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What are you waiting for?
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
I am God.
Today I will be handling
all of your problems.
Please remember
that I do not need your help.
If life happens to deliver a
situation to you that you cannot
handle, do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD box.
(something for God to do)
All situations will be resolved,
but in My time, not yours
Once the matter is placed into
the box, do not hold onto it by
worrying about it.
Instead, focus on all the wonderful
things that are present in your
life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic;
Don't despair. There are people in
this world for whom driving is an
unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work;
Think of the man who has been out
of work for years
Should you despair over a relationship
gone bad; Think of the person who has
never known what it's like to love &
be loved in return
Should you grieve the passing of
another weekend; Think of the woman
in dire straits, working twelve
hours a day, seven days a week
to feed her children
Should your car break down,
leaving you miles away from
assistance; Think of the paraplegic
who would love the opportunity to
take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair
in the mirror; Think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had
hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss
& pondering what is life all about,
asking what is my purpose?
Be thankful.
There are those who didn't live long
enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim
of other people's bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities;
Remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them
Huggies my friends :)
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and
drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil:
splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot
oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty
litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping
oil filter splashing oil everywhere from
holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among
trash in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer
with him. Decide to finish oil change
tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because
"I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in
hole in back yard instead of taking it
back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled
during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure
to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into
engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried
in a hole in the back yard along with
drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for
drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly
cover oily patch of ground and avoid
environmental penalties. Wash drain plug
in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh
oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter
into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used
to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
crescent wrench tightening drain plug
and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction
to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
because wrench hit Miss December
(1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and
bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case
of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00
But you know the job was done right!
Hehehehe, Gotta love our men ladies :)
Have a wonderful day all ..
~~Huggies Debbie~~
A hip young man goes out and buys
the best car available:
a Ferrari Enzo. It is also most expensive
car in the world, and it costs him $700,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari Enzo.
It cost $700,000!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 217 miles an hour!"
states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks,
"Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the car hit top
speed. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...
Something whips by him going much faster.
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?'
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him,
he sees a dot coming toward him.
It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction!
and it looked like the old man on the moped.
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy.
"How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
But again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out,
and it IS the old man! He runs up to the mangled old
man and says,
"Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath,
"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror"
Don't eat chicken sandwiches,
no matter what!!!.....
A little boy and a little girl attended
the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to
eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought
chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and
fifth grades, until one day he noticed
that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey,
how come you're not eating chicken,
don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop
eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers
down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said,
"That's right.
You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches
until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl,
"I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled
down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God,
it's too late for you! You've already
got the neck and the gizzards!!!
