Pioneers! O Pioneers!

COME my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!

For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you youths, Western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the
seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the past we leave behind,
We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We primeval forests felling,
We the rivers stemming, vexing we and piercing deep the mines
within,
We the surface broad surveying, we the virgin soil upheaving,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Colorado men are we,
From the peaks gigantic, from the great sierras and the high
plateaus,
From the mine and from the gully, from the hunting trail we come,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

From Nebraska, from Arkansas,
Central inland race are we, from Missouri, with the continental
blood intervein'd,
All the hands of comrades clasping, all the Southern, all the
Northern,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O resistless restless race!
O beloved race in all! O my breast aches with tender love for all!
O I mourn and yet exult, I am rapt with love for all,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Raise the mighty mother mistress,
Waving high the delicate mistress, over all the starry mistress,
(bend your heads all,)
Raise the fang'd and warlike mistress, stern, impassive, weapon'd
mistress,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

See my children, resolute children,
By those swarms upon our rear we must never yield or falter,
Ages back in ghostly millions frowning there behind us urging,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

On and on the compact ranks,
With accessions ever waiting, with the places of the dead quickly
fill'd,
Through the battle, through defeat, moving yet and never stopping,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O to die advancing on!
Are there some of us to droop and die? has the hour come?
Then upon the march we fittest die, soon and sure the gap is fill'd.
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the pulses of the world,
Falling in they beat for us, with the Western movement beat,
Holding single or together, steady moving to the front, all for us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Life's involv'd and varied pageants,
All the forms and shows, all the workmen at their work,
All the seamen and the landsmen, all the masters with their slaves,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the hapless silent lovers,
All the prisoners in the prisons, all the righteous and the wicked,
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

I too with my soul and body,
We, a curious trio, picking, wandering on our way,
Through these shores amid the shadows, with the apparitions
pressing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Lo, the darting bowling orb!
Lo, the brother orbs around, all the clustering suns and planets,
All the dazzling days, all the mystic nights with dreams,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

These are of us, they are with us,
All for primal needed work, while the followers there in embryo wait
behind,
We to-day's procession heading, we the route for travel clearing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you daughters of the West!
O you young and elder daughters! O you mothers and you wives!
Never must you be divided, in our ranks you move united,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Minstrels latent on the prairies!
(Shrouded bards of other lands, you may rest, you have done your
work,)
Soon I hear you coming warbling, soon you rise and tramp amid us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Not for delectations sweet,
Not the cushion and the slipper, not the peaceful and the studious,
Not the riches safe and palling, not for us the tame enjoyment,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Do the feasters gluttonous feast?
Do the corpulent sleepers sleep? have they lock'd and bolted doors?
Still be ours the diet hard, and the blanket on the ground,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged nodding
on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you in your tracks to pause oblivious,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the daybreak call-hark! how loud and clear I hear it
wind,
Swift! to the head of the army!-swift! spring to your places,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Back to Leaves of Grass 1891

http://www.jimbell.com

It's as simple as this: all of us, just doing what we do, are destroying our planet's life support system.

To be more specific, it's not so much what we're doing, but how we now do it.

Just to survive, we need water and food. We also need energy to live contemporary lives.

The way we now get energy, water and foods and most everything else is eroding the possibility of having a secure supply of these things in the future.

What should we do?

The answer is to develop ways to live a make livings that are life support self-sustaining - ways that heal and nourish each other and our planet's ecosystem.

This is the least we must do if want to leave our descendants the birthright of a happy, healthy, prosperous and completely sustaining world.

The first step toward achieving this goal is to become renewable energy self sufficient.

When a home, community, city, county, region, state or country controls its energy supply and price, it controls its economy, its ways of life and most everything else - no matter what happens to the price and supply of energy on global and national markets.

Because solar energy in its various forms is free and even delivered free, there is no cost or fuel to benefit from it. The technologies to save energy and produce what we can't save do have a cost. However, given that our inventors/developers are still getting better at saving energy and converting various forms of solar energy into electricity, the price of efficiency improvement and renewably generated electricity will continue to fall.

Every level of becoming renewable energy self-sufficient creates opportunities. In San Diego County, where I live, there is an abundance of direct sunlight. Additionally, the county has substantial wind, biomass, ocean current and wave and tidal energy from which electricity can be produced.

