I'm a part-time philantropist and a full time alchemist. I frequently masticate and do my part to disestablish establishments. I eat dirt just to filter the gold flakes through my new set of Thompson's Teeth. Sometimes I make Play-Doh hats. I get my real pleasures from squishing things. I read a book one time. I used to cheat in English class by copying from the spanish kids. I lost all 3 of my legs in Vietnam. I hit 5 homeruns in the world series of poker. I'm a 7-foot tall midget who is fluent in Russianese. I wear chaps all day long. I make sure my T-shirts are 3 sizes too small. Pink is my favorite color. I shot the Easter bunny. White guys pick on me for being too white. The southerners call me "Corn Bread". The northerners call me Snowflake. I love me some me. I'll tell my dad on you. am i there yet? I do Hate walks so the peace walkers have something to do. Fred Phelps is a pussy. I was Nelson Mandella's cell-mate. She thinks my tractor's sexy. i weigh 9 grams. i have an identical twin living inside of my femoral artery. I once grew a 17 lb. cabbage head. I swallow watermelon seeds. i haven't showered in 26 years. i save food in my beard. I make prank phone calls to Mike Tyson. i passed the 6th grade, barely. I'm really from the year 4008. I own a tank. I peed in Micheal Moore's mailbox. Then I drank from his mailbox. I once ate 46 apples in 5 seconds. I'm the inspiration for the show "Heroes". I beat Shaq in a game of 21. I taught OJ how to write a book. I'm a jedi. I am what i am and that's all that i am, i'm popeye the sailor man. I eat pieces of cereal like you for breakfast. I'm an accomplished composer. I'm the worlds best freestyle rapper. They named a gender after me. i'm telekinetic. I'm also magnetic. My TV talks to me. i pick my nose. Silly rabbit, Trix are for me. I'm a gajillionaire. The original Duke's of Hazzard featured me. I'm a TRUE asshole. My face is suffocating me. Winning is all that matters. I'm the I in Team. i have 14 fingers and 6 toes. I can't play the piano. I was a collegiate star on 4 different levels. I'm a level 60 in Diablo. I wish I was a little bit taller. I have 6 olympic medals in Hot Dog Eating. I have discovered 8 new sweat glands. I can gleek. I grip coconuts by the husk. i can peel a banana with my nipples. Beer is a food group. i can spell Mississippi. i can't spell masachewsets. I can teach somebody who is AWOL the ABC's and have them ROTFLOL while giving them STD's and bringing them back to the USMC to fail a UA. I poke smot. I taught Prince how to play the banjo. I'm the voice of Mickey Mouse. I read Dr. Seuss's eulogy. i spank monkey's. I own a wonkavision. i save gum behind my ear. i wear glasses on the back of my head. I wear my hat backwards when the sun is behind me. i scored the first touchdown in the Swiss Football league. Europe sucks. I'm the reason Eddie Vedder has depression. I fought muhammad ali in 1998 and won. I shot a basketball off of the floor, then off of the scoredboard, then off of the moon, then back off of the floor...nothin but net. My brother can take a Yoohoo! bottlecap and do this. Michael Jackson touched me. Tom Cruise is a fag. Larry Bird used to be Larry Seagullface, but i told him he needed to make his name less specific. i wrestle killer whales. I have my PhD in sitting. I once flew a plane to santa's house. i caught the Chupacabra. I am the walrus. i actually live in yellow submarine. the Eagles suck. i frequent transvestite strip clubs. i ride a unicycle everywhere. i'm only wearing one sock. it has a hole in it. i cut all of my underwear into thong shape. i can grow a beard. My inner ear is the 8th wonder of the world. i've won the lottery 7 times, totaling $7. this chair hurts my ass. i wear a size 37 shoe. i like to jizz in that guys' popcorn. Freshly cut toe-nails smell like corn nuts. it was my hair in your food. i'm nautghy by nature. i flunked cub-scouts. i own 439 cats, i will never starve. masturbation has lost it's fun. will smith is my hero. damn it feels good to be a gangsta. I don't understand the N part of No. Cow's drink water. SKEET SKEET SKEET!!! i only use my tin can phone. I love my beeper. drugs are bad. i won't eat red meat, i prefer it to be brown. vegetarians are gray. I care if you're blue. i've never had an original thought. i take pride in being white trash. you don't want the special sauce. pickles are really alien penises. ranch dressing has semen in it. does salad give vegetarians diarrhea? they should make barbie dolls anantomically correct. this one time, at band camp...life is like a box of grenades. Stupid is as i don't. Me read card good. yoda i can talk like. mel gibson is satanic. You spin me right round baby right round. I buy stock in Gillette before i shave my chest. I used to model for abercrombie, but i got fired for being an averagehonkey. I'm really just trying to get someone to play with my ding dong. the 7th layer of hell is made of ice. i collect boogers so the poor kids can eat. i have the worlds only talking tattoo but you can't hear it because it doesn't like you. i was the only non-sterile thing in the vasectomy room. i'm born to be mild. blame genetics, not me. i shot a wangdoodle with a bow and arrow. I couldn't get it because the Snozwanger chased me away. Elephants try to steal my teeth to make giant pianos. if i hold a feather in my nose, i can fly. i'm triple jointed. i shot an apple off william tell's head, he was impressed. I pickpocket Penn and Teller. my hands are so fast you didn't even see me just flip you off. Reggie Bush has nothing on me. I attended the school of extremely hot blind girls and still never got laid. i touched a squirrels' nuts. I can bench press Rowdy Roddy Piper. i can do the worm. i'm the best crunk dancer you'll ever meet. my ears hang low, they wobble to and fro you can tie them in a knot, you can tie them in a bow, you can throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier. Are you still reading this? I strangle seahorses. i walk like a retarded crab. i live a half-bed, half bath shanty. i built a shoppy tool box in shit class. my children own me. i have a nickel stuck in my nose. i fought the law and got my ass handed to me. i'm a naihilist. i sold bill clinton his cigar. I know where Elvis is. I was the indian lost in the desert. tom hanks calls me wilson. i can give you the "o" face. i just don't give a fuck. i robbed a clown with a tonic water gun. my shit does stink. i shaved my arms with combat knife. i run a small restaurant that serves moose feet. camel toes are sexy. fish didn't stink until i started swimming. i farted in the elevator. i crossed the land bridge. I was the short lived character on the show Barney named "Jameel the Blackasaurus". I ate David Blanes head. i've lived off Ramen noodles. I'm the best mac and cheese cook. KFC...the only thing missing is "U". I styled Uncle Jesse's hair. Toes disgust me. First i was like "whoa!, then i was like "WHOA!!", then i was like whoooooooooa... right now i'm having a nervous break down. i didn't get a wedding ring, i got a leash. my mouth is bigger than my brain. i hit toadstools with golf clubs. i smear lightning bugs on my driveway to spell swear words. i also hit them with plastic bats. i'm hotter than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire. i smash minescule moles into mince meat with mallets on mondays. too many people have read this whole thing. I have the 2nd longest 'about me' section that's not self-promoting. my milkshake brings all the girls to the yard. i wear a shirt in the pool. i don't go skiing, i go skipping. jet skis are no fun if you're safe. i'm a pirate. if i were Chinese my name would be "Hung Lo". i can't believe half of this got deleted and i typed more. i'm once bitten twice shy. i've played the game "Penis". Peeing outside is more fun that peeing inside. i harvest whale blubber.