bangaltigertina's blog: "Love passed by.."

Last night I had a dream that when I woke up was really upsetting to me because I had to realize that it was not real and would never happen. Of course, although not a GOOD dream, in the outcome, my ex and I were working through things and back together...slowly working our way to being a couple again. How sad to wake up and find out that THAT was JUST a dream and not something that will ever happen. So, of course, my mood this morning is sad, disappointed and hurt. But things will be better once the dream subsides from my mind and heart.

Got up this morning and made myself go to church. I thought at first about staying at home but what better place to be when you are alone? Among other people and the house of the Lord. It is there and there only that I feel loved. (besides God's love) And yet, I come home to ugly messages from ex. disprespecting me. It is moments like those when I feel I'm being tested and I am NOT one to just take crap like that. I pray the Lord can help me to just let what he says and how he degrades me from now on to just slip right out of my mind. IF he is judging me then who is he anyway? He walked out and abandoned us with promises of help...which he has done VERY little. But I need not disrespect him either. So...here is to just turning the other cheek and moving on. May God watch over us all and take care of our needs. In Jesus' name, AMEN!!!

Anymore my days are extremely long, but my nights are even longer. My headaches hurt constantly and sometimes it's just too much to bare. Kids yelling and fighting. Stresses of life.....but then again.....God is beside me and thinks will get better. It's always hard when you are used to someone being there and then all of the sudden they are gone. I will overcome and I know this. Always have in the past and always will in the future. My goal is to get back on track and do the best I can for my children...man or no man (which will more than likely remain the latter) and for myself. And if I can help anyone whom has to go through these similar things, then I will do so. I'm a good friend. Well, my older two are supposed to go to their dad's tonight so will be lonesome. Guess I'll be in bed early.lol. Good evening to you all and may God bless anyone who reads these.

Well, each morning I feel a bit better. Stressed to the max. but better. However, it appears that for some reason not known to me, I lost a friendship. To that person, I am sorry for whatever the reason was and wish you all the best. You will be missed. And for the rest of MY day. Well, gotta go to an appointment and find out what kind of fate I am facing and hopefully will hear some kind of good news. I'm working on trying to release my anger and hurt feelings towards my ex. It is hard but am doing okay with that....slowly. I pray God blesses us all and keeps us in his arms and protects us. May he have mercy on us and allow each of us to have a GOOD day.

This morning, thanks to a special friend, my day was made better and I'm trying to keep a more positive attitude about the day. Little steps at a time. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking he is there and feel the hurt when I relize he is not. Feel the abandonment all over again. So, each day I struggle with my anger toward him with all that I have lost and all that I had helped him and now it is as if "I" don't exist and didn't even mean as much as a friend to him. But I have to realize that HE is not my main concern. God and my kids are. He isn't going to help us survive so I must trust the Lord and know that somehow all will work out and God will help us with our needs and bless us. Lord, may you please have mercy on us today and grant me the ability to take care of all the things I need to get taken care of and help me to obtain a good job so that I may take care of MY family and help me to release my hurt and anger toward Rob. I turn these things over to you and pray you will hear my prayer. In Jesus' name....Amen

I wish I could understand why men are all programed to lie. WHY not just tell the truth and let it be that? EVERY man I have ever dated, etc. has lied and most ALL cheated. WHY? It makes me just want to forget about dating. Live the rest of my life alone, raise my kids and not suffer because of being hurt over and over. I am such a loving and giving person that I don't believe I deserve to be lied to. If it reaches the point you no longer want me, say so and go BEFORE you start something with someone else. And they lie about some of the stupidest things. ONCE you lie to me for the first time, I KNOW you will lie to me again. AND MEN, if all you are looking for is to get laid, then you make that straight upfront and don't pretend there is the option of anything more. Believe me, us ladies would much rather know and be given the choice. Thanks.

Well, today I woke up with a little better feelings about having to start over. And yet just get tired of hearing from ex. that all is MY fault. He takes NO blame for anything. But enough about him. I have 3 beautiful kids that need ME and MY love and in the end, they are ALL that is important. If I am to lead my life without love or a relationship, then so be it. Time to get my head out of my butt and move on. Here's to hoping for a brighter day and a brighter future.!!!!!!!

Last night was NOT a good night. Didn't sleep much. Woke up with a headache and backache again. Okay, today is going to be the start of a new day and new beginning instead of the end of a lost love. Today is going to be a sunny and beautiful day. Time to play with kids and enjoy the day. Not concentrate on the bad. God give me the ability to make today a success. Last night was the end.....today a new beginning.

The day started out nice with rain and thunderstorms....which I find calming, peaceful and beautiful. Does that make me strange? I have to do a ton of things today and now all I want to do (after the ex being hateful via voicemail this morning) I am in somewhat of a BLAH mood....getting headache, etc. I went to see if anyone was hiring nearby (not in my profession but pissy butt jobs where I will only be able to make less than 1/3 what I was) but no real luck. Next week I will have to do something. Something else on my mind. You know how when you meet someone and they are all nice and what, WHY do they always turn out to be mean and ugly? Why are they never whom they said they were? Makes me not to want to EVER try again. Who wants a single mom with 3 young kids? No one. And there is NO ONE in this crappy town. Well, I better stop here. I'm just bitter right now at the ex and truly hurt. BUT will prevail.

Does anyone know if REAL love exists? Or is it always onesided? Does anyone ever make a committment and mean it? At this point in my life, I am believing that I wasn't meant to know love. I loved this man and thought we would work through anything and something just snapped and he no longer wanted anything to do with me. Another woman? Not sure. Would hope not. Isn't something that I would think he would do. I have moments where I just don't believe I was meant to be loved (except by God). There seems to be a curse on me. How can you love someone so much and mean so little to them? How can people just walk away without a care? Well, I will no longer search or hope for THAT kind of love again. I will learn to be happy with the love of my kids. My head hurts. Too much running through it. Time for a break...a nap...quiet time....something. more later....