Brian's blog: "Me and my veiws"

Going back to my original profile http://www.fubar.com/user/505724

I am deleting this profile and going back to my original one as Onyx

I'm moving to Ga tonight yet my son must remain here in Va with his mother. It saddens me to have to be away from him but this state holds many bad memories and has nothing to offer me in the way of progression. I've been wrapping my mind around the hard truth of being away from him.

I will not be on much this weekend as I will be moving to GA.

Love is complicated... Why are so many people afraid to just let go? To live? To love? Love is not as complicated as we would like to make it. Is it that hard to trust anyone in this cynical world? It frustrates me that decent people have to suffer due the stupidity of a select few. No one's perfect..including myself. However, I know of my mistakes. I allow them to eat away at me daily like a cancer. I judge myself for these mistakes far worse than anyone else ever could dream. I examine every move I have made in my life ritually. It teaches me where I have come from. It helps me see more clearly where I want to be. I've gone through a very bad bit of depression over the last 4 months. Almost daily thoughts of suicide ran through my head. I still have depression. Now, however, I realize that the person causing me this pain wasn't her. It was myself. I was trying desperately to grasp at things that were not there. Trying to control what was out of my hands. I also realized that the one person I gave my life to metaphorically, did not deserve it physically. To do the things that were done... she was never fully present to begin with. Now, as I try to put the peices of my shattered heart back together, I have fear. I have fear of never finding that strong bond that I had felt at one time briefly. Fearful that if I do ...I would be betraying the past. Betraying prescious memories. Betraying myself. I'm a good man who is very giving and loving. I am very unselfish, very romantic, very emotional. Those who know me personally know this. Why is happiness so hard for some people to grasp? Or to hold on to? I believe that when you say you love someone...you should be fully prepared to say it to that person for the rest of your life. See, many people can say it when things are good. It's when times are tough that they falter. I see these people as weak. My love is forever. I don't start a commitment only to have it end. I don't believe in wasting my time! I don't believe in putting so much effort into making someone happy and building a relationship only to have it all turn to dust. Then there's the total opposite mentality that some have. They actually stick around through the rough times and dip when things are at their best. What the fuck is that about? It only verifies that they were just biding their time until something better came along. WEAK!! How can people swear undying love one month then tell you they hate you the next? What kind of pieces of shit are in this world? It truly scares me.I can't help but wonder " ok...if this person loved me and did this to me....." Does this make sense to anyone? Fucking hell....Is it too fucking much to ask for to be loved for exactly who you are? To be fucking loved unconditionally forever? I WANT to be able to awaken next to the same beautiful face every morning. I don't enjoy searching for someone new who'll most likely do the same shit. I'm tired of feeling like I have to resell myself just when the last one finally understood me. What the fuck is the purpose to all of it. It makes no fucking sense. I don't give up hope however. But I also realize the only person I can hope in is...myself. Love is not complicated. Stupidity is.

