After's blog: "Matrix"

There is reason, there is rhyme. There's a place and a time. We're not alone, not by far. The only limits that we face are those we put in place. There's room for what you seek so please do not be meek. Your thoughts shape the world. Watch as it unfurls.

From the lab to the vial to the syringe to my vein to my brain. The key that sets me free again. Opens the door, reveals the world. What do I see? I don't know but sometimes I do. What does it matter though when no one believes. Why is it important that I know? What can I do. How can I stop it. How can I save us. I can't be the only hope for I am hopeless. Do I teach? Do I train? Or do I just surrender? Is this burden of knowledge just my own personal torture? Only if I care. Do I care? I care about something. I'm not sure what exactly. Don't touch me. You might feel it to. You might make me hope. Make me love. You might think this is me but you don't know me. You won't and probably can't. Face yourself first and then look at me.

I don't know what you see in me. I don't know that you see me. I don't know where you're from. I don't know where you've been. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. I don't know why you're looking at me. I don't know that I matter. I don't know that you matter. I don't know.

"The "energy" field emanates from the Galactic Center and includes the entire internal electromagnetic/internal photon field in which our planet exists. There are internal dimensions of subtlety within this field -the telluric or astral realms- extending beyond the physical forces of science to include spiritual planes of being. If we imagine this field as being similar to the lines of internal force surrounding a magnet, we can understand that our changing orientation to this field has internal immediate consequences, and little to do with cause-and-effect transmission of energy between us and the Galactic center. We are, instead in a relationship of internal resonance with our source, one that connects us deeply within to each other. and, in fact, to all other beings in this galaxy. Based upon these considerations, I would like to emphasize that the Galactic equator-precise edge of our spiraling galaxy-is the internal Zero Point location of the turn about moment in the cycle of internal precession. This World Age shift occurs when the solstice internal sun crosses over the galactic equator, and thus the Galactic Alignment in 2012 is about a field-effect energy reversal." By:Willard Van De Bogart

The first steps of a journey are often the most difficult. Once momentum picks up though your legs kinda go on auto-pilot and carry you along without thought. I think on the destination but the journey itself is the destination. The first steps have been taken but I still have to consciously take each step. Its hard not to look over my shoulder but that only makes me lose my way. Onward, onward.

Here I am. On the brink. The brink of success. The brink of failure. I have to be careful. I have to be considerate. I am responsible to more than myself. My choice. I won't define my cause. I don't know if I can. As difficult as I may make it, I still seek love and happiness though they not be my goal. I work to prepare myself for the day. The day After.

How do I lead without following? Create something from nothing? I struggle to break free of the shell of this existence. But what is on the other side? Is there another side? How can you make me believe? I don't believe. I don't know. Reality is a maelstrom of indifference. A mirror with no surface. Tell me. Tell me.

Discussions of philisophical observations and opinions on basic human life and interactions on a global, cultural and personal level are for the most part meaningless. Atleast from my perspective. The great majority of human endeavor in this world is to find pleasure and avoid pain. Throughtout recorded history and beyond, humans have been harnessed to the plow by more intelligent, ambitious and manipulative individuals using that very principle most successfully employed as religion. With religion you don't even have to count on the motivation of actual pleasure or pain in this life but can convince the majority that the rewards and punishments come in the "afterlife". What genius that was. Humans can be made to withstand nearly any hardship so long as you convince them that as long as they do what they're told, (the right thing), as the good whichever book says, they will be wonderfully blessed...after they're dead. Brilliant!

Empathic whirlwind, scattered emotions feeding upon each other. Changing, merging, growing stronger. Confusion, uncertainty. Absolution sought. Condemnation gained. Weariness, regret for things unknown. Time slows and slows and slows. What was gained is lost. I must sleep before time stops completely. Ambivalent silence feeds my soul with despair. Seeds of decayed embryos planted in the sun scorched dust of my whithered heart sprout forth in hideous mockery of life blooming into sickly shadows that stretch across to block the light. Darkness rises.

A new day. Another foray into the unknown. As is every second. I am at such a loss as to what to do about anything. Almost in a state of mental paralysis. I'll be gone so soon. Don't know how long. Its part of the plan though. But not mine. Will you be there for me? No. I am alone. You tread upon the surface but no one wants in. No one to listen, to touch, to share. Keep searching, keep searching. In vain? Who knows? The clock is ever ticking. But my time is not running out. I have no time. I am eternal. More depressing still. But only for the moment. Things will change, for better and for worse. We are so easily dissatisfied with what we have. We always want more or something else but when we seek it we usually end up with something we didn't want or expect. Then we wish for what we had. If there were Gods watching from above I could certainly imagine them laughing their celestial asses off. But there aren't. Others maybe. I hope someone is laughing atleast. It would be a shame for all of this comedy to go to waste. Is laughter just a relief that it's not happening to us?