The Real Nikki Vicious Twisted Fxcking B's blog: "Life in general"

I’m tired of living. I’m tired of fighting this constant uphill battle that I can never win. I’m tired of being the one that has to shoulder all the responsibility for everyone and everything, because otherwise it won’t get done. I’m tired of feeling like I am marginalized and I can’t do anything right. Geoff broke my phone last night. It’s my fault, of course. No sorry, no offer to help me fix it, nothing. Why should it matter, I have a spare phone I can use… that’s not a phone I can actually use…. Why should I care, it’s not like I’ve done anything like spend money on it… It’d be so nice to just be able to take all the pills in my purse. Who the fuck would miss me? I’m just the little sick girl that everyone has to pity. I’d rather die. I’m so fucking sick of fighting this battle, knowing that everything I had hoped, wished, dreamed… none of it is going to fucking come true.

So I had this friend... and yes, I say had because we're no longer friends... who lied about me, started a whole ton of drama, and was just generally hurtful, rude and condescending. I've got tons of examples of the shit she pulled, and it's mostly stupid and petty shit, but it's just the matter that over the 3 years that I've known her, she's never once just been able to be happy for anyone but herself. Case in point... I'm small. I've always been small. It's not like I'm actively trying to stay thin, but I have ADHD and my metabolism is pretty fucking high. I've been like this my entire life. I used to try to be a pothead, hoping that I'd gain weight... but it's seriously like the more I eat, the more I stay the same weight. She would always make comments about force feeding me, and calling me a "skinny minnie..." I told her point blank that that shit was hurtful. She blew it off because "everyone wants to be skinny." I was hospitalized earlier this year, basically about to die... and I was completely alone. Where the fuck were my friends? She never came to see me. She never called to see how I was doing. The ONE time I called, and she said she was going to come see me, she said she was loading up the baby in the car, etc etc etc... 6 hours later, no call, no show. She didn't bother to pick up her cell phone after that. I found out that while I was in the hospital, she was running around telling people that I was anorexic, and that I was doing all of this for attention. Some friend... After I get out of the hospital, when I'm supposed to be recovering, she goes and starts a whole assload of shit with my sorta-boyfriend... telling him that I've been telling people that he beats me, and that he hit me in the face. He NEVER hit me in the face, and the one time he did actually hit me, I completely deserved it. I was freaking out, having a panic episode, and I tried to kick the windshield out of his car. He openhand backhanded my thigh... it didn't even leave a mark. He only did it to snap me out of my attack... and I've NEVER said anything differently to ANYONE. He, of course, believes her, because why would he not... she's basically family to him. So we end up completely breaking up... when I needed my friends around me the most, I had none of my good friends because of this girl. She has actively lied to and about me. She has started bullshit, needless drama because she's bored. I don't need this shit. I don't need her in my life. I don't need to constantly be wondering what she's scheming next. I'm done with the fucking drama. I have absolutely no desire to play these bullshit, high school games. But am I supposed to? Yeah. Her dad is my roommate. I've known him for longer than I've known her, by like 5 years. My boyfriend is still friends with her. Basically everyone in my life is somehow involved with her... My boyfriend thinks that we've both acted poorly. He thinks I bottled all this shit up and let it go for too long... but I tried talking to her about this shit. I'm sick of having to be the polite one, and having to hold my tongue when she's running her ignorant fucking mouth about things she knows nothing about. I'm sick of her acting like I know nothing at all, because I'm some backwoods, uneducated redneck. Fuck you... I've been to California, and it's not all that awesome. Lot's of extremely rude and condescending and fake people. Just because I graduated high school in Texas doesn't lessen my achievement of graduating in 3.5 years as salutatorian of my class. I've gone to college. I'm a fucking programmer for a major telecommunications company on my own merits... I self taught myself what I needed to know for this job. And what are you? You're a "stay at home mom" working on your "nursing degree..." Yeah.. we'll see. You bitch about how hard your life is, but I was hauling my ass up to work up until the day I passed out at work and had to be taken to the hospital. I was hauling my ass into work running 104° fever. I've been the one that has kept my mouth shut when you started correcting me on how to make southern sweet tea... when I've been making it most of my life. I've been the one to keep my mouth shut when you've corrected me on pronunciations, only to come back a couple weeks later and say that I'm right. I've been the one to be polite and distance myself from you because I don't want the drama, I'd rather just live my life... but no... you have to insert your fucking big mouth into everything. You have to turn everything into drama. You have to take everything that is said and twist it into something else. You have to play the fucking victim in everything. Fuck you. Geoff wants me to "get over myself" and "move on..." I have. I don't think you'll ever change. I don't think you'll ever honestly apologize... saying shit like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I'm sorry, but..." is not a fucking apology. You fucked up, do NOT blame this shit on me.