Not many people can fully grasp the meaning behind that phrase. As simplistic as it is. If you have interest in someone or even claim to be in love with someone, it should show. I do not merely mean from time to time. No, it should be obvious in everything you do. Many people like to throw the "L-word" out, but there actions do not back up their claims. They may not even use the word love, but express great feelings of emotion and attraction instead. Despite what it may be, it is still emotions. Emotions are fine when they are your own. However, when your emotions become intertwined with another's, it takes on a different meaning and transcends to a different level. There is more than just one party involved at this point. So many times here, I get messaged or approached with compliments or someone taking an interest. I do appreciate that very much so. However, when that is the only message or contact you have with me, I have to then chalk it up to a brief encounter. Why is that? We're all adults here. I am not unapproachable. Life is too short people. Life is one big brief encounter anyway. Why add more smaller ones. You may just find that there is more depth to me than you originally thought. SO many peopple here are afraid of interaction. I suppose that is why they prefer it through a computer monitor. However, it should also make communication easier. It's a double-edged sword really. I do realize that a lot of people here are losers or perverts or sycophants. However, if you do not talk to someone...... how will yo ever know who is or who isn't. Sometimes it is as simplistic as merely reading their profile or other things they have written. Even looking at there friends profiles to see what they have written there. Do a little bit of homework people. The internet makes it so easy to be lazy as it is. Not everyone here is fake or puts on false heirs. There are many fakes here also. I have viewed so many profiles where people have two different pictures of themselves which are of two different people all together. The sad thing is, they claim both are one and the same and that both are them. What sickens me is guys are so desperately horny that they do not even see this and comment on both as if they actually were the same person. Now I do not know about you but, if I see a pic of a girl with a round nose and chin line...then another with a narrow nose and squared chin and also different eyes, I'm going to know it is not the same person. It must be the artist in me. Or the fact that I am into computer graphics. I don't know. However, I can tell a fake profile and pics very easily. Yes, I am well aware that I have many on my own friend's list. Another prime example is these nsfw pics women have. Guys, come on, here's a clue...if they all look professional and none of them show the face...........they are probably fake. Breasts can only change so much. IF the breasts look one color and shape in one pic and another in a different pic........get a clue. If a woman has pale complexion with no freckles in one pic and tanned or freckled in another and still not showing her face................well...you get the idea. Ignorance is bliss I suppose. Some of us have nothing to hide or to lose. I really think that is one of my draw-backs actually. I think I am TOO real for most. When you are used to certain conditions or used to be treated a certain way by people, you come to expect it. Often times when it is not prevailent, you inadvertantly create it. It's the same concept as Eden. Eden would not be acceptable today. Utopia would drive humanity insane. We would all be sitting around waiting for the negative side to occur. Questioning everything. Actually creating drama to take us to a place that we are used to. I'm a very simple person. I try not to complicate things any more than they are. I usually look for the most simplest and basic of answers or reasons. This not does not mean that I am un-intelligent. It also does not mean that I do not know all of the hidden factors of a situation. I just do not choose to dwell on those lttle tangents. It means that I weigh out the situation and combine all the factors into one simple theory. So many people try to change the past or get back with an old flame. It is the past for a reason people. You can not go back and change the past. If it were possible to fix past mistakes...then you would not have wanted to go back and change it to begin with and therefore never would have... Bottom line.....everything happens for a reason. Life is about progression. Moving forward. When I encounter people who live like this I think of it as weakness or cowardness. A fear of what may come. A fear of tomorrow. So easily accepting the mundanity of their existance. Never questing for more. They remain in the safe harbor of familiarity. Afraid to step outside their own world and see what may be. Which goe sback to those two infamous words that drive us in this cynical world............WHAT IF? I suppose what I am trying to say here is...if you want to talk to me or know me..........do it! Do not claim to be interested in me on any level and barely speak to me beond initial contact. Actions speak louder than words.

In any relationship, whether it is a romantic one or just a friendship I try to put as much effort as I can to talk to everyone and show interest. I really hate it when I feel like I am the only one making an effort to be a friend or even a partner. It makes no sense to me. It's so easy and takes so little time to just let someone know that you care and are there for them. All of you who know me well and many of you have known me for years, know that I try my hardest to show and treat everyone as I would want to be treated. I do not discriminate as to who I talk to and who I do not. Many of you know that , even if I am busy, I will still take the time to respond to you whether it is here or on messenger. Maybe I am a bit old-fashioned as I believe in being courteous to others. I believe in only speaking truthfully in matters of the heart and emotions. I never tell someone I like them or care for them if I do not mean it. My life has enough regrets without adding to them by deceiving someone. I've been hurt and used so many times. I do not wish it on anyone else. I think that when it comes to the heart and matters of love... it's an area has no room for games. Do you know that you can accidentally poke a friend with a needle and they will forget about it. Even though it hurts like hell? However, if you hurt their heart, they carry that pain with them for the rest of their lives. It effects their entire nature. Their entire being. They begin to question who they are and if the decisions they make are right or justified. The will always ask themselves if they were foolish to ever allow you the opportunity to have access to that heart to begin with. I have made it a rule to never lie about my feelings to anyone. No matter if it is or is not what they want to hear. I have to be true to myself...to my own heart. If I have love for someone. I am not ashamed to admit it. If I do not.... I would never tell them I do. When i tell someone I love them, it means to me that I love everything I know about them up to that moment. It also means that I wish to continue to discover so much more about them for the rest of my life. It means that I can envision telling that one person I love them for the rest of my life. Love should be unconditional. I have read, seen, and heard so many people claim they are" looking for the love of a lifetime". Yet when it is presented to them they run from it or do not even attempt to allow it a chance to blossom. This tells me that their "love of a lifetime" comes with conditions. Sure they may be looking for the Mr or Mrs Right, but they want it to be so perfect that it is almost text book. Society has implanted this false conception that love comes from looks or from money. That's not love. That is infatuation. SO many people try to plan love or "think to much" when it comes to love. That also is not true love. Love comes from the heart and the heart alone. The brain only ruins it. So what is love exactly? It has many different meanings to everyone. For me it is doing everything in my power to make the person I love happy everyday for the rest of their lives. My love is unselfish. My love is devoting all my energy to the survival and happiness of the relationship I am in. I give 100%. Unfortunately, in my past relationships, I was the only one to give. For so long I thought that this was how it should be. After all, I was the man right? I realize now how wrong that concept was. Love is not one person giving all. Love is not both parties giving 50%. Love is both parties giving 100%. Love is picking the other up when they fall not kicking them while they are down. It's like everyone is scared now to even try to get know anyone. Why? Why not take a small step towards happiness? I'd rather take a chance to see what could be...then go my whole life wondering what could have been or what if. What if I had only talked to that person? What if I had only met them? What if I had given them a chance? You never know. You may just be turning your back on the greatest relationship you could ever know. What would you do if, in the end, you were actually shown what your life could have been or should have been had you only taken a chance on someone? What would you do if you found out that the one you did not take a chance on, actually turned out in that reality to be the greatest love of your life? I am reminded of the movie, "Family Man," with Nicholas Cage. I cry every time I watch that movie. The one scene where he is looking at the baby in the crib who should have been his tears me up. Yes, I am a very emotional person. Especially with babies and children. Of course many of you have known that for years. Anyway, the point is, the movie really demonstrates what I am trying to convey here. What if? Why live life in limbo when heaven could be but a phone call away. Thanks for your time. Love you all, Brian