Hypothetically, even if direct sunlight was its only resource, and assuming 40 kWh (kilowatt hours) of electricity, natural gas, and transportation fuels are consumed directly or indirectly per capita per day, San Diego County could become renewable energy self-sufficient by increasing energy use

efficiency by 40% and covering 43% of its roofs and parking lots with 15% efficient PV panel (photo-voltaic converters.)

Becoming renewable energy self-sufficient will increase countywide economic activity by over $175 billion over a forty-year implementation period and

create over 1 million job years of employment in the process.

What about cost?

Actually, becoming renewable energy self-sufficient will cost less than continuing our dependencies on imported energy - especially if we make the transition with a little intelligence and grace.

Assuming an average cost of 10 cents per kWh over forty years, making San Diego County renewable energy self-sufficient would save the county $24 billion.* Since electricity makes up around 40% of the energy the average person uses per day, it follows that a renewable energy self-sufficient San Diego would save about $60 billion over a 40yr transition period. Additionally, the higher the cost that electricity rises over 10 cents/kWh on the open market, the greater the County's positive cash flow and resulting economic multiplier benefit will be.

* For details on this investment strategy, go to www.jimbell.com and click on "Green Papers". Although this paper Although this paper focuses on renewable electricity self-sufficiency in San Diego County, the investment strategies described can be used to become renewable energy self-sufficient for gaseous and liquid fuels as well. Additionally, this strategy can work almost anywhere on our planet, modified for climate, renewable energy sources and other local conditions. With modifications, it will also work for becoming water and food self-sufficient.

Step two - Become renewable water self-sufficient.

Water is essential to life. It is essential to the water-rich lifestyle most people in the developed world already have and that people in the developing world would like to have.

Using San Diego County as an example, increasing the coverage of its roofs and parking lots with 15% efficient PV panels by another 5% (from 43% to 48% coverage,) will allow it to become renewable water self-sufficient. The additional electricity would be used to power Reverse Osmosis (RO) pumps that force saltwater against membranes that let freshwater through, but block salt, other minerals and most pollutants.

Assuming the worst case scenario of zero rainfall and zero imported water, five percent coverage of San Diego County's roofs and parking lots with 15% efficient PV panels would produce enough electricity to produce 776,000 acre ft. of water each year. San Diego County now uses around 600,000 acre ft. of water per year. By installing PV panel on 8% of its roofs and parking lots, San Diego County could become a substantial water exporter.

Sea life will be protected from RO processing by extracting the saltwater to be used through sand filtration - extracting saltwater from coastal wells and through sea bottom sand filtration. Wastewater or brine left over from the RO process will evaporate in shallow open ponds so salt and other minerals left behind can be mined. If any RO wastewater is returned to the sea, it would have to be diluted by sand-filtered water to be less than 20% saltier than natural seawater. As a further precaution, it would be released into the sea diffusely.

Step three - Become renewable food self-sufficient.

With renewable energy and water self-sufficiency comes the ability to become renewable food self-sufficient. It also allows for the growth of a great deal of fiber and lumber.

To make this real, it is essential that we protect our agricultural soils from development and other misuses. My research indicates that we still have enough agricultural soil in the world to feed everyone a nutritious diet of tasty food with lots of variety. With renewable energy-powered RO, this is still true for San Diego County. Unfortunately, neither of these statement will be true for long if we do not protect and preserve our best agricultural soils for life-sustaining agriculture.

Step four - Make a personal decision to be a parent of no more than two children, unless your child dies before reproducing themselves. If the world's population dropped by 1%/yr, in 100 years it would be down to 2.5 billion (the world's population in the early 1950's.) With a population drop of 1/2% per year, this would take 200 years.

Step five - Develop a Space Debris Detection and Defense System. We are the first generations of people who have the technology to locate any space objects crossing Earth's orbit that we might be threatened by. We also have the technology to nudge objects into Earth-safe orbits, should they be large enough to cause serious harm to our life-support system if they collide with us. We can even capture such objects in moon and Earth orbits for scientific study and to mine for valuable minerals.

As I said before, if we want to leave the birthright of a happy, healthy, prosperous life-sustaining future to our young and future generations, these five steps are the minimum we must do, and the sooner the better.

