Odi et amoExcrucior's blog: "Life as I know it"

Watching blood stained windows I must just love the pain See the children crying In my dreams my mother died again Dig her grave much deeper The fatal price she paid I hope I'm here to hold her When she comes back again I see the death and the disaster There is no happy ever after The time has come Is the armageddon Finally here at last? You may see the mushroom But you won't hear the blast Don't need a self made prophet Don't need a holy war Don't need another leader To even up the score I'm cursed with living on a fault line The doomsday clock was made by mankind No place to run I see the death and the disaster There is no happy ever after The time has come The Countdown's begun

Well it's been a week now since my mothers death...and now I'm getting all these different emotions coming at me that I never expected.....Mostly guilt..like not being around as much as I could have...and why couldn't I of even picked up a phone to say hi..Guilty for being so wrapped up in my own pointless life that I pretty much ignored my family...Blah I wonder how long this is gonna last... On the good side of things I wont need surgery on my neck....just physical therapy is all I need. So I guess that is some good news..TTY all later

Public speaking has never been my thing...I always get light headed and my face turns red (which suprises most ppl who know me I'm a pretty confident person) So today wasnt any easier when I had to give my Mothers Eulogy..it was by far the hardest and most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I was shaking so badly during that my step sister had to come up and hug me so I could calm down...But I AM grateful that I had a chance to express the love my Sister,Step Siblings and I felt towards her one last time.. I've always been kind of distant and aloof towards my family...Untill this happened. It has made me realize how much I cherish and love them. My step family are the most wonderfull people I have ever known. And I will ALWAYS love them because they are true family and they are all I have left now. I truly hope that none of you will ever have to go through anything like this in your life..to watch a loved one suffer for months before FINALLY they are given a chance to rest peacefully. So before this happens to you PLEASE let your loved ones know how much you care..

Well It's been awhile since I've done a proper update. First off I want to thank everyone who has been there for me the last month or so while my mom has been sick. As far as we know the cancer isn't getting any better but we won't really know anything till her first rounds of chemo are done. She has her good days and her bad days...It really bothers me that we had to put her in a home but we can't possibly keep up with her meds and as of right now she needs 24hr care and we can't provide that. So again THANK YOU to everyone who has been so supportive.. On the plus side I got to see my real sister again (WHOO HOOO!!) On the really plus side of that is she brought her family with her..I havn't seen any of them in 8yrs.. My eldest niece turned 18 while they were here and I have to tell you thats freaky(freaky how all of them have grown!!!!) And I got to see a nephew that I've never got to meet before. And another nice and nephew...I LOVED having them around and wish they could of stayed longer than a week. I STILL don't know what the fuck is wrong with my neck..all I know is I need to get if fixed SOON!!!! The left side of my neck thru the shoulder muscle and all the way down my left arm is a constant sheet of fire and pins and needles..and now the ring and middle fingers on my right hand are constantly numb..And I can't get in to see the doctor till wednsday...I really don't know if I can take it much longer... Ugh I can't even go into the love portion of my life.It's still so screwed up...I can't get a good feel on that girl...She's sooooooo hard to read sometimes. I can't really tell if she's interested in anything long term (and I really want it to turn into that) All I can say about the roomate/living situation is that it's TOTALLY DILDOES!!!! And will be resolved VERY SOON!!!!! I'm tired of Matt always getting shafted by one roommate..and it affects me too. But most of the financial burden falls on him..and I feel bad cuz I can't really help him with that. But he's a really close friend and his moods affect me also......Well that's all for now more updates later. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee