Happily In Love's blog: "more thoughts"

When things start going great and it seems like things are finally going to go my way something happens to fuck it up. I dont understand why. I have been doing all I could to make everyone around me happy, trying to make my lovelife work but it seems like every time I turn around something happens and makes that even harder. I have been tryin to stay happy but for some reason depression has been settling in. so if Im quiet and not very open to you guys its not you, Ive just got a lot going on and its hard for me to sort it all out in my head right now. Just let me be and then maybe in time I will open up to you and talk to you bout whats going on in mind and my life.

at one point we lovers, and so totally into each other. and then something happened that changed all that. now we are talking again, trying to make a friendship work but its hard seeing as our feelings are still there. it makes me wonder if we are better as lovers or friends. when we were together everything was so totally amazing. the way things felt were great. and now that we are talking again and feelings have been shown there is a lil of that amazing feeling back. but at the same time theres a lil voice in the back of my mind tellin me to be careful and to not let myself fully fall for you again. as the hurt i handled last time is a hurt im not sure as i can handle again. i never really let you see the way it hurt when you turned away, even became friends with her but it still hurt. to this day thinking about it hurts but i dont regret it cuz what we had was great. and the feelings we had together is something that nobody could ever regret. now that we are trying to be friends i dont know as if that is possible. are we meant to be lovers or friends?

when we first got together almost a year ago i believed everything you told me and trusted you without questioning you in the smallest way. i thought that maybe things would finally work and be what i had always dreamed of having. sure there were things that i didnt care too much for but i let them go cuz all i wanted was to be with you. every minute we were together seemed like the rest of the world had stopped and we were all that mattered. than just out of the blue with no warning you disappeared, leaving me to wonder what i had done wrong for you to just walk away like that. i blamed myself for months. than i realized i didnt do anything wrong and you just had issues that you hadnt resolved even though you had told me you did. now here we are both with feelings but the one thing thats missing is that trust. i know i should let the past be the past and try again but im scared to death of getting hurt again. of letting myself fall and have you just disappear like you did before. and honestly i dont know as i could handle that again. especially from you seein i went through it once already. i dont want you to give up on me or us but at the same time i cant ask you to stay single til the trust is rebuilt cuz i have no clue how long that may take and its just not fair to you. so all i can do is say im tryin to find a way to fully trust you again. from there its up to you what happens...

so much time has passed since we gave up on what we had. when you turned away i really thought that would be the end of us, the end of any feelings that may have existed. but then out of nowhere you get ahold of me again...and we start talking. feelings are resurfaced but there are issues and many obstacles we would have to get past if we were ever to be together again. i know how you feel and i hope after all the talks we have had you know the way i feel. i dont want to see what we had at one point just vanish as i thought it had. and i would like to see if theres anything good that could come of it but i know there are a lot of other issues there as well. you are totally amazing and definitely have a charm like no other which works everytime. i never really thought i would see the day that i asked myself if i really did still love you or if i thought we could fix things that we once had. but thats where im at. each night when we talk and i hear that joy in your voice it reminds me of all the good times we had, the fun we had. i know we really werent together that long and sure as hell didnt end well but during that time we were together things were great. we had fun and just let the rest of the world thing whatever they wanted. it didnt matter to us. we just wanted to be together and spend as much time as we could together. that was almsot a year ago and here i am wondering if things could ever end up that way again. my feelings are still there just a lil battered right now from all that has happened. after so much time is it possible to rebuild the feelings we had?