Ok... bare with me today as I feel like laying my thoughts out. What is unconditional love? So many of us think we know what it is. So many of us claim to be seeking it. Do we really understand it? I think I have a good grasp on it. I may not be the world's leading expert. Heh..I suppose if I were I wouldn't be single right? In my opinion, unconditional love or.. . "true love" is not defined by any material possessions. True love doe snot have stipulations or requirements. There's no application to be filled out. True love is an uncontrollable longing all day to see or talk to the person you care for. It's feeling sad in the event that you do not get that opportunity. It's when you find yourself staring at the person you care for with out any given cause. True love does not require change or sacrifice. It is all encompassing. It's patient. It's accepting of every flaw, every insecurity, and yes...every issue. For true love does not discriminate against issues. So often I talk to people who think that love means you have to deal with a person's issues and carry their "baggage". This is not entirely correct. With myself... I carry the person I love. Their baggage is there yes but, it is their own to address. I am here to assist if needed. I don't love the baggage. I love the carrier. Because each and everyone of us has to carry or own baggage. Our own load. However, in love, it is our job to support, to believe, to catch our significant other in the event that they may fall. I do believe that when you love someone you have to accept that the person in question is not perfect. They have a past. They have a life that took place before you entered it. Should it be a constant presence at this time? No. However, the past does remind us of where we have been, where we are, and more importantly...where we wish to be. I guess what I am trying to say is that if someone loves you then they will love everything about you. They will not be hindered or swayed by the past or baggage. True love is falling asleep staring into your partner's eyes and awakening holding each other. True love is when how you feel for someone radiates to everyone around you. They see what you see. They feel what you feel.There are no "buts" in true love. It frustrates me that so many claim to seek it but when it is right in front of them.. they are blinded to it. It makes me wonder what their basis for analysis is on the theory. It doesn't come from the brain. It doesn't come from over- exagerated movies. It comes from the heart. Love is a feeling, an emotion. It's not a choice that derives from the mind. Too many people overthink it. Too many people refuse to allow themselves to just feel. No one knows tomorrow and yesterday is gone. Too many people are scared to open themselves and allow themselves to just feel. They are too concerned with the "what if's". From my experiences and through much heartache, I have learned that you can never control the "what if's". I believe with love and a very strong level of communication..anything is achievable. There are no... "what if's". There are "whatever's" and when whatever comes...two people strong and unified in love can face it and overcome it much better than one. This will be continued. Brian

