Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thru your eyes!
I am changing the way I see things and I want to thank you for that. I once saw addicts as selfish greedy people. But as I take away all of those flaws, I look deep into your eyes and see something else. I see despair and pain only wanting approval from other people. You know you want to be something they are proud but just cant make those changes. I don't believe it was all your all fault some characteristics are innate regardless of those drugs. I remember seeing this look in your eyes and at the time I didn't know how to deal with it. Instead of pushing you away I should of turned to you with open arms. You needed me and I wasn't there for you, even if you wouldn't excepted my help I should of least tried. I never honestly sat down and talked to you about it or even told you I was proud of you. I see now, I was very negative towards you. You had a lot of great qualities about you, that are endless to talk about. At the end of all this its over, this war you were battling within yourself. Your pain has ceased, you may now rest. I love you Robert and you are in my life everyday regardless if you aren't present here, I speak and think about you everyday. My goal is to help people like you in my future, because you weren't just an addict you were my loving brother and I know there are many other people just like you. They may living in a destructive world, headed for death, but maybe just maybe have a chance for survival. Even if that's a small chance its worth fighting for.
Love always,
Chasity
RIP Robert G. Meade 2/1/88 - 6/21/06
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
To Robert
Current mood: sad
Robert,
There are many things that I have wanted to tell you, now that are gone. I have a lot of built up feelings that have really bothered me. When you passed away we weren't on the best of terms, which I believe our stubbornness left us both at fault. I was very anger with you because of the lifestyle you chose to live. I couldn't understand how you couldn't cope with life the way I did. I really wish I could have had more empathy for you and try to look at things thru your eyes. I really was only so hard on because I knew you were capable of so much. Sometimes I still feel very anger with you for being so selfish and giving up on life. The truth is I still needed you here as my sibling. Then I just feel selfish just thinking about myself, not the pain you were in. One thing that will never change is my love for you, so I will end it on a good note and tell you how proud I am to have you as my brother!
Love always,
Chaddy
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Roberts pain
Current mood: sad
Category: Writing and Poetry
This is something that Robert wrote to Chesley....Makes me so sad to see how much pain he was in.
he asked where im going with my life
if i needed some help like rehab
and i thought about saying yes
i told him im thinkin about sum stuff in my life
he said hes sick of hearing my bullshyt
but hes just sick of me
and so am i
ill do anything
take away my pain
the tears get stuck underneath my eyes
and i want to cry but they wont come out
i need to be a man
but my bones feel too weak
my muscles ache
im sick of fighting the same old fight again
why i look at this evil pipe and cry
i take it in my hand and the tears flood
how did it destroy my life
i didnt see it happen
it happend so fast
i closed them and opened them again it was all over
i never got to fight back
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Well...
Current mood: sad
Its been a while since I wrote about Robert. This has been the hardest year of my life. I have had to endure Thanksgiving, Christmas, his bday, my bday and so much more without him. With the summer approaching it is just another reminder of my life without him. I have began to deal with it better but the pain never goes away. I have lost someone very important to me and the truth is he is never coming back. I realize that now after many months of denial thinking he was just away or forgetting all about the funeral. My only hope is seeing him in my dreams and seeing him in the afterlife. "Well I love you Bubba"
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
A month later.....
Current mood: depressed
Well its been a month since Robert has passed and I am so angry. I am angry at him for basically giving up on life, for the fact that I have to see my many people in pain. I now realize he is gone but still don't fully comprehend it, when you think of future you never think of it without your sibling being here with you. Especially since we lived together, my days feel so loney being here in the house where my dear brother died. Everyday is a different struggle, a different emotion to be felt, just when I think i can handle it, I get a phone call for Robert then I have to re- live the nightmare in my head.
Monday, July 31, 2006
My brother
Current mood: sad
I never knew I could feel so much pain. I know I will never be the same. I must go on but there will always be an empty ness in my heart, I will never see my brother again.To be honest I know I am still in denial I think somehow he's going to come out of his room, like I forgot all about the funerial or that awful night we found his body. I think its my way of protecting myself to forget all about it. Sometimes I feel selfish b/c there;s is know way of understanding what my dad is going thru, I just wish I could take away all of his pain. I keep thinking there is something I should of done but I honestly thought he was sleeping all the times I saw him that day. I just wish I could have been a better sister to him protect him from this. His worst enemy was him eyes and things that he saw. I guess he felt the only way of coping with the stress was by doing the drugs. This honestly feels like some nightmare and my home doesn't even like my home anymore, I can't walk by my room without thinking of him. But I know its not a nightmare when each day I wake up and its still the same, my lil brother is gone.
