MissBehave's blog: "My Daily"

Fact of the day:  In Arizona you may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Joke of the day:

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

Word of the day:   DILDO

City in Newfoundland, Canada

Mans rival. Inserted into the pussy in place of a real dick. usually bigger than normal because size matters.

A plastic penis that
a. women pleasure themselves with
b. women pleasure other women with
c. men use in their poop tubes

Same as soybeans, both are used as a MEAT substitute.

A girl's best friend.

A object that looks like a phallus, but doesn't carry the HIV virus, you don't have to orally please it, don't worry about pre-cum, it can go as long as you can, and doesn't go to sleep after sex.

the only reason men try to avoid pissing their girlfriends off

A penis shaped sex toy inserted into a woman's vagina for the purpose of masturbating. Originally derived from the common practice of women using large cucumbers to pleasure themselves. As in "dill" pickle or cucumber. "Doe" as in anonymous or a "john doe". Hence, dildo.

Fact of the day:    The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.

“Someone save me”

Joke of the day:

Why sex is like riding a bike….

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

Word of the day:   I’d-hit-it

Vernacular commonly used by males, meaning, «I would NOT MIND having sexual relations with that woman.»
There's a big difference between «I'd hit it..." and "I'd definitely hit it!"; same as between «I'd do her.» and «I'd definitely do her!»
The first sentence indicates that the person who is speaking is moderately interested in the woman in question. The second sentence indicates that the person is considerably interested in the woman, and might swoop down for the kill, if given the opportunity.

Announcing you would straight up stuff a bitch.

What guys who really don’t get poontang say when they see something they definitely cant get

the #1 way in the world to get bitchslapped by a woman

Fact of the day:   Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.

“Hmm… not sure if the (married) part is the reason or if he just has someone that loves him.” I think its love =)

“What’s sad… all the poor bastards who can’t wait to die cause they hate their wives and yet they get to live an extra 10 years or so.” ROFLMFAO!!!

Joke of the day:

A woman is like a pack of cards ...

... You need a heart to love her

... A diamond to marry her

... A club to smash her head in

... And a spade to bury the bitch

Word of the day:   MARRIAGE

Suicide in it's worst form.

The triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A sure way to kill 95% of a woman's sex drive.

A legal agreement that allows a woman to kill a man by torturing.

The most expensive way in order to get a woman for free everyday.

The process in which the evil robot race known as "women" enslave men for eternity. This process includes many practices like exchanging two silver bands and placing them upon each others fingers, exchanging something called "vows" declaring the loyalty to the other party. This process can also be called "moving to Albuquerque" or "putting on the ball and chain" after this process is complete the woman begins to slowly suck the life out of the man over the years till nothing remains but an obedient shell of what used to be a good friend of yours.

Fact of the day:    The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

Joke of the day:

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

Word of the day:    HELLA           (dedicated to my fellow Californians)

Hella. Originated from the streets of San Francisco in the Hunters Point neighborhood. It is commonly used in place of "really" or "very" when describing something.

A multi-purpose word invented by people in north california, indigenous to the Bay Area.
Adjective: To describe a lot of something or something good.
Noun: A lot of
Adverb: Suplemental, inferrs a great quantity or that you're doing something and DOING IT RIGHT!
Interjection: An affirmation of what someone just said

Generally means 'very' or 'really'.
It's the NorCal counterpart to the SoCal "Dude" in terms of frequency of use. In SoCal, hella is used more satirically, because it is so ridiculous. Then again, so is dude. Hecka is to Hella as heck is to hell, obviously. But Hecka is even more ridiculous.

Fact of the day:   A snail can crawl across a razor blade without getting injured. This is possible because they excrete a slime that protects them.

“Makes you wonder if snails were once emo”

Joke of the day:

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a primary school" he answered.

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

Word of the day:   Gobbler

A Gobbler is when a person lets their nuts hang out of the zipper on their pants, then runs around in front of people screaming, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!" This refers to the resemblance of a person's nut sack and a turkeys "snood" (The flap of skin that hangs over the turkey's beak).

One who gobbles on the cock.

When a girl is so skinny that her clit hangs out of her vagina.

A practical joke where the joker allows his scrotum to get a nasty bright red sunburn, then drapes it over a sleeping/drunk victim's nose, where it resembles a male turkey, then snaps several pictures to humiliate the person when they wake/sober up.

Fact of the day:    Research indicates that plants grow healthier when they are stroked.

Joke of the day:

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

Word of the day:   FUCKTARD

Noun. A combination of the word "fuck" (to fornicate) and the word "tard" (to delay). Therefore, a fucktard is a girl who won't let you fornicate with her until like the third or fourth date.

A leotard with a hole in the crotch instead of snaps so you can get some quick in and out action between ballet performances.

