New Rule: Stop saying Barack Obama isn't black enough! First, you aren't sure America was ready for a black president. Now he's not black enough? "I like his stand on the issues, but can he dunk?" Why are we even talking about him this way? Mitt Romney, now there's someone who's not black enough to be president.
New Rule: Victoria Beckham must smile. The last person who arrived in America looking this unhappy came on a slave ship. "Hey, Spice Girl, it's not spitting rain and ten degrees out there anymore. You're in Cali, baby! Knows how to party!" Nobody? "Your husband can bend a soccer ball using the muscles in his foot. You could at least bend your lips using the muscles in your face!"
New Rule: Journalists in Iraq must stop celebrating miracle babies rescued by American soldiers. Like when U.S. troops found little Fatima lying in a pile of rubble, and instead of bashing her head in with a rock, they brought her to a hospital. Ooh, what a miracle!! U.S.A. number one! Thanks, CBS, for turning Iraq into a feel-good story for the "Baby Jessica Fell Down a Well" crowd.
And, no offense, Fatima, but the real miracle in Iraq will be if we ever manage to get out. No, please, don't - don't tire yourselves out.
New Rule: Stop wearing plastic shoes. It was only a year ago when only preschoolers and mental patients wore these. But, now grownups all over America have gone "Croc" crazy. The latest step in our unending quest to dress as casually as humanly possible. "You know, I used to wear flip-flops, but they're a little dressy." "I want clothing I can hose down." Admit it, we're a nation of slobs who won't be happy until we can go to the mall in a diaper.
New Rule: If your winner is a ventriloquist, then "America Hasn't Got Talent." Besides, if there's one thing Americans have had enough of, it's the guy who puts words in the dummy's mouth.
Oh, we kid President Bush. It's all with love.
And finally, New Rule: If you were surprised that the Chinese don't care about toy safety, then the child who needs protecting is you. Over the last couple of months, American consumers have been learning a shocking lesson about supply and demand: if you demand products that don't cost anything, people will make them out of poison, mud and shit. Now, since April, approximately 17 million toys in the United States, all of them made in China, have been recalled. Which is amazing considering that no one in the Department of Justice can recall a thing. Okay.
Now, believe me, I was devastated when Mattel recalled almost everything in my Barbie Dream Closet. Although I had suspected something when Ken discovered a lump on his testicle.
Until recently, I never even worried about being harmed by the Chinese. Unless they were in the left-hand turn lane. I kid. I love the...
But then we found out … that their dog food was deadly and that they were making toothpaste out of antifreeze, and that the Number 62A at the Szechuan Palace is Beef with Bronchitis. They're the Chinese. They don't care if your precious little Britney sucks a little lead. Because in China, their kids aren't playing with the toys. They're the ones in the factory all day making them.
Now, I know you're saying, "But, Bill, I don't have time to ponder whether these $12 jeans are the product of child labor. I just know I'm an American on a budget and our lifestyle is a blessed one. And I want to look nice while I'm standing in line for my iPhone."
But, there is something to be said for thinking about why these bargains are such bargains. Wal-Mart is the most American thing in the universe, but all it sells is crap from China. Wal-Mart wouldn't exist without the American consumers' endless thirst for the cheapest stuff China has to offer. Like $30 DVD players and Jackie Chan.Yeah, you're right, it was a great movie.
Anyway...in America, there is nothing more sacred than a bargain... And Jackie Chan. And that even includes the war. Yeah, there's too much lead in the kids' toys, but not nearly enough on the Humvees in Iraq. "Let's have a war and cut taxes; what could go wrong?" "Let's give mortgages to the homeless. Sounds like a plan." "Let's buy toys from a Communist police state. You just know they'll put in a little extra love."
Speaking of which, you know why today's modern Chinese capitalist puts lead in the paint that goes on toys? Because it makes colors brighter. You've got to love America, a country that's literally being killed by the stuff that makes objects shiny.
