 6. IP 7. This site keeps asking me if i want a cookie 8. This site is very sticky 9. Submit now 10. I got the virus from a college friend and then i gave it to about 40 people LMAO

THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous ..... A physician claimed that the following are actual Comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone Before. 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all.. 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

I understand that some women like to hyphenate their names when they get married. I even understand the reasons they do it. But I can not understand is why the women with these names did. Hemp-Ho Traylor-Hooker Looney-Ward Beaver-Wetting Wang-Holder Harolds-Balls You have to admit.....they are hilarious last names.

Here's some friendly advice for you. It just might help you sometime. 1. During a hurricaine it's not THAT the wind is blowing......it's WHAT the wind is blowing. 2. When at a nature preserve, never ask a buffelo if his wings are HOT or BBQ. 3. Never buy a house at the end of a one way dead end street. 4. Always remember that Orange Roughie is a fish not what happens after eating a bag of Cheese Doodles. 5. Never beleive a woman who says she can't help you move to your new home because She Stubbed Her vagina. 6. You have to push the button for the cross walk 9 or 10 times real fast for it to work 7. Never go to Germany and order an imported beer...you'll just get a Bud Lite

Blind people are fun to practical jokes on…….they never see it coming When a house near a large airport goes up for sale…….sell it to a deaf person….they won’t complain about the noise If a blonde is annoying you, give her a card that says “turn this card over” on both sides…..then just sit back and enjoy the fun Stand in front of a candy store handing out Ex-Lax as free samples of a new candy….then check the papers the next day to see if the sewer backed up. Tell your grand mother that the latest fad is to go braless…….just watch where you’re walking if she believes you. Ask your Mexican friend if he bought the latest DBD Ask the next person you see in a wheel chair what kind of gas mileage they get on that thing

TOP 10 THINGS YOU NOTICE WHEN YOU GET OLD 10. You think “libido” is Italian pasta 9. You repeat yourself 8. You find yourself dancing to elevator music 7. Your favorite kind of food is “soft” 5. You join a mall-walking league 5. Joggers pass you when you’re driving 4. A “quickie” becomes a nap at a red light 3. You repeat yourself 2. The tooth fairy has more of your teeth then you do 1. Sex becomes a job and you have to file for unemployment