So sometimes things happen
And you really wish they didnt
Or maybe the way they unfolded was differently done
Sometimes you wonder if certain things that are
done or have been said, are on purpose.
But you never know, and Id never ask.
There are people you get really close to and maybe there could be more. And sometimes arent.
Yet you still want to be really close to them.
Things that you miss about that person.
And so many things can remind you of that person
Which can drive a person batty, especially when you are not on speaking terms. And as well havent smoothed things over with the actions you both have done towards eachother. And all you want is their friendship.
I sometimes wonder whats the world got in store for me. For all the crap I have gone thru in my life.
They say if it doesnt kill you it only makes you stronger.
Well Ive been thru so much I feel like an ARMY of strength. And it makes me wonder, why must I have to be so strong yet not completely happy right now for? What the hell am I going to go thru in the future? To get so prepared for now?
I think fuck Im a pretty fucking cool person and hell a god damn bad ass chick!
Yet, here i sit, single, alone, 28 bout to be 29, no children. Been in Love ? Totally not so sure.
Afraid I might not ever have children and being alone, Both totally Huge Fears of mine. And I just i dont know, need someone to comfort me.
I got this huge heart that always gets stomped on. Or so it seems. But I keep on being that person, who forgives and learns and gives and loves.
I cant change that no matter how hard I try.
And yes I get hurt repeatedly and say I wont let it happen again. But I always open myself up for it. Because I forgive to easily. And maybe all this shit is for learning practice for me. Who knows. but it really does suck. And Im tired of this game.
I only try to those I really do care about.
Try to be their friend, try to care try anything...
And that in itself should say alot about me.
And only a few on here Would even KNOW what that means. That I dont give up on people I care for.
Im not sure what this blog is even about...
Prolly just me rambling things off that flow thru my head.
But damn when can a girl get a break?
Im tired of the Lies, being ignored, not telling the WHOLE Truth, avoiding, assholes, non caring fucks.
Im an honest person. I try to always tell the truth and whats on my mind. I just would like that back in return. No matter how much YOU think it might hurt me. In the end the truth U tried to spare my feelings for, so you lie, actually ends up Hurting my feelings the most.
You lie to those who DONT Deserve the Truth
And right there.. U lie to me.. U think I dont deserve it.
And you just put me where Im not worth much to you in your heart, and if thats the case...
Then I dont need you in my life.
And Yea I may not be perfect either.
You may end up hurting me and I may end up saying or doing a few actions towards you because i hurt. But eventually I do apologize for it, even thou I dont think I really need to. But I do. I really dont want to hurt anyones feelings. Thats not me. I may not speak up enough to certain people that might be hurting my feelings, and I may keep it bundled up inside, til it explodes like a valcano. but thats me. I try to shrugg it off.
I am just me, and thats all I try to be.
When will someone Try for Me as Hard as I would Try for them ?
And WHy is it, past few years, Every guy wants me so badly, and then its always, the case they arent ready for the relationship? Why are these the only guys that seem to frolic towards me? And its not like I go out looking for these types. I dont even go looking. Usually something that just happens. Start talkng turns to more, but when you get close or even right before that. Breaks turns on ! And its always not ready to settle. This is really starting to annoy me. Im starting to think Im going to have to just say no, everytime. Put the brick wall Back Up. And hope someone knows how to chip it down.
Maybe someone who Will TRY Hard enough, just Might break it down.
We will see.. And I hate to say this, but Only time will tell !
Bah
back to my dark corner