My kitten Aoki died today. She was the runt, and the one the least likely to survive, but I thought that she has lasted this long, and she had a chance.

My birthday is cursed. Every year I've had a shitty birthday since I was 15. 2 years ago, our upstairs apartment flooded, I got yelled at by the apartment manager for "breaking" the pipe, and a bunch of our furniture was totally ruined. This year, I had been saving my upgrade credit on my cell phone because I wanted an iPhone. I figured that if I didn't get one, I'd have enough money to buy one myself. So I go and log in to my account yesterday, see that I have the upgrade, and call AT&T. While I'm on the phone, the customer service bitch manages to delete my voice mail. Seriously... every time I call into their customer service, they disable my voice mail. She then tells me that I'm not eligible for an upgrade until 8/2/09... I ask why, and she said that I signed a new 2 year contract back in December. I never signed a new contract, I sent my phone in for them to replace under warranty... but the guy I talked to then took it upon himself to burn my upgrade credit, and send me a shitty phone. I also won't get my car back until the 18th... and the other person in the wreck is claiming that I took responsibility for the wreck, even though he cut me off and then slammed on his brakes. He's lying to both insurance companies, claiming that he had been in front of me for a while. I'm so fucking sick of trying to be responsible, and not running myself into debt. I'm sick of fucking having to take care of everyone else. I'm sick of having to deal with everyone else lying. I'm sick of having "friends" that could give a fuck less about me unless I'm doing something for them. I'm so fucking done with everything about my life.

Why is it that the more I try to be drama free, the more everyone in my life has to cause drama? My supposed "friends" refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, instead they want to throw it all on me. I've got enough bullshit to deal with... I just want to be able to breathe... One of my "friends" lost something, even though I clearly remember giving it back to her, but she's going to jump my ass about it. Once it's away from me, I have no control over it... I'd be more than happy to replace it, if I did in fact lose it... but I didn't, and I'm not going to. If that ruins our friendship, oh fucking well... I'm over the fact that this person constantly creates drama for no other reason than they're bored. Real life does not have to be like the fucking soap operas 24/fucking7. One of my other "friends" is completely taking advantage of me... We got an apartment together, and without asking, she moves her boyfriend in. They can barely afford rent and bills, but yet they're out partying every week. They have absolutely no problem letting their cat run loose in my bedroom, allowing him to break my shit... they can't pay back any of the shit that they owe me... but yet they can go get drunk. Fuck it, with friends like these, who the fuck needs enemies.

M3GZ: i didnt want to i just poped up ->M3GZ: you're more than welcome to not look... trust me, it won't hurt my feelings M3GZ: then change ur picture cuz u look like u got run over by a steam roller in that pic..... REALLY KREEPY ->M3GZ: i don't even get why it's an issue... if i was underweight or something, i'd know... my tits and/or ass would be the first to go, and i'm still a c cup, and my ass still fills out jeans M3GZ: ok then dont suc in ur scarein me ->M3GZ: however, my weight is definitely not an issue... i'm carefully monitored by 7 different specialists, and they all say i'm within normal weight range M3GZ: eat something then it make u feel better ->M3GZ: i have an incurable disease ->M3GZ: uhm... newsflash... i am going to die M3GZ: im in shape n stil look good u look sick no offence at all truthfully im scared for u u look like ur gonna die ->M3GZ: why? so i can look like the other fat chicks that post pics of their fat rolls so that sex starved basement dwellers can jerk off? nah, i think i'll pass... i like being in shape and not being fat M3GZ: eat three ->M3GZ: i'm eating a pizza... M3GZ: eat something PLEASE http://www.fubar.com/images.php?u=1942700 Jealous bitches = lame Want someone to take you seriously... try not pretending you're a myspace whore by taking lots of "artsy" extreme angle body shots...