The bastardization of two words: "fuck" and "tard" - the latter being a shortened version of "retard", a derogatory word to describe those with lesser mental ability. In use, it is an insult that can usually express two emotions at once - complete frustration and disbelief. Frustration at the stupidity of someone, and disbelief that yes, they are actually that stupid.

Fact of the day:    The most expensive martini costs $650. Currently it is only available in Newport Beach, California. The martini contains vintage which goes back to 1802, and came from Napoleon's reserve.

Joke of the day:

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

Word of the day:   EMO

Genre of softcore punk music that integrates unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who dont smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle.

A group of white, mostly middle-class well-off kids who find imperfections in there life and create a ridiculous, depressing melodrama around each one. They often take anti-depressants, even though the majority don't need them. They need to wake up and deal with life like everyone else instead of wallowing in their imaginary quagmire of torment.

There are two types of emo's.

1. You have the fake, trendy, bullshit emo. These are the people that force themselves to be emo, try to dramatize their life, and think wearing black and cutting your wrists is emo.

2. The true emo, some who is overly emotional. Thats right, emo's can smile and be happy! Many people suffering from manic depression are labelled emo, because they can't help feeling like life fucking sucks. Alot of them also cut, hence people labelling other people who cut 'emo'

Fact of the day:   The French have a doughnut called "Nun's Fart."

Joke of the day:

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Word of the day:  DOUCHEBAG

Example 1:

The term "douchbag" generally refers to a male with any number of characteristics not associated with one particular region or age demographic. Douchebag is a combination of attitude qualities, social ability, and attire.

In terms of geography douchebags can be found nearly anywhere. For instance, douchebags can be seen in New Jersey where fake diamond earrings, frosted spiked hair, Razor phones, half a can of Axe, unbuttoned collared shirts, Fossil watches, overly groomed chinstraps, backwards colored Yankee hats with the sticker still attached and 2002 Mustangs are considered "tight." At the same time douchebags are also plentiful in the Southwest where on any given Wednesday night on frat row in Tempe you can find males who find it "sweet shit" to wear pink collared shirts, while donning the following attire: pukka-shelled necklaces, fake skater shoes, have some variation of an Asian symbol tattoo on their shoulder or back, wear a Hurley hat that sits cockeyed on their head, throw various fake gang signs during pictures and drive their dad's old white 1997 convertible M3 BMW. They also generally find the length of time one drinks while doing a "keg-stand" directly correlates with the amount of pussy one can get.

As mentioned douchebags transcend not only various geographical locations, but age demographics as well. For instance, douchebags are quite often seen just south of Sarasota, FL as evidenced by 45 year old men who still wear Oakley's, shave their chests, wear shirts that read "ride" on the front and "me" on the back, and think its cool to wear white K-Swiss'. They are usually on first name basis with the girls at Hooters, and think white T-shirt contests with 1/2 half-off Margaritas are better than a baseball game with $1 beers. At the same time, we can see young 21 year old douchebags in West L.A. who still think that Dolce Gabana belt buckles, and fo-hawks are "pimp shit."

In terms of behavior douchebags have an over-inflated sense of self worth, lack the social ability to interact with non-douchebags, and have tricked their minds into thinking that they "get mad pussy." The irony is that they very rarely get pussy, but amazingly have the amazing propensity to talk quite often about allegedly getting it.

Example 2:

That annoying guy that always talks about how cool he is, how tough he is, and acts like he is better than everyone. He tries to start shit with people and be a complete dick - usually unknowingly since he doesn't catch the fact that he's making a fool out of himself.

Though the common douchebag thinks he is accepted by the people around him, most people dislike him. He loves to appear in many places, such as parties where he seeks attention by, again, making a fool out of himself. A douchebag is also considered a little bitch.

To cure douchebag-iness, apply fist to face of douchebag every once in a while (usually when he tries to act tough). After a while it may or may not disappear. If symptoms continue, resort to more violent and dramatic measures.

Example 3:

1.Present in any given social environment, A douchebag is "that guy"... that squawking choadspank who is completely full of shit, or that moron whose head is so far up his or her ass that they will never see the light nor breathe the air again.

2. In a social situation, This person is ALWAYS the most unintelligent, arrogant, worthless, and audacious person, however firmly believes themselves to be the smartest, most important, and most sociable.

3. He is the guy that really gets under your skin, that jerk-off artist who stole that girl's virginity who you've had a crush on since the first grade, that sick minded individual that manages to suck some of the the most genuine and moral people into his fake destructive facade

3. Someone who is completely unbearable and unreasonable when put in a leadership position, for the more power they are given, the more endorsed they feel to spew their bullshit in everyone's faces.

4. Someone who projects such a negative image that people around them agree they should not even bother waking up in the morning.

5. Someone who doesn't care about producing any moral good in this world, regardless of who they are or how much power they have

This could go on and on… but lets not!