You all know my name by now. I am 34 yrs old. I raised my 11 yr old son from the age of 2 to very recently. Due to a bad break-up I went through which altered my living arrangements he stays with his mother. She and I are very good friends. If you read my blog entitled " My life" you know much of this already. I am looking for "The One". Am I looking on here? Not entirely but I am not closed off to the fact that it is possible. I am a hopeless romantic, very passionate, very giving, and kind to all unless provoked. I do believe in true love and seem to have a good bit of knowledge on it. Not because I have truly had it but because of what I have not had. So many claim to have had true love before. Here's a clue..if it was true love...you would STILL have it. I love fantasy. I am a fan of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. I collect Star Wars and Dragons and even certain Super-heo merchandise. No, I am not a nerd. My close friends claim that I am just a big kid and due to years of abuse am trying to reclaim a sense of youthfulness I never had as a child. Let's face it...reality sucks sometimes! I am an excellent Father and anyone who knows me will tell you the same. My son and I have a bound that goes beyond father and son. We are best friends. If I do something that he feels is inappropriate....he tells me. We even talk about relationships. Everyone who knows him says he is the "coolest " kid they have ever met. Dos he try to act older than he is? NO. I believe in letting him be him. He knows when he goes too far. I do not spank my kid. This does not say that he walks all over me. He knows I mean business. My son is very respectful and well-mannered. He is also VERY intelligent and has more common-sense than even I realize at times. Everyone who knows me are in awe of the bond he and I share. I am blue-collar and have worked hard all my life. However, I consider myself very intelligent. I have been manager or supervisor at every job I have ever had and achieved these positions very rapidly. I can communicate with well with multi-millionaires as well as poor bums and have so many times. I am an artist and have plans to return to school soon for comp graphics and web-design. I also have ambitions of opening my own business soon. I do wish for another child one day. I love children and babies. I get emotional when out and I see a family or a small baby. I always stop to view. I miss the smell of a baby. I miss the sounds of them and even their tiny foot-steps. I am a very emotional man. I cry at movies. Movies one would not expect to be emotional. ELF was one of those as well as Free Willy. The Notebook Killed me. LOL. I am 5'11". I weigh approximately 170. I used to weigh more but went through the "heartbreak diet". I do not recommend it to anyone. I am not a "big" guy. I am more tall and lean. I have been told that I have the "rock star" body. Whatever that means. I am very sensual and very giving intimately. My partner comes first. ( No pun intended) I love to write and I love helping others. I do have have a positive out-look on life despite what many may think. It's certain types of people that disgust me and their cruel actions. If you have any further questions please contact me. Much love, Brian

