Metessa's blog: "One Sided"

      Murdered Soul                   

                                     Murder Soul

The snow had fallen.. I walked among boxes. As I try to approach the window to watch the flakes fall I stumbled..What was this feeling I felt.. Had the cold entered the house or had I turned cold..I hear my heart beat..It pounded against my chest as if it was trying to hammer its way out.. Had I failed my heart or was I just imagining this.. I felt a tear drop on my cheek.. It slowly fell to my chin. I wiped it away with the back of my hand. Only to discover it was not only one tear but many.. I didn’t want this. I could hear the voice tell me.. Why was I doing it? I tried to make sense of my thoughts.  I was killing someone. With my own self destruction. I was murdering a beautiful soul. I knew my heart was protesting yearning me to listen more closely. It was to late I was beyond reason. I needed to follow through.

He approached me..”Are you sure” his head fell and he sighed “this is what you want?”

I could not look at him. It ached so bad. I just wanted him to hold me and make me stay.

“Yes, I am sure” I turned and looked out the window.. Heavier flakes were falling. A chill ran through me.

“I don’t want anything from you. What is yours is yours, and what is mine is mine.” I heard the voice in my head shouting. “BUT I WANT YOU” I ignored it. It was to late everything was set in motion. He would find out soon. I had planned it that way. But my head it was aching to tell him. To let him know I really didn’t want this. I wanted him to stop me, Force me to stay. He wouldn’t and he couldn’t, He wasn’t capable of that kind of force.

He moved, but said nothing. He was thinking, he wanted to say something. I waited. The room was quiet and seemed to grow. Or was it the distance between us that was growing. Yet I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I love this man. I could feel the need for him to hold me. Protect me from myself. It wasn’t going to happen. I knew this. I needed to leave. I lowered myself to the ground started  putting books in a box. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I shuddered moving my body away from his contact. I looked up at him.

His face was red. He was dying. His soul was withering. I was doing this to him. He was doing it to himself. He would never see it. And others would never allow him to see it. They wanted him back and I had him. Now I was letting him go. I was returning him to them,  perhaps damaged. Yet he will be theirs again and I will be the one that murdered his soul.

I looked up at him, tears overwhelming my face. “I am Sorry” I hear my inner voice this time it’s soft and sad.  “ Make me stay, say it will be different, say I am all that matters”  I waited all became quiet I heard  no voice anymore. He said nothing and walked away. My head fell to my knees the tears fell with such force. I couldn’t breathe. This was it. It was the end. I closed up the box, sealed it with tape and said goodbye to this life I had known. I walked out the door,  I had murdered him.  He will hate me. I did not feel the cold air as I stepped outside. I was frozen inside, I was dead, the love I felt would be buried. Every nail hammered will be the pain I feel for what I did to him.

Written By Metessa