RCouchenou's blog: "My Current Thoughts"

I suppose nobody really knows who they are, until that becomes defined in relation to another in an intimate relation, sexual and personal. I think it is the kind of thing we spend most of our lives trying to discover. Occasionally catching glimpses, only to be misplaced as intimate relations are lost.

I believe I am an egotist. I had, at one time, been accused of being a perfectionist, but I don’t believe that is accurate though to some so it would seem. The fact is I apply myself to do my best, and that effort is construed by others, satisfied with less in their own attempts, as perfectionism to a fault. That is not true of me, but I may be an egotist. Wanting to do my best, and subsequently be rewarded for that effort.

I am a musician. There is a standard of performance I strive for. It could be considered a professional level of accomplishment. I am not content with less, but this is not perfectionism, only a level or two above the average or amateur. Seldom is a point reached that would be considered perfection, but to the average ear, mistakes become undetectable.

I need a woman who can live with my egotism, and possibly learn to exploit it to our mutual benefit. Beautiful, sexual and brains the compliment of my skills and talent. That is a tall order. Ambitious, but satisfied with what we can have in each other. That is an even taller order.

I’m not sure how ‘love’ should be defined. Depending on the two people involved it may be different from couple to couple. Is it reduced to that emotional stimulus which attracts one to another, is it simply the lust and sexual passion between two, is it the commitment to support and care for another to varying degree, some unconditional, some without concern for duration, and  others conditional?

When does love begin? Does it hit you all of a sudden, or does it sneak up on you and all of a sudden you realize “you love”?

And when does “love” end? When can you walk away … not necessarily without feeling, but in good conscience? When do your own personal needs and desires take precedence over those of another’s?

I’m not sure what love is. I think it is a matter of knowing it when it is experienced.

But ‘lust’ is not so elusive … I know it now. I see what I want, I desire with a passion, it fills my mind, I long for the pleasure that you will give me …

From this … to be yours, and you mine … proud to be … all others … secondary … or not at all.

Orgasm …

Men and women are different … no secret about that, duh, physically and emotionally. This may not be politically correct, but it is the truth, I know there is a trend toward making one the same as the other, but use your brains, look, recognize the obvious. Being different does not make one or the other superior, but maybe rather complimentary.

Concerning the psychological difference between men and women, I was once told ’by my mother’ not to play with the emotions of a girl (or woman) I was interested in. She wanted me to understand women process relational information differently and feel things in a more intense way than men. It would be cruel to play with a girls emotions. I know, though I do have feelings, I process those feelings before acting on them … most of the time.

This consideration, though thoughtful, may occasionally be hindering in the developing or dissolution of a relationship. This because there is a conscious intrusiveness unnatural to the normal development between a man and a woman. I’m sure there is considerable disagreement regarding this intrusiveness, but I only present it as a possibility prone to neglect.

Where the balance exists in this complimentary nature I believe in most cases needs to be accomplished in the relationship of the two attracted too and committed to each other. Some do it well and successfully, some do not. My tendency is to think those that do not last focus too much on one sided interests, their own, though possibly the others, but focusing on the others interests as a couple may last longer, though generally with significant dissatisfaction experienced by the submissive partner. This too may eventually lead to disintegration of the union.

A basic pleasure which I look forward too is an exchange of intellects, diving into concepts otherwise too foreign to be common, realizing the one being communicated too is receiving and to a degree being stimulated to learn more … able to respond, add to, and give of herself, expanding thought shared between us. Finding truth in the fact that the most sensual organ of the human is the brain.  And that not necessarily while focusing on the sexual, but male and female, masculine and feminine, unfettered to discover each other … culminating in physical union and the ecstasy of shared orgasm. If there is any true religion, this is it, and the sacrament … copulation. The act of sexual relations, between man and woman is not primarily procreative, but communicative of the spiritual union of the two. Mind and heart, intellect and emotion, man and woman, one soul. We fuck, not because we are animals, but because we desire, love and need each other. Emotional attachment grows from this. Commitment is predicated on attachment.

Of course, this may be, and has been perverted all through the history of humankind. There are too many variations to speak of them. This is the ideal, the way we are, and only short foretastes will be experienced until we realize our intellectual and sexual humanity, mind and body. 

I seriously doubt there are many women capable and willing to have me as a partner. Nor do I believe there are many fathers of women who would approve of me. It is not that I am such a despicable character or without values, but rather I am not a conventional, secure bet. I was married for a considerable period and raised (for the most part) a large family, but eventually I was asked to leave as my then wife did not want to put up with my progressive unconventional thinking (I think she was afraid of the influence I would have on our children – she was probably right).

I am an intellectual, many find reason to fear this. Having been tested, I know I have a relatively high IQ. Though intelligent my education has been a matter of independent discovery and not formal schooling. This I regret, but don’t let it bother me as I know formal education guarantee’s nothing if not taken full advantage of. Many great thinkers had no formal education.

I am (I believe) a moralist. I hold to living my values of life and just treatment of my fellow humans, to a degree I had not witnessed practiced after 30+ years intimate involvement in the Church. I do respect churched people, if it is evident they actually practice what they preach, but there are issues where disagreement will exist, one being sexual practices. I do value commitment and faithfulness, particularly that between a man and a woman.

I don’t know whether I believe in God, certainly not in the contemporary Judeo-Christian sense of the idea. Yet there is much about reality we are ignorant of, and the idea of some divine source of it all, in my mind, cannot be rejected. I do believe ne the value of myth, Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Pagan or otherwise, each has truth to be conveyed, but more often than not perverted into something other than what it actually is.

Why do I share this much? I am not interested in a woman who cannot consider such a man as me. A woman who is willing to read this, and entertain the possibilities of my free expression, may be one I would want to spend a great deal of my life with. To be sure, she will need to be sexually attractive and desirable to me, but a relationship is more than sex … but that is important.