For years, I’ve looked for a meditation. Either I didn’t know what it was, didn’t have the patience to practice it or the follow through to stay committed and reap, what I was beginning to feel were, the imaginary rewards. As a result, I suffered. I didn’t suffer in the sense of pain or ache, I suffered being ill at ease, disquiet, discontent.
Some years ago, a priest (and I’m not catholic) gave me a book he recommended from a Cistercian Monk (much the way Money recommended a follow up). I was interested in investigating mediation again, it was suggested of me and it was the step I was on. I take my steps (though little else) rather seriously. I committed time to this gentle, paradoxical practice and never got “it.” “It” being a joy, an excitement, a reward. What I got was that I didn’t notice when I did it. Instead, I noticed when I didn’t.
Meditation gave me a gradual, sense of balance not a sense of euphoria at all. I’m a euphoric type of guy. Before recovery, balance didn’t appeal to me and I had never had enough of anything. I wanted more, all the time and I wanted it yesterday (patience is still not one of my strong points). This, “do a little now and notice a little later” thing was very foreign.
Starting a few months ago, my life environment (rather than me) began to change. My mother’s health began to rapidly fail, a move was in order, an expected and much needed vacation plan fell through, and family contact and thus friction (at least in my family) were on the rise. All this causes a lot of pain. You recall I said my environment changed and I didn’t? That’s what happens when I resist change, I am in pain. I am frequently reminded pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress. And, in my life, there is always room for more of both. What to do with this pain and how to cope was a question.
Over two and half years ago, I gave up smoking. I loved smoking. I still do. I just don’t smoke anymore. Call it a conviction. I gave it up not because I didn’t enjoy it but because I didn’t enjoy the consequences of not giving it up more (a lot is my life is like that). In the two and half years since I gave up cigarettes, I have never been repulsed by smoking. Instead, it remains beautiful and alluring. Fuck the cough, the smell, the stains and the shortness of breath. Totally worth it (I never claimed to be wise). If you haven’t smoked, you may not understand. Insane, I know.
[Trust me, I haven’t forgotten this started about mediation. I will end up there]
Having, said that, I didn’t obsess about smoking either. Didn’t think much about it… until a few months ago. Coming to grips with the fact that my mom is dying is difficult for me. And, one day, on the way home from visiting my mother, I felt the urge to smoke. Desperately. I did something I don’t normally do…I didn’t act on it. Instead, I made a phone call, and talked about my pain and didn’t smoke, for if I do, I’m back to a pack a day. This I know. What did cross my mind was a cigar. Years ago, I would, on occasion, enjoy a cigar. I stopped. I don’t know why I did. I just did.
It had been about a decade since I had made a point to smoke a cigar. I wondered if a cigar might quell the urge and not upset my conviction. I bought one and revived a forgotten pleasure. Cigar smoking is ceremonial; heating the foot, clipping the head, gently taking the first draw and patiently enjoying the rest of the tobacco's smoky fruit. It teaches me patience (so do long lines in supermarkets. Funny. I pray for patience, God gives me a line to stand in). Indeed, it did quell the urge but did not disturb my conviction. More than that, it did something totally unexpected, it not only relieved anxiety, it also acted as a gentle, soothing, balm on my emotional upset. It quieted my head and relaxed my dis-ease. It restored a sense of balance.
The other day, I ran into a friend in the smoke shop. He was picking up cigars for after his softball game. I said I could do without the game. He agreed. He said his favorite part were the cigars after the game. “It’s a mediation,” he smiled. And that’s when I knew…cigars are MY meditation.
