4469808's blog: "Chacacter"

I woke at 2 am brushing the sleep from my eyes my feet hit the floor as I pulsed and took a deep sigh…. my heart revisited the rawest it has been in years, yet my brain was at its sharpest, and my eyes seemed a little clearer as I continued to rise. A thought came to mind: If you asked me yesterday, if I was bitter, I would have told you yes and felt guilty from having that feeling. Now however, I woke to a face that held a childhood I tried to ever so forget and push from my path. Yet, I couldn’t because that face held the beginning of 2 very important decisions that started the very existence of who I am today. So, I welcome this face and release the bitterness that comes from the greeting. For I am at another cross road in my life and realize bitterness will only weigh me down and is not who I am. I forgive you, but even more so, I forgive myself! Better yet, I will thank you from the bottom of my heart…Thank you. It took me years to understand who I am and even though it has been a rough road and I’m still learning it has also been a great adventure as well. If it wasn’t for this face that has caused my heart to cringe I wouldn’t have learned many things about myself. No matter how many times it tried to break me down I have always had a knack for not allowing it to destroy the heart of me nor stop me from being successful in becoming just who I was meant to be. For the first time I’ve laid eyes on this face in a while and also it was the first time a smile caught my cheeks when I approached. Wow, what a fascinating web life weaves isn’t it? I will no longer push the past from my sight just to endure the thought of my past struggles. I will close the gaps I’ve created in past and present geography and use them for future tools.

This has got me thinking about the little pig tail girl I once was and as I tried to put it in perspective I realized there was much to be gained from life’s travels. If you took that pigtail girl and stood her beside me I would have reluctantly deny that it was me. She was naive, full of life; care free and ready to take on anything that stood before her. She believed everything in life was good and no harm could come to her as long as she kept smiling. During tribulations and strife, that little girl was known to shut her eyes tight and wish the nightmares to go away and done and reacted to things on impulse and rebellion. Yet, if I were to analyze that, I would have to say other than the smoother skin and less graying hair she does bare a scary resemblance. I had the world in the palm of my hand but didn’t use it then and the older I get I use the word “had”, also many other pastiness verbalizations too often. How awkward it is to finally realize that as I have gotten older I may have been selling myself short. Possibilities didn’t stop because I got older however the chance has became much greater for success. Whether it is love, career, money, home, children, enrichment, soulful, or an internal make over it is never too late. As we tell our children daily to shoot for the stars and to never say “I can’t” all does its great service in our lives when we get older as well. Don’t get me wrong, I have faltered and I have had great success in life in general, however that isn’t the things I sought after. One day I wanted to touch someone’s life in a way no one else could have nor tried, to smile on my death bed knowing I did my best and know I didn’t only live life, but loved life as well. To expose my cheesy, corny, dare I say sometimes even goofy self for others to see and truly not give a damn what they think and not only pretend I don’t. To learn everything I could not for conversation tools but for the simple reason I don’t want to miss a beat of what life has to offer.

I had a dream when I was younger sitting on a rock overlooking the shore line as the sun came blazing over the earth’s line in the most amazing way, splintering in colors over the sky as it was almost breaking throw stain glass windows, feeling a complete harmonious feeling of satisfaction as the wind ever so softly brushed my cheek. I may have been a dreamer and naive then, but it was a great dream. Now, even though I have my hands grasped firmly around reality, I still don’t feel a complete loss. I have touch and felt things that most over look daily. I have felt the humbleness that comes with loss and forgiving the things that are unforgivable. I had dance toe to toe with a man that I thought was the devil himself just to prove to myself I had the strength to overcome what lied in my rapid heartbeat. I have created beauty after the wrath of a category 5 hurricane (metaphorically speaking). I have touched the faces of true angelic tenderness the day my children were born and gaze upon it as they grow. I had the pleasures of knowing what true courage was, it wasn’t overcoming the battles I have, the births I gave, those many tests I struggled to pass nor the loss my heart suffered and still does. It was to learn how to just be me!! No matter how many times the worlds roads was rough, no matter how many times stones were caste, no matter how many judgments were past. I am still just simply me, and that is the biggest challenge. I found myself today playing kick ball with my kids in my front yard and watched them run, smile and just being kids. My eyes widen and my heart skipped a beat, a moment later I realized I was holding my breath. So yes, maybe I am a dreamer but isn’t that what life is about? To look at your life and maybe not see the dream you had exactly planed, but it is one fabulous dream that will enrich your life more than the one you had conjured up? Being at undeniable peace and never knowing how in the hell it happened but you blinked and there you stand, hearing the piano of your life being played. Echoing through your ears as if you were standing in a stadium. Suddenly, you remember how that first hot dog tasted, that first time you danced, your very first promotion, your first kiss, all the times you chased the ice cream man down the street as a kid, the first time you watched your favorite team get its first touch town, live! Isn’t it about loving it because it’s your life! Knowing you did have the steering wheel the whole time and it took you to your destination? Am I lucky? No! I am blessed! Blessed, to have seen the magnificent treasures which await me every time the sun warms my face in the morning.

Even though I have found some success in these things it doesn’t mean it’s over or it is a closing to those chapters but it means it has only just begun and many new experiences will be ventured some bad, some good. Today I revisited that pigtailed girl and remembered just who I am and what lays before me and my future. Thanks to that little girl for gracing me with a rerun of past roads I better understand with age…. I may become withered and worn down but the adventure is still going and new journeys still waits. The world will still revolve on its axle even when my skin thins and my wisdom is left far in the distance, but for now I can embrace the world’s rotation until that day comes and enjoy the existence of what was once that little girl.