We've come so far, so why blow it now? We know what to do, some of us know how to do it. The rest of us can learn. If the living generations develop life-sustaining economies and ways of life worldwide over the next 60 years or so, there is little to stop us from colonizing space in our own galaxy and beyond.

If we don't develop a supporting and symbiotic relationship with our planet's life support system soon, we will follow the footsteps of the great civilizations of the past that utterly failed at the height of their greatest achievements. Civilizations that fell because they based their existence on the exploitation of others and the unsustainable use the life support system on which they resided.

I've been pondering this again... Shit has been crap, lately... Fuck the goat in my ass...

I want some recognition for the fact that I'm mostly harmless. I want to stop being the flower on the wall. I want some people around to notice. I want to stop taking the fall. I want your undivided attention. I want my come-uppance due. I want to divert all your dissent and I want the one and only you.
enough of that...
i want someone to take me aside and put my head in their lap and stroke those spots above and behind my ear and tell me that i'm actually not a piece of shit and that i really am a likable and liked person and that i shouldn't worry about what others say no matter how it hurts and that i really should just come be with them until things blow over and i should focus my all on what i really want because i deserve it and goddammit SOMEBODY MAKE ME FUCKING BELIEVE ALL THIS PATSY BULLSHIT COMING OUT OF MY FUCKING MOUTH BECAUSE THE LAST FUCKING THOUGHT I'LL HAVE TONIGHT IS HOW I CAN'T FIND MY WAY OUT!!!!

Driving directions to Parker, CO
23,170 km – about 55 days 4 hours
Suggested routes

   
   
Lakewood WA
Australia
1.    Head west toward Goldfields Hwy       
2.4 km
2.    Turn right at Goldfields Hwy       
236 km
3.    Turn right at Main Reef Rd       
3.1 km
4.    Turn right at Leonora Laverton Rd       
102 km
5.    Turn right to stay on Leonora Laverton Rd       
13.7 km
6.    Turn left at Warburton Range Rd       
7.4 km
7.    Turn left to stay on Warburton Range Rd       
73.9 km
8.    Continue on Great Central Rd       
468 km
9.    Slight left to stay on Great Central Rd
Entering Northern Territory
       
319 km
10.    Continue on Petermann Rd       
6.7 km
11.    Continue on Great Central Rd       
3.0 km
12.    Turn left at Petermann Rd       
156 km
13.    Continue on Tjukaruru Rd       
52.9 km
14.    Slight left at Lasseter Hwy       
0.6 km
15.    Turn left toward Lasseter Hwy       
3.6 km
16.    Turn left at Lasseter Hwy       
141 km
17.    Turn left at Luritja Rd       
68.4 km
18.    Turn right at Ernest Giles Rd       
97.1 km
19.    Turn left at Stuart Hwy       
119 km
20.    Turn left to stay on Stuart Hwy
Go through 1 traffic circle
       
1,505 km
21.    Slight right at Goyder Rd       
0.3 km
22.    Slight left at Gilruth Ave       
1.8 km
23.    At the traffic circle, take the 3rd exit onto Kahlin Ave       
0.4 km
24.    At the traffic circle, take the 3rd exit onto Myilly Tce       
72 m
25.    Turn left to stay on Myilly Tce       
0.3 km
26.    Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering Japan
       
5,404 km
27.    Turn right toward 国道384号線       
1.3 km
28.    Slight left at 国道384号線       
4.3 km
29.    Slight right at 県道164号線       
0.3 km
30.    Turn right to stay on 県道164号線       
7.7 km
31.    Slight right at 県道31号線       
0.7 km
32.    Turn right at 県道27号線       
5.9 km
33.    Turn right to stay on 県道27号線       
5.4 km
34.    Slight right at 馬責馬場（交差点） onto 国道384号線       
2.1 km
35.    Turn right at 東浜町（交差点） to stay on 国道384号線       
0.3 km
36.    Turn left       
74 m
37.    Turn left       
0.3 km
38.    Take the 長崎~奈良尾~奈留島~福江 ferry
Toll road
       
