Jaded Devil's blog: "Life and Love"

Well here I am thinking again, like always. I have had a really bad day, I went to go see my kids today and what do ya know, they were not home this weekend. The twins and my oldes were gone. So I sat and talked to my dad for a while to see how they were doing. Saw their report cards and although it was hard to understand them but from the look of things they seemed to be doing really well. I miss them so very much and right now I feel like all I have ever seen is the pictures that they have gotten from school or looking at old pictures of them that I have. Im starting to wonder when Im ever going to see them grow up without the pictures, just me and them and making our own memories. I have been dealing with this for so long now and nothing ever seems to become of it. I know that some day I could get them back but I cant wait for some day to come. I know that if I just work really hard at it that I will get them. I just hope that it wont be to late for me to make my memories with them. Its hard to see them growing up in pictures and thats all that I ever see of them and I know that they are safe and that they are dreaming of the same things I am of them coming home and being with mom. But right now its just hard for me to deal with and I have all the support in the world from my loving boyfirend and fiance Cowboy. I love him very much and I have him to lean on right now and I would not change that for anything in the world and I know he's here to help me fight for the boys. There is nothing in the world that I would change about him. Its nice to know that I have some one to help me fight this one and not have to deal with it alone. I have never really had some one to help me with this. I know he loves me alot and I love him just as much. We are ment to be together and I know this for sure. Ive never been sure of something in my life but he is the one that was ment for me. Now we have the uphill battle of getting the boys back and getting them home. Its just hard to deal with when you dont have something when you know that you should have them. But how else am I supposed to deal with something like this and not feel like Im fighting alone? I know that Im not and for that Im very thankful. I would not know what to do without Cowboy by my side. I think I would not feel the same. I know the boys will like him because he love their mom just as much as they do. I have some great boys and a wonderful boyfriend that I am very greatful for right now. I just feel that I should have the rest of them here with us now. I know that this blog is not going to make much sence to any one but its just someting that I have to get off my chest and not really having much else to do is all I can do get this off my mind and try and make sence of it all. I dont know what more there is to do but work my tail off just to get the boys home with me and get my family put back together. Thats all that I want and that is all that really makes want this. I know that things will get better in time but but to me sometimes I feel like time is running out for me and the boys. I dont want that to happen, I want to be able to have my family, not just some of it. ~~**Jaded.Devil**~~

