PhantomsPandora's blog: "Lexie's Rants"

Days, relationships, jobs, whatever? Its' been a year and I'm still not over my ex. It's very irratating. Hate/Love, whatever in the world it may be, all it takes is something and I'm reminded of him. I don't know whether i'd rather see him again next to me or run him over with a truck. It's so mean, especially to have violent feelings one way or another, but I can't help it. I don't want to date I don't want to entertain the thought of going on with someone else. I guess that maybe that hurts feelings but I don't care. Right now I'm in a pitty party mood. Excuse me.

I haven't posted in an eon on here. For three days a week I've been watching a friend's children. Her oldest plays softball and is only five years old. I love going and watching her play. I'm trying to make my peace with the fact that it would be dangerous for me to have children considering my health problems. Sometimes it's difficult. Ok, a lot of the time, it's difficult. I lost it in the car when a family friend was watching me with them and said "you'd make a great mom" These kids are so beautiful. Would you believe that I'm about to be a Godparent to these three beautiful babies? I can't wait. I know that it is a big responsibility. Otherwise, I'm doing fine. Drop me a line and let me know how you are, too.

UGH! My mom went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. My cousin is younger than I am and I am so afraid all I'm going to get when I get home was... "well they asked about you, about if you had a boyfriend and when you were getting married." They mention it at every family gathering just about. It's so depressing for them to bring this up. I don't often whine. My friend set me up with someone last week. And when he wasn't honest with me about something, it blew up in my face instead of his. I was completely a honest person with him. He was a complete toad. I'm sick of toads. I'm sick of trying to talk to the toads. And I'm sick of my friend fixing me up. Bless her for trying though. No luck on the job front either. I wish that I had of talked to someone who went to the school first, all about the job experience stuff. I wish someone had just told me the truth of it. I am lucky to be living with my family. One of the people there at school said to go work for a temp agency....and..what for? I need health insurance pretty bad. I hope it gets better soon...if i get a whisper of good news, I'll let you know.

Eh, I stayed up way too late sitting here wasting time. I need a job. And it's bad for me to stay up late considering my health issues, but every once in a while it can't be too much of a problem. Anyway, Anybody have suggestions on how they excersize and find it fun instead of a chore? I try it, and then after a few days I quit. I know it's typical of most folks. I even quit drinking caffiene for a while and it seems to work,b ut then one day I'm really tired..you know how that goes, right? I was really hoping that my externship would hire me, because in that hospital everyone who works there gets a free gym membership. Anyway, anybody found something that works for them? I'd be really grateful for your suggestions.

I guess it's human nature to put down other folks or have your prejudices but, even though I do it from time to time, I don't understand how it can be acceptable in society to be that way. This or that religion believes it's better than the other, or being an athiest is better. You're better than your neighbor because you have more money more things. Sometimes I think that no body gets that in the end, stuff is stuff. Emotional baggage is just that. When you die, you leave that stuff behind. The grave and it's in habitants in the soil do not care what kind of person you were before you died. You're just food. It won't matter what kind of coffin you're in. It won't matter either if you're creamated. So why do people hang on to this stuff, let stuff fester and sore underneath their emotional selves? And why hold grudges on the dead when you can't do anything about it? There was a time in my life several years ago when I really thought it would be better if some friends were dead(by that I mean not actually dead, necessarily, just away never having caused this to begin with, not existing) instead of having to deal with them being ok with what they had done to me. But I had to learn to forgive them, maybe not forget, but forgive. That's a hard lesson. I'm not making myself to sound arrogant. At least I'm trying not to. I just don't understand the waste. I really don't. Whatever afterlife you believe in..I just don't know..but I'm not sure any afterlife supports leaving all this anger here..

Well wednesdays my last day. I'm so happy for that, you don't even know. It's going to be awesome to be done-and be able to sleep in for a few days before I do the whole interview thingy. Oh yes, I'm going to go to a dresden dolls concert. They say they like people to dress up, but I don't know what I"m going to do. Hmmmmm

I absolutely hate my externship site. Anybody else have this experience? I'm working for free while they train me. Thank goodness I only have a couple more weeks of this. I think I'm going to go crazy, honestly. Welcome to the jungle baby, we got fun and games. Only they aren't your kind of fun and they are mind games. Ugh. Last weekend I was so stressed out that by Saturday all I did was cry. That site is damned ridiculous.

Ok, I may sound old fashioned, maybe, but I like to get to know people before dating them. It aggravates me when you're pestered with "call me" messages over the internet. I don't know who you are, why should I call you? And for that matter you don't know me, so why would you give out your phone number. Or those messages that tell you to contact them the minute you get the message. Hon, I have a life, and no offense, I don't like being told what to do. I don't know, it's just rude.

My school did not prepare me for all that would go on the first day of externship. I was so scared that first day. I know every first day of work is stressful as all get out, but, on the same end, I wish I'd had some idea of what to do. I kinda confessed to my mother Saturday night that I hated this, absolutely hated it. And I do. I'd much rather do transcription.(and earn a lot of money for it, too) Oooooooooh shizzle. Well I only have a few weeks of externship. Things will get better, I hope.