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What are you waiting for?
They came to me tonight. My mothers ashes. My aunt had the funeral home separate them into separate bags for me and my sisters. They are all labeled neatly. I thought I was numb. But I'm sitting here looking at a UPS package that holds what remains of most of my mother. We have our plans for the scattering of her ashes, but now that it's here I'm so angry. Angry at everything! Angry that my mother is gone, angry that she was taken so soon from us, angry that my son will never ever know her. But I'm more angry that the last time I hold my mother it's in a cardboard envelope from UPS. The woman who gave me her face and eyes. I will never look upon her again. I miss my mother.
I thought I would be ok this weekend, but I can't stop thinking of my mother. The messed up thing is it's not like I've had her for the last 14 mother's days since she was sick. But I feel it this weekend. Because I know she is. I started crying yesterday when one of my customer showed me a card she had bought for her daughter. It was a stupid Disney card too. I will probably be getting drunk tonight because I feel the need to be numb.
My sisters, aunt and I drove back to Texas this weekend to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My mother is in a nursing home there with advanced Demetia. Her hospice nurse called us with information in March about her status. It was not good. She is dying. We went to tell her good bye. They don't expect her to last much longer. She is a ghost of the woman she use to be. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I'm a complete mess. She was diagnosised with this years ago and is in the final stages. There are so many things she has missed and I couldn't share with her. My son barely knows who she is. She has never met my sisters kids. I miss her with everything in me right now. I don't write this for sympathy. I just wanted my friends here to know why I haven't been around. It's been a tough year already for me and mine. I will never know if my mother would be proud of the woman I am today. But I hope she would be.
Love to all,
Heather Lynn
