xX PuckBunni Xx's blog: "Love"

To be completely honest with you, I'm not sure I even know what love is anymore. Sure, I've felt it before, or what seemed like love at the time. But the problem with that is when you really love someone, is that feeling supposed to ever go away? I can honestly say that I no longer feel love for anyone from my past. Sure, the memories are still there, but any feelings I ever had for them are gone.

So why is this time different? Why do I have this continuous ache within me? It's like something is inside of me trying to get out, scratching and clawing, eating me alive... but I won't let it out. Why do I feel the need to hold on to this pain? Maybe it's because the alternative seems so much worse. Letting go. I've tried so many time so just let go, and in some ways I am not too proud of... but the more and more I try, the harder I fall back into the web. And now I'm stuck again. I can't even look at another man, let alone try to imagine a life with him, without seeing *his* face. The only face I will ever see when I think of true love. A face I have never touched, yet I felt him more than anyone that I have ever physically touched. A soul that was so connected to mine that it defied all logic and reasoning. Maybe I was completely out of my mind to think that someone so perfect for me existed. Maybe it was all just a fantasy. The love that was so real but was never meant to be... yet I still hold on to it. The most perfect love I have ever known and will probably ever know. There will never be another quite like that. I guess second best is all I will ever know, if I ever get to a point where I can give my heart to someone else.

Through the good times and the bad, the feeling in my heart never changed. I love you and I miss you madly. If there was ever a time I caused you pain, I am beyond sorry. I hope you find all the happiness that you deserve, even if that means it is without me.

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.

I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.

I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart.

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart."

I Love You.

Forever & Always.

I promise.

January Rain

Holding on
Never though it'd be so hard
Then your eyes, they whispered
And I came running

Beating hearts
Finding each other again
And in an instant
It's gone again

And I'll never forget
That pain in my chest
When you put to rest
Every hope and dream
And I'll never know
Why you had to go
Now there's only sorrow
Because you're gone

And I'm forever stuck in this January Rain.

Facing fears
I've never been this scared
There will never be another
That perfect for me

Waking up
Been in such denial
It should have been so clear
And now you're gone for good

And I'll never forget
That pain in my chest
When you put to rest
Every hope and dream
And now I'll never know
Why you had to go
Now there's only sorrow
Because you're gone

And I'm forever stuck in this January Rain.

The Woman Who Has Been To Hell And Back Is Not Easy To Love.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder.

Sometimes she won't hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can't risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don't, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it's only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don't ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.

Love her when it's easy, and love her harder when it's not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn't know how to love, you know how to love harder.