97.8 km
39.    Continue straight       
0.4 km
40.    Turn right at 県道112号線       
0.1 km
41.    Turn left to stay on 県道112号線       
0.1 km
42.    Turn right at 大波止（交差点） onto 国道499号線/大波止通り
Continue to follow 国道499号線
       
0.6 km
43.    Slight left to merge onto ながさき出島道路/国道324号バイパス
Toll road
       
3.2 km
44.    Take the ramp to 長崎自動車道
Toll road
       
69 m
45.    Keep left at the fork, follow signs for 長崎自動車道入口 and merge onto 長崎自動車道
Toll road
       
120 km
46.    Take exit 鳥栖ＪＣＴ toward 九州道・福岡
Toll road
       
1.0 km
47.    Merge onto 九州自動車道
Toll road
       
95.3 km
48.    Continue on 関門橋
Toll road
       
9.2 km
49.    Continue on 中国自動車道
Toll road
       
64.6 km
50.    Take exit 山口ＪＣＴ toward 山陽道・広島・大阪
Toll road
       
1.5 km
51.    Merge onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road
       
94.8 km
52.    Take exit 有料道路大竹ＩＣ to merge onto 広島岩国道路
Toll road
       
12.5 km
53.    Take the ramp on the right to 山陽道・広島・大阪
Toll road
       
1.2 km
54.    Merge onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road
       
309 km
55.    Take exit 神戸ＪＣＴ toward 中国道・西宮北・大阪
Toll road
       
1.2 km
56.    Merge onto 中国自動車道
Toll road
       
30.1 km
57.    Take exit 吹田ＪＣＴ on the right toward 名神・京都
Toll road
       
1.2 km
58.    Merge onto 名神高速道路
Toll road
       
49.0 km
59.    Take exit 草津ＪＣＴ toward 新名神・東名阪・草津田上・名古屋
Toll road
       
1.3 km
60.    Merge onto 新名神高速道路
Toll road
       
49.7 km
61.    Take exit 亀山ＪＣＴ toward 東名阪道・伊勢湾岸道・鈴鹿・名古屋・豊田
Toll road
       
1.1 km
62.    Merge onto 東名阪自動車道
Toll road
       
22.0 km
63.    Take exit 四日市ＪＣＴ toward 伊勢湾岸道・豊田
Toll road
       
1.2 km
64.    Merge onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road
       
17.6 km
65.    Take exit 高速飛島ＩＣ to merge onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道/名港トリトン
Continue to follow 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road
       
32.1 km
66.    Take exit 豊田ＪＣＴ toward 東名・名古屋・静岡
Toll road
       
0.4 km
67.    Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 東名・岡崎・静岡 and merge onto 東名高速道路
Toll road
       
303 km
68.    Continue on 首都高速3号渋谷線 (signs for 首都高速)
Toll road
       
12.1 km
69.    Take exit 谷町ＪＣＴ toward 北池袋・霞が関
Toll road
       
0.4 km
70.    Merge onto 首都高速都心環状線
Toll road
       
6.0 km
71.    Take exit 江戸橋ＪＣＴ toward 向島・湾岸線・箱崎
Toll road
       
0.7 km
72.    Merge onto 首都高速6号向島線
Toll road
       
8.7 km
73.    Take exit 堀切ＪＣＴ toward 大宮・東北道・三郷
Toll road
       
0.5 km
74.    Merge onto 首都高速中央環状線
Toll road
       
0.7 km
75.    Take exit 小菅ＪＣＴ on the right toward 常磐道・三郷
Toll road
       
0.6 km
76.    Merge onto 首都高速6号三郷線
Toll road
       
9.4 km
77.    Take exit 三郷ＪＣＴ toward 常磐道・水戸
Toll road
       
1.1 km
78.    Merge onto 常磐自動車道
Toll road
       
37.7 km
79.    Take exit 高速桜土浦ＩＣ toward 国道354号線
Toll road
       
0.9 km
80.    Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 土浦・霞ヶ浦 and merge onto 国道354号線
Partial toll road
       
2.1 km
81.    Turn left at 中村陸橋下（交差点） to stay on 国道354号線       
3.3 km
82.    Slight left at 千束町（交差点） to stay on 国道354号線       
0.6 km
83.    Turn right at 亀城公園北（交差点） onto 国道125号線       
0.7 km
84.    Turn left at 県道263号線       
0.5 km
85.    Turn right to stay on 県道263号線       
0.5 km
86.    Turn left       
0.3 km
87.    Turn right       
0.4 km
88.    Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering United States (Hawaii)
       
