froggysmack's blog: "MUMM Philosophies..."

This is where it ends…or is this where it begins? I don’t know anymore. I’ve always been the one with the answers to everything. Why can’t I solve my own issues? I’ve had it all. I’ve lost it all, and now, my scruples are slowly scattering as well. Where do you turn when you don’t know where to look? How do you get started when you don’t know where you stopped? "Everything’s gonna be alright." What is that supposed to help? I need direction. "You need God." Umm, sorry, but I’ll be damned on that one. Been there, done that. I need a break. Not like a relaxation break, but I need my lucky break. Everyone gets one, where’s mine? Did it already pass me by, back when I had it all and was too busy working to keep it to hear opportunity knocking? I actually thought I had it when I found my dream job a couple of weeks ago. They worked me in at entry level, and I knew I had the BIG job in the bag. But, how about the position was eliminated almost as soon as it was created? Is this really going to be the story of my life? I joke it away. I make it sound better than it is, but what is it? I don’t know any more if I even have a purpose. All those bits of advice, all those things we hear growing up. "Follow your dreams. Dream big. A man is only as strong as the challenges he overcomes." Well, damn it, I should be a world-class bodybuilder by now. And, have I really overcome? "You’re still alive." And, what good does that do, pray tell… Truly, I’ve prayed, now tell me! I wonder what good it is that I am still alive, daily. Though I wouldn’t take my own life, because I feel that’s the coward’s way out, it’s not to say it hasn’t crossed my mind. Why am I here? I have nothing to offer anymore. I call myself a proponent of karma, but where’s mine? I used to at least be able to see the big cheese that I was chasing. Now, I’m lucky to even have a picture of that cheese emblazoned upon my brain. What I’m saying is not meant to be depressing, because that is SO not my style. I have done everything you are supposed to do when something tragic happens to you, and you lose things. Am I taking the steps in the wrong order? I have sent resumes to EVERY where, even Atlanta. At this point I don’t care if I have to live out of my truck in a new place. In fact, it doesn’t seem so bad right now. "But you have a daughter, and you are all she has." Oh Jesus! You wanna go there, do ya? Honestly, I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that this is what there is, all there is. Obviously I’ve made mistakes and am now being forced to pay for them. She really wouldn’t be so bad off without me around. Yeah, it would devastate her, but no more than the fact that she’s never gonna see her father again. And, it would give her the coping skills I never acquired as a child. I’m learning that those are integral to getting anywhere and maintaining anything, including sanity. And, we come from a very large family, of whom many are willing to step up to the plate were I to be a goner. I think they expect it any day now anyway. Why do I suddenly have rivers down my cheeks? I don’t need a savior. I don’t want a free ride. I just want a reason to be here, and not here, at the bottom. I mean, I want, I need a purpose to awaken every day. I want to be able to really enjoy the day. I am always so friggin happy-go-lucky, but deep down, this is it. I don’t ever show anyone what I am really feeling, that I really am vulnerable. Well, here’s my attempt at humility… HELP, someone, please. I have NEVER asked before. In fact, I am a giver. I have given myself up and given up on myself. Obviously, in my attempt at putting out good karma, I was jaded by my own benevolence and chose the wrong recipients. None of them can help me now, and if they could, I wouldn’t ask. "I am too proud, and I hate crying. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want anyone to think of me as anything other than what I portray to them. I am always smiling. I justify that with having been through so much. If I don’t smile, I’ll let it get to me." Well, it’s gotten to me, and I am toting it, but I fear it will load me down until I fall and cannot get up anymore. "Aww, Brandi, it’s not that bad." Yes, it is. I cannot even pick my kid up from school today, because we would not make it back home. This will be the first year she has not played softball since she was old enough to start. I haven’t had the heart to tell her yet. I haven’t even received a paycheck from this stupid exhibitor job yet, because of some BS. And, yeah, I’ve sent resumes to things I’m not even qualified for, to things I am over-qualified for, and things that I should be perfect for. I have catered cover letters to every employer’s needs and interests. I have even practically begged for a job, a chance in many of them. I don’t care if I seem desperate to them anymore. I thought maybe that was a step in the right direction of my learning humility. As excited as I get when the phone rings in hopes of scheduling an interview, I cringe at the same time. Will I even be able to make it there? I just don’t have the gas in the truck. I guess I could go get food stamps or some kind of public aid, but that’s not how I was raised. "Every dollar spent is a dollar earned!" Plus, I might make it to the DFACS office, but I wouldn’t make it home. So, what do ya do when you hit rock bottom and you realize it’s not the furthest you can slide down? I mean, I’ve even looked into joining the Navy…got real excited about it actually. I was outta the weight range, and the weight’s shedding. It just isn’t happening fast enough. Where do I go so I can stop scraping my face and clawing my hands up on these here rocks at the bottom?