Ok this is going to be one of those types of blogs that most probably will never take the time to read but I have to get this off my chest. I met some one that I have grown to love very much and he knows who he is. But this is something that I need to put down and see how this goes. I love this guy very much and I have never really felt this before about some one. I know we started off really great and the more we talked the more I fell for him. Now both of us are scared and are thinking that its going to fast for us to keep up with. I want him in my life and I think about him all the time. I sat down last nite and wrote a six page letter to him and now Im scared to send it to him. I pourd my heart out to him and told him how I felt about him and how much I wanted him in my life and my boys life. I feel that we can make this work no matter what and that I have faith in him more then any guy I have ever been with. This is not easy for me to do when it comes to my feelings. Ive always balled them up and kept them away. But this I can't keep it balled up. This is something much more then just some innocent school girl crush. There is a quote that I have seen quite offten and that is "It is better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all." I know what is to love and I know what its to lose and it is getting to the point that I want to love more then loose what I had. I am willing to take the plunge and take this head on and in full force with no regrets. Some of the biggest risks in life are the ones you never took. Well this is one that Im more then willing to take. I love this man with my heart and sould and give him something that I have never really given any one and that is the one pice of my heart that was destroyed so many years ago. My boys have most of my heart but the one pice that was destroyed has been given to him. I know this sound a bit extream but this is how I feel about him. I know that this sound very off the wall and that Im just being silly about it. But my feelings for him are real and heartfelt. I dont mind that he wants to slow down and take it one step at a time before we go much farther in life together. I dont just need him in my life I want him in my life for as long as possible. I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel. He's sweet and caring, soft and wild. He can be innocent when he wants to be and he can be evil when he wants. Its what makes him exciting to be around. I never really thought that I could fall for him like I have. I love how he says my name and how me makes me laugh and the way he makes me feel about my self. I dont want to plan for the future, I want to be able to live in the moment with him and take it day by day and see what is in store for us. Weather it be as we are now or what, granted I would love to have him as my life long partner. But that will have to wait. I want to know what ever there is about him, know what makes him tick and know what turns him on and what makes him tick. I want to know more then anything what his hopes and dreams are and be there for him every step of the way. Be there when he needs someone to life him up when he is down and cuddle up to on a cold winters night. I want to be able to show him how much I love him and show him that I love him no matter what he does. I love his monkey act, because it makes me smile. I love how we flirt with each other and how we can turn each other on when the moment strikes us. when I cant talk to him I think about him and wonder what he is thinking or what he is doing. I love his voice and how it makes me melt every time I hear it. I love his accents he does and how sexy they sound. I just think he's sexy all the way around and it is what I think about when I first wake up and the last think I think of at night. I think not only of him but my boys as well. They are what keeps me going from day to day. My 4 boys that I so desperatly want right now more then anything in the world. I wished this year that I would find someone that would accept me and my boys for who we are and not just because its a packaged deal. He has said that they are his boys, but now I dont know what to think cause he's scared that I might not be who I really say I am, but I have told him that I am as real as any woman can get. I am strong willed and heartfelt and can do what is needed to make him happy. It would make me happy just to do something as littles as putting my arms around him after a long hard day or when he is feeling sad about something. Just to make him smile is all I want to be able to do. To see his eyes light up and kissing me. To feel his lips on mine or the gental toutch of his hands running through my hair. I would feel so much joy in that then I ever would, just to see his smile. I love his eyes and how they can just melt me into a puddle of mush. His hair is just as sexy and how he pulls it back away from his face. Every thing about him makes me smile. I only want him to do what is best for him and if that means taking it slow and really getting to know eachother then that is what we do and watch our relationship grow as time goes by. Watch our love blossom into a lasting relationship worth more then anything in the world to us. I want the boys to see that he is everything that we have ever deserved and some one they can look up to for any thing. I want the boys to love his just as much as I do now. He may not be their dad but he's some one they can trust and look up to when they have a problem with girls or football or just what ever comes up. I know this is probably way too much to comprehend for such a new relationship but this is how I feel about him and I only hope that the feelings are mutual.I know its mearly a wish and nothing more, but I have to let him know just how I feel and that I need to know how he feels. I know he's the one that wants to slow down and take things as they come, thats fine I dont mind it at all, thats probably what we should have done to begin with other then jumping in head first. We should have just talked about things that make us tick. What we like and dont like and what turns us on or off and what we can do to make this last for a long time to come. I know that those that I have asked advice for have said to have paticents and let is all play out and I agree with them. I have no time limit here and I can go as slow as he wants to go Im not leaving any time soon. As long as we can work on a relationship I would be tickled pink for a very long time to come. I know that this is alot to read and it might not make much sence but this is what I have to do to feel better about things and know what my feelings are for him, now he may or may not read this but at least I know that I have openly expressed my feelings for him and weather or not any one else knows it at least I know it and that I am not afraid to show it. So if your willing to take the time to read this then you know just how I feel for him. Im proud of my feelings for him and thats all that matters to me, knowing that Im willing to put it all on the line and express my real true feelings without any regrets what so ever. I want him to know my feelings for him, if I didnt then why would I stay up all night writing him a letter that tells him what I feel and the if taking it slow is what it takes then so be it, I will do what it takes to get through this all and have a love that can keep on growing from now till the end of time. So for my sweetheart I love you very much please give us a try, dont give up keep learning everything that you want to know about me, know that what I feel for you is true and heartfelt and ture. I would go to the ends of the world just to have you a part of my life. I would gladly help you with whatever I could, no matter how big or how small I am here for you when ever you need it most. This is who I am and this is how I feel. Some may not understand but thats ok at least I know and I can understand what to do and how Im going to deal with it. I only want to be able to hear his voice again and txt him every chance I get and know that when he's online that my heart skips a beat and my eyes light up and I have a glow about me and I know that I am truly happy with him. I keep telling him that I am the luckest girl in the world to have him and he always say Im crazy, but this is what I feel. He does not see why I think he's sexy and I tell him its because of the way he caries him self and how he makes me feel. Ive said what I can for now, but for those that take the time to read all this will have to keep watch as this unfolds and see where it leads and what becomes of it. I can only hope and pray that I dont have to look any futher then him and that I have nothing to worry about any longer. I know that he is my knight in shinning armor and my every wish come true. I only want him to know that I am not some crazy female and that I am like no other on here. I am true to who I am and that is what counts the most to those that know me best. I am not fake I am not acting as if I am some skinny chick, I tell it how it is, Im a big girl and Im fine with that, granted I tend to be very shy but it only takes me some time to come out of my shell and show the non bashful side of me. I am 50% Angel and 50% Devil, you never know which one your going to get, so which one do you want.................. Babe you know what I mean by that and so I ask you babe, can you keep me and love me for who I am and be there when I need it most?? I hope and pray that you will have me and keep me around, and get to know me now and see that I am real and that my feelings for you are true and not just some school girl crush that only last for a few days. I want you to know that my feelings for you will last a life time if only you let me show you and let me in to have and to hold till time on earth stops. I dont want any other but you and would love to keep you, some one told me that there is a no return policey and that all sales are final. So I ask you sweetheart can I keep you and hold you close and know that I will be safe with you no matter what happens along lifes winding road?? ~~**Jaded.Devil**~~

Please Hear What I'm not saying Don't be fooled by the face I ware. For I ware a thousand masks, and none of them are me Don't be fooled; for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game. And that I need no one. But don't believe me. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in aloneness, in fear. That's why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me, From the glance that know, But such a glance is precisely my salvation. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built Prison walls. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing and that I'm no good, And that you will reject me. And so begins the parade of masks. I idly chatter to you. I tell you everything that's really nothing and Nothing of what's everything, of what's crying with in me. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying. I'd really like to genuine, and spontaneous, and me. But you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand. Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, Each time you try to understand because you really care, My heart begins to grow wings, feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power Of understanding. You alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty. It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. But I'm told that love is stronger than strong walls, And in this lies my only hope. Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, But a gentle hand, for a child is very sensitive. Who I am, you may wonder. I am every man you meet, and also every woman that you meet, And I am you, also. Cherlyn Merry, Feb. 28, 1998

ya know when you love some one so much that you're willing to do anything for them no matter what it is. well thats my deal. I love my baby so much that I will do anything for him, I would give him the shirt off my back and my very last dollar to make sure that he has what he needs. I know he would do the same for me. Granted we live in different states but we still have a great love that survives the longest of miles. I talk to him every day and just the sound of his voice makes me love him all that much more. To hear the words "I Love You" from him is enough to make me melt all over again. It will be one year next month that we started going out and I want to say to him I love You with all my heart, your my world baby!! And trust me he knows who he is.