6,243 km
89.    Turn right at Kalakaua Ave       
0.5 km
90.    Turn left at Kapahulu Ave       
2.4 km
91.    Slight left to stay on Kapahulu Ave       
75 m
92.    Continue on Waialae Ave       
0.4 km
93.    Slight right to merge onto I-H1 W       
8.5 km
94.    Slight left at I-H201 W (signs for I-H201/Aiea)       
6.3 km
95.    Take the I-H1/I-1 exit toward Pearl City       
1.3 km
96.    Merge onto I-H1 W       
6.5 km
97.    Take exit 8A to merge onto I-H2 N toward Wahiawa/Mililani       
12.8 km
98.    Take exit 8 toward Wahiawa       
0.3 km
99.    Merge onto HI-80/HI-99/Kamehameha Hwy
Continue to follow Kamehameha Hwy
       
13.7 km
100.    Continue on Joseph P Leong Hwy       
3.2 km
101.    Continue on HI-83/Kamehameha Hwy       
16.7 km
102.    Turn left at Kuilima Dr       
0.8 km
103.    Turn right at Turtle Bay Hilton       
0.2 km
104.    Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering Washington
       
4,436 km
105.    Sharp right at N Northlake Way       
1.7 km
106.    Turn right at NE Northlake Way       
0.2 km
107.    Continue on NE Pacific St       
1.3 km
108.    Slight right at Montlake Blvd NE/WA-513       
0.5 km
109.    Merge onto WA-520 E via the ramp to Bellevue/Kirkland       
9.5 km
110.    Take the exit onto I-405 S       
5.6 km
111.    Take the exit onto I-90 E       
163 km
112.    Take exit 110 to merge onto I-82 E/US-97 S toward Yakima
Continue to follow I-82 E
Entering Oregon
       
232 km
113.    Merge onto I-84 E
Entering Idaho
       
674 km
114.    Take the exit onto I-84 E toward Ogden
Entering Utah
       
279 km
115.    Take the exit onto I-80 E toward Cheyenne
Entering Wyoming
       
624 km
116.    Take exit 359A to merge onto I-25 S/US-87 S toward Denver
Entering Colorado
       
128 km
117.    Take exit 228 for E-470 toward Limon       
1.8 km
118.    Merge onto Hwy 470 S
Toll road
       
66.3 km
119.    Take exit 4 for Jordan Rd
Partial toll road
       
0.6 km
120.    Turn left at Jordan Rd       
3.9 km
121.    Turn left at Main St       
0.7 km
   
Parker, CO

A metric fuckton of fuck landed on my fuckplate...
Until recently, I've been hiding and licking my wounds in Denver, CO. Most of my home life consists of deciding whether to work the next day or no, playing Half-Life2 and searching teh intrwebz for better porn. This came to a screeching halt about 4 weeks ago.
A friend alerted me to the fact that a friend of his was stranded, so I made contact to see if I could help. Enter, REALICIDE and EVOLVE.as it turned out, their car had died the previous day, so I politely offered to ferry them around to find a new one. Upon driving back from said purchase, I made a snap decision to give them MY car to use for the rest of their music tour.
A lot of persons have expressed to me how weird, generous and awesome that is, but that's not the perk. The perk is, I'VE MET SO MANY FUCKING PPL I NEVER KNEW EXISTED IN DENVER! It almost makes my head spin.
Anyway, so then I'm thinking to meself, "I need a road trip," and make plans accordingly.
I leave denver 2 Wedensdays ago, get to Barstow, CA, the next day, and then meet up my good friend Jesha. A few days later, I'm in San Diego, and oh my fuggin gawd I've missed the place. I got to see almost everyone I've missed since 2 yrs ago.
A week later, and I'm sitting at Women House in L.A., whimpering. I made next to no money in San Diego, have no money for Phoenix, and then things start going bad. As I was driving Robert Inhuman to a show, the beast started a-rattlin'. It isn't as bad as I thought, but it's still bad. Then, in all my drunken glory, I dropped my phone in the toilet, and have no idea what to do with it not working. Finally, to make this adventure so much better, I can't find my camera.
There IS a plus to all this crap. I'm getting phone calls about welding jobs again. If my car can make it, I'm gong to Mississippi, after Denver.......

