I decided today that the whole problem with me is... I am tired and I just really don't care. It has been several months of struggling with simple things. I don't open my mail. I never answer the phone away from work. I fail to answer emails to even my favorite people. Perhaps it IS time to consider that I may have a problem.
But it can't be, I am always smiling and ready with a cheery greeting or a funny quip. There must be some sort of mistake. I am not wired to avoid things. To withdraw. It just doesn't happen.
The evidence is against me. 2-months of mail in my in-box. GUILTY! 150 messages in my emails inboxes - GUILTY! 25 messages on my answering machine - GUILTY! Yard looking like a neglected empty lot - GUILTY. there is way more, but I think that is guilty enough for now.
My earliest memory as a human is long ago in a galaxy far, far away. I was being held in a dungeon by giant penguins. However, in 1953, it was known as the polio ward at our Sisters of Saint Andrews Hospital in Oklahoma City. I was in a 3-level bank of what were known as "iron lung" machines. Nothing but my head sticking out one end. Best I can say is I was almost 2 years old. The penguins would come around and try to feed me and if I cried they threatened me with "something to cry about" which I never wanted to find out about.
I fought my way out of that alien place, found my way back to earth, and since then it has been a half-century long series of struggles. 30 surgeries of various types. Physical therapy. Rehabilitation. Resident "Homes" which were places to park society's misfits. Evil genius doctors, experimental treatments. It goes on & on.
I made it through school mostly by learning on my own and teaching myself. Honor list most of the time. Set expectations for me that were hard to fulfill. Not the dumbest thing I have ever done, but very close. I never had dates in HS, parents didn't want their little girls going out with circus freaks. What the heck - the circus didn't want me either!
As I have struggled through being an adult, I managed to attract the kind of girl mom warned me about. Went through 4 marriages and subsequently 4 divorces. It is simpler being single most of the time. I prefer having someone to be close with, a partner and lover. Maybe I just can't? Jury is still out.
I have managed to mold a career from the ashes of my life. May 12, I will have 25 years of service with one company. Maybe I will get a watch. I cant wear them.
Meanwhile, if I don't start opening up the mail soon, I will again disappoint. Myself. I am just tired of the struggles, and wonder when things will get easier for me. Or if they ever will.
I may not be all struggled out yet, maybe if I get it going once again it will keep going. I will keep my eyes crossed.
Meanwhile, here are 4 letters from the bank. Look sort of important. Better take a look at them. Wish me luck!
Charley
