BeAuTiFuLMoNsTeR's blog: "Life n Timez"

Well.. shitty days n night n blah. So Alots changed about me...i got a job and i have a life not to mention i miss alot of people. I now work for the board of Education and i work 5am to 5pm FUN! I have money now because of my job so I can afford to go ouit which is awsomeness, and i can get myself stuff i wantz. And as far as people I miss..they're all people that are no longer living. this past summr alone..i like 7 friends/family. in jus a matter of 2 months. I found out only a few months ago a friend of mine Jessica hung herself. She was like me in the fact that we did the same self mutilation BS and we were depressed. Alot of the time i felt she was the only one who could understand how I feel and why I felt the way I did. We were so similar, Same name, same likes, same dislikes. I miss her like all hell. I just wish we stayed in touch. I feel like her death is partially my fault because i didnt stay in touch. I guess one morning a friend of hers walked into her house and she had hung herself in the bathroom on the shower pole that holds up the curtain. Another friend of mine i knew in highschool jumped off a bridge about a month ago. and another burned to death in a fire. the cause of the fire and the circumstances are still unknown. But N e wayz my life is so far so good. my daughter is jus getting biggr and biggr. And soon she'll be off to school. I duno how well I will take it but I will roll with the punches so to speak. So yea thats about it.

Have u ever felt alone but know its by your own doing? Or wake up in the mornings and feel like everyday is sunday and a day of impending doom? You just wake up turn off the alarm *playing Greenday's Boulevard of Broken Dreams* by ur bed sit up look outside and think...all hells going to break loose today. Then u proceed to get up get coffee a cig and just stand outside to see the sunrise and then you think ...*what if i was someone eles, someplace eles, sometime other then the current?* Then reality hits and you realise u have so much to do and not enough time in the day. You walk back to ur room and get everything for a good shower. Whilest in the shower you again start thinking *The waters too hot or too cold and then it hits you how trivial this all is nd water is water* You get out dry off and get dressed half heartedly and then think *Why am i getting dressed what for...not like anyone important like the pope will be at my door* And you keep getting dressed. You take the time again to look outside to only see a couple walking down the sidewalk and the wheels begin to turn again...*It wont last, Seems no relationships last n e more. Mostly because people stop trying stop looking at what they have and how the grass is always greener.* Finally you sit infront of your computer and type it all down..all the while thinking * are people going to think me insane? or just in a constant state of mind? Or just plain bored?* When actually you then realise you just dont give a damn and you never will...wether someone reads this and understands or reads it and thinks ur looney..you just in the end dont give a damn.

WHEN SHE ACTS SHY -SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN SHE RUNS AWAY FROM YOU - CHASE HER WHEN SHE PUTS HER FACE NEAR YOURS - KISS HER WHEN SHE KICKS & PUNCHES - HOLD HER TIGHT WHEN SHE IS SILENT - SHE'S THINKIN OF HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN SHE IGNORES YOU - SHE WANTS ALL YOUR ATTENTION! WHEN SHE SAYS YOU ARE CRAZY -SHE IS REALLY CRAZY ABOUT YOU! WHEN SHE PULLS AWAY - GRAB HER BY THE WAIST AND NEVER LET GO WHEN YOU SEE HER AT HER WORST - TELL HER SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!* WHEN SHE SCREAMS AT YOU - TELL HER YOU LOVE HER BUT MEAN IT WHEN YOU SEE HER WALKING -SNEAK UP BEHIND HER GRAB HER BY THE WAIST AND GIVE HER A KISS WHEN SHE'S SCARED!!!!!!!!! -HOLD HER AND TELL HER EVERYTHING WILL BE OK CAUSE SHE'S WITH YOU WHEN SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMETHINGS THE MATTER - KISS HER AND TELL HER NOT TO WORRY WHILE SHE HOLDS YOUR HANDS - PLAY WITH HER FINGERS WHEN SHE CRIES -HOLD HER FACE IN YOUR HANDS, LOOK INTO HER EYES, THEN HUG HER. WHEN YOU CUDDLE -HOLD ONTO HER LIKE THIS IS THE LAST DAY EVER*CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THAT WILL BE* WHEN SHE IS SICK -TEND TO HER, NOT JUST MAKING SOUP AND FLUFFING HER PILLOW, BUT DO IT WITH LOVE. WHEN SHE DRESSES HER BEST -TELL HER NO WOMAN WILL EVER SURPASS HER BEAUTY. AND WHEN SHE IS OLD -TELL HER THAT YOU THANK GOD EVERYDAY FOR THE YEARS PAST WITH HER. AND WHEN THE TIME COMES TO DEPART FROM LIFE -TELL HER THAT YOU REFUSE TO GO TO HEAVEN WITHOUT YOUR GOD SENT ANGEL. *the sad part is men and women forget these things and so heres a lil advice for u guy n girls...if you really truely love someone no matter how much you fight no matter who has done what...love sould always surpass the anger and sadness. and simply put...guys and girls...remember **** Always remind the one you love just how much you do love, care, and worry for them, because life is short...too short...and the closest thing we will ever have to heaven on earth is the love of someone who sees you as an angel.

If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about our love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me Well you got your reasons And you got your lies And you got your manipulations They cut me down to size Sayin' you love but you don't You give your love but you won't If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about our love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me Seems the road less traveled Show's happiness unraveled And you got to take a little dirt To keep what you love That's what you gotta do Sayin' you love but you don't You give your love but you won't You're stretching out your arms to something that's just not there Sayin' you love where you stand Give your heart when you can If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about our love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me Sayin' you love but you don't You give your love but you won't Sayin' you love where you stand Give your heart when you can If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about or love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me ~~