FUCK!
-Arthur

Dear Newest Love Interest in NY,
I know you want me to come and see you. Believe me, if I had the money, I would have already flown out. My plans for travel this year have prevented it, thus far. I wish I had gotten a contract sooner, but I have have to make you wait until I'm back from being on tour, instead. I love you. I miss talking to you. every time I close my eyes, I dream of lying in your arms. I hope that's enough to sustain you until I can get there.

Huggles and kissles,
That Hobo You Know

Hooray! My roommate "did" the dishes by throwing them out somewhere, then he stole a whole 5lb bag of chicken quarters... The other roommate simply laughs at my pissed-off nature.

I have nothing to cook with, and practically nothing to eat.

On a lighter note. I'm going to be on the road for a bit. First L.A., then San Diego, Phoenix, Albequerque, and back here for a minute, before Cincinatti. While in Cincinatti, I'll be working out whether to head to NY or Dallas, but both are on my list.

If you happen to have a place I can crash, please let me know!

-Arthur

BugTaylor Soles
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myspace.com/jeebus_its_a_bug

To:

    * [SchweißerMann] SchweißerMann

Date:
May 15, 2009 12:07 AM

Subject:

RE: jeneca

Body:
He's born.
He's perfect.

Owen Elliott Endriss.
8 lbs 1 oz
20" long
DOB: May 14th, 2009 at 1:08 am



Photobucket


" alt="Owen Elliot Endriss" />

SOoooO?

My life is governed almost entirely by chaos. It seems to be where I accomplish the most. I discovered that I'm only able to stay put if I don't have a piece of earth to stand on. My relationships are hard and fast, my jobs are faster, and my residence in any city lasts only for a few months at a time. So why do I have this crazy urge to settle down?

Fact: I left Portland to escape the stagantion of my existence. Every day, up at 0300, to work by 0430, and if I hadn't finished a Rockstar AND a cup of "coffee" from my thermos, nobody would speak to me. Get off work at around 1530 and either go to Tae Kwon Do, or go to the strip joint. Weekends: Clubs, whether I was DJ-ing or not. BOOOORING!

Fact turned Fiction: Leaving makes it better. I discovered this little cycle a long time ago, when I left the safety of my parents at 13. I've traveled to all 50 states, Canada, Mexico (almost to the southern tip,) and Australia. Most of this by thumb or railcar. I never liked to stay in Portland very long, but would always end up back there. My favorite places to go were New Orleans and San Francisco, but I would often just stick out my thumb without knowing where I was heading. The point is, it's great fun, if you're an escapist.

Fact: Two main factors in running off are failed relationships and failed jobs. Seems petty? My most recent girlfriend has no idea how badly she cut me down. I was just walking down the street earlier when I thought of her. What came next was embarrassing as hell, and left my friend wondering just what he'd taken on in letting me move to Denver. As to jobs: go where there's money.

Now for the big point. I fucking hate it. All of it. I can't stand not being able to trust anyone enough to not hurt me emotionally. I can't live well if I'm too busy running around. I certainly can't afford to keep quitting jobs to get better ones, because eventually there won't be any. So how the hell do I fix this? I mean, I could try to settle down, but then I'd want to be where I can do EVERYTHING I lke. I've never been to a place like that. The US is a great big playground, where I can camp, skate, bike, drink, club, work, screw, etc., but any particular city doesn't have all of it.

...

Wait... I want it all... I SURE AS FUCK WANT IT ALL!!!! Gimme that cake! Bring me wine and wenches! Nothing can stop my happiness if I have everything that makes me happy! ... ... ........

*sigh*

You understand, I don't really feel that way. Actually, I kinda feel like the sad clown, the downtrodden hero and the prodigal savant all in one. I know I won't be happy just by those things, but that thought alone makes me depressed. What do I do now? Who wants to help me regain my "dignity" and my "sanity"? How EXACTLY do I stop fucking around, and get it done?

-Arthur Bartlett