I am an insomniac by genetics. I can think of much worse to be dealt by the chromosome genie (<---I find that word play a wee bit amusing). Would you like to know more about me? How about I do the female thing and just fill ya in? I do a lot of stuff, hence I'm a gopher. I'm from the maternity ward at Phoebe Putney Memorial Hospital, contrary to popular belief that I am from the mental ward. That's in Albany, GA. I'm 29, and I don't plan on making it to 30. In fact, I don't plan on much of anything. I set myself up for disappointment enough as it is... As for fun? Is that foreign? Maybe I meant fur...I shave for fur... I write, a little. I type, a little more. I LOVE the water (don't tell anyone the word LOVE is in my vocabulary). There's a trail by the dam here that I walk on pretty days. I enjoy being outside period, and I know I'm crazy (just got the paperwork back)...but summer's my favorite time of year. The gnats can't get to ya if you're under water or riding faster than they fly in the boat. Fishing, well I enjoy it enough to have a license, but I don't catch much other than a buzz. My daughter, on the other hand, could drop an empty hook in the water and come out with an 8 lb striped bass. I'm pretty much up for any concert. On that note, I'm pretty much down with any music. Double entendre? Me? Never... A dichotomy of ambiguosity (<--so what, it's not a word)? Yeah, I've been called worse... Funny? Oh, no thanks, I'm not gay. Just real picky. I AM a female, I mean, hellllooo. And, dear monsieur or fraulein, it's my pleasure to have made you laugh. I mean, if you're into that kinda thing. As for me, well, I just go with the flow. Making others grin really does do something to me on the inside...now, whether that something is good or bad, well, my internist calls me his personal little case study. And, if you plan on moving up the ladder at McDonald's, that makes me SO glad to be a female. Even if it DOES take affirmative action to help me out, I'll beat you and be looking down on you as you "claw" your way into the executive suite at Turner Field. Unless, of course, you just wanna be my date... We could probably find you a seat. Oh no! I'm about to miss my MARTA. I'll finish this chapter later... And, if you stopped reading at daughter, well, I did, too, when I proofread this...I forgot about her momentarily...she's probably already on the MARTA - she's pretty, and I taught her all she knows about the panhandle (no, not Florida). We compete with one another doing spit shines on the side. The money makes a decent bra stuffer. She'll be eleven in April, and she says she wants me to find my own pimp for her present. She's sick of me claiming hers just because everything of hers is mine until she turns eighteen, or seventeen in the state of Georgia. OOOOOHHHH, I almost forgot, I'm a little left, a little right, and a whole lotta not alright. *Disclaimer...yes, for legal purposes, I hope you know that I am totally kidding about my kiddo being pimped out, etc. Her daddy died when she was 8 months old, and it is nothing more than a sweet reminiscence now. I have a HUGE family, and they step up whenever asked. We live on the light side of life, well, because if we sat on the other side with everybody else, this wouldn't be a see-saw. And, I know if you are even still reading, you have had a plethora of thoughts about me thus far. What have I gotten myself into you may be wondering. This one's a real sick puppy...well, if you can't see the humor in the sick reality that many are forced to face daily, then it is a sad existence for you, I dare say. Without laughter, I wouldn't have made it thus far. I have lived more than many twice my age. All I have to say about that is the rotten fruit in life makes the juicy, ripe fruit so VERY sweet! So, seriously, I'm just a femme who's been there, done that, and will one day write a book to dispel the myths and divulge the dissenters. Now that I've bored you to tears, do not fear. I will not ask you to briefly autobiographically sketch yourself; for, this is not a mere scratch on the surface of what is ME. And, I am far from this formal in speech and etiquette continuously... But, it shall give you an idea of what I am capable of, and that's all you need to know... This was inspired by a friend asking questions as to my person and who I am from about 180 miles away. Reckon I scared him off?

I would like to add that we cannot control everything our kids are gonna be forced to deal with, emotionally and physically. Let's face it...we are raising them to live in the REAL world...and in the REAL world, folks don't always make the right decisions, and folks actually get hurt. The hurt prepares us for bigger things. Just a thought - from someone who was not sheltered, then sheltered, then not sheltered, then VERY sheltered. I needed the tools to face those obstacles as a teen that were never appropriated to me. And, as a parent of a preteen, I try vehemently to ensure my child has what it takes... That's all. I'm out...

My thoughts are that we are told from the time we are tiny in all venues constantly that we are special and handsome in our own ways until we become numb to the fact. And, as we mature, and are subjected to the REAL world a cynicism is created in many of us that breeds devaluation of self. Atop it all, many of us will never live up to the physical image purported as sexy everywhere we look. It seems to me you are having a moment of epiphany, and you should revel in your newfound strength of purpose or confidence in your physical magnetism.