I promised to tell you about my life. Well, here goes. When I was 5 months old and my older half-brother was two, my dad beat him badly. HE became furious when my brother pooped in the tub and began playing with it. The Louisiana department of wel-fare was called. My brother was black and blue and had cigsrette burns on his back. We were then given to my grand-parents to raise. My grandmother and my Aunt have told me that when they got me I looked like one of those Ethiopian children. They said my stomach was swollen from malnurishment. My Aunt said that I drank 6 four once bottles and then slept for a whole day. It was not until I was four or five that my parents were able to see me again every other weekend. I was always scared of them. Especially my dad. To me, my grandparents were my parents.I hated going there. Things were great. Until I was 8. My grandparents had gotten into an argument about us. Someone called the wel-fare again. I remember being called to the office at school and having to talk to alot of people. My parents had driven in my head the idea that things with them would be so great. We would move to Florida and live by the beach and I could go swimming anytime I wanted to. Which to me was something grand. The welfare people sat me down at my school and asked me what I wanted to do..live with my parents or my grandparents. They told me they had already spoken to my brother Patrick. I asked them what he had said. They told me that he had said he would do whatever I chose to do. At 8 yrs old I was left with a life-altering decision. With thoughts of the beach and things being great, I chose my parents. It soon proved to be the wrong choice. I still blame myself for that choice. For changing no tonly my life negatiely but my brother's as well.The abuse began immediately. The moment we arrived in Florida I was beaten badly with a stick. A fe wmonths later I received the worst beating of my life. My dad punched me and threw me against furniture and walls. I blacked out. I was out of school for two weeks. Not once seeing a Dr. I had marks all over my body. I was told to tell everyone I fell. Yeah...classic. This continued constantly. My dad was insanely strict. We could only have one hand above the table while eating, had to always answer sir or ma'am. If not, something was thrown at us. I recieved the worst of the abuse. Even now my brothers and I still do not know why. We assume because he is not my real dad. We have good reason to believe that one of my uncles is my real dad. This abuse continued into adolescence. I had a job at a nearby seafood restaurant as a cook at 15. My dad would take my paychecks the moment I walked in from work. Luckily my boss knew all of this and would give me 20 dollars cash before even writing my check.I remember my dad coming to my job and calling me outside on several occasions. Once outside he would grab me and push me against the wall threatening me. I had no life. I did nothing and went no where. At 17 I had had enough. I ran away. After work one night my boss brought me to my brothers. The next day my mother called asking my brother where I was. My brother told them I was there and staying and if they did not like it we would go to court. I stayed with my brother for a month before moving back to Louisianna to live again with my grandparents. In a few months I would meet my first love, Penny. We were together for two years until she cheated on me with my best friends. She had gotten drunk one night while I was at work and slept with both of them. Choosing to remain with one of them. This hurt me badly and sent me into my first real depression. Then I met Cody's mother, Shelia. I really thought things were looking up. After a yer she became pregnant.We married during the pregnancy. Cody was my godsend. He was my reason for suffering so much. It would prove short lived however. When my younger brother returned from Germany, he and she had an affair. She then left me for him. taking Cody with her. She tried to have Cody calling him daddy. Cody was 2 at the time. My parents were actually rooting for the two of hem to be together. Giving them their blessing. This hurt so very badly as I had tried to forgive my parents of all they had done. Well, Shelia could not prove herself faithful to even my brother and it was this time that I decided to get custody of my son only months after she left me. She signed him over without a fight. I was involved with a woman shortly thereafter. She and I were together for five years until she left me one day for a family friend. It devastated both Cody and myself. A year later I met my second wife, Crystal, who was already two months pregnant. The father had kicked her out and wanted nothing to do with her or the baby. I took her and the baby as my own. I gave the baby my name. I married her and was on top of the world. I saw the baby as my second chance. I loved the baby as my own and to her I was daddy. I cut her cor dand named her myself...Raven Aurora. We were so very close. Everyone admired it. I have posted pictures of her. BTW...none of my significant others ever worked. It was all me. Well, I had decided to go into the Army to better my family. In basic I became injured. Breaking both knees, ankles, and my heel bone. I then called my wife to tell her about it. Little did I know sh ehad began talking to and fell in love with a man over the internet. She wanted to be taken care of. She actually told me while I was in the hospital that it was over and she wanted a divorce because I was being discharged. When I go tout.things went downhill. I tried desperately to save the marriage. SHe had already made up her mind and soon left to live in Arizona with her real dad, leaving Cody and I stranded in Tennessee, knowing no one and with no car. I have not seen either in two years. I had no choice. I then moved back to Florida. Cody's mother and her husband were kind enough to take us in and help us. I then met Jennifer over the internet. Things went bad after two months of us being together physically. I overheard a conversation between her and her ex. I had been friends with another girl online at this time for about a year, Kristen. Only friends. We fell in love and decided to get together. Cody and I moved here with his mom and family. Not knowing that Jennifer was pregnant with twins when I left. She miscarried after only being pregnant a few weeks. We then decided to be there for each other as friends no matter what. Kristen then moved here and we lived together for about 6 months before she went into the Army and fell in love with another man there. I was devastated. I then moved in as a roomate with Jennifer since we had been friends all this time. ONLY friends.SHe turned around and bailed with bill and grocery money for some guy she met online. I struggled for about two months as many can recall on the verge of being homeless as I had been laid off my job at the time. I then found a new job (the one I am at now) and got my own place and am doing well. I have been single for over a year and have used that time to reflect and truly know myself and what I want out of life. Many here think I am a player of sorts as I talk to many women. First of all I will strongly defend this claim as I dispise players. I have not had sex in over 5 months and have NEVER met anyone off of this site. Yes, I do talk to alot of women as friends. Why... because guys are dumb-asses and dis-resespectful perverts. Who are closed - minded and most can not carry a conversation beyond...."Uhh....hey sexy...wanna fuck?" You laugh but you are the ones drooling over these idiots and making them your "CT hubbies". Yes, I flirt..and yes I tease. No harm in that...as I said..until someone actually stands at my front door....it is nothing but harmless fun. This being said, I am single and I am looking for "The one". Does that mean I am looking here? NO. However, I am not closed-minded to possibilities.There is a great deal that I have not mentioned here as i would prefer to talk about in private. Like sexual abuse I endured and much more. I just wanted to give you the basics of my life.