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Entry for June 09, 2006 Luck is always twisted........



first off.........i want to say that if you have been going to my other page then start checking this one as well.your boy been going through alot. and what's worst is how i still try to extend myself to others with all that has been going on. Luck is always twisted. I think that as a result of that my mind has now gone that same way. Luck always goes in tow ways, so i'll give you the good news first. I just got a new job and looking foward to all that comes with that. it's a good thing to have doe that you can spend when you want. Although for the last four months I have been working temp jobs and with that money made the bank has gotten all but 300 bucks of a little over 6 g's, I have really had to pinch pennys ya'll but i'm still proud of the fact that i have stayed focused on what has to be done without seeking advice or help from anyone. %#&@$!, 6 g's can do alot for you when you don't have much going for you and not that I'm complaining but i really wish i could or would have just done some nice things for myself. but living arrangments are most important in my situation right now, so that money had to be saved. I don't share my thoughts about my problems with pp (not even my friends) cause I feel i can solve them myself plus everyone is going through something of their own. Anyone who knows me know i hold family to the highest regaurd. and I have been going through a very trying and testing problem of personal regaurds when it comes to my love life. If you read any of my poems you already know I'm so deeply in love with someone who doesn't love me. I can live with that. But without getting into that I'll tell you the meat of my heartaches instead.

The very day that I filled out my appt. for my new gig, I got some very disturbing news. I found out that my mom, who is my best friend and the only person i've got, may have lung cancer. well later it was told to her that maybe instead of lung cancer it might be breast cancer. and even with all that going on I still tried to be a friend to everyone else. cause that's the type of person I am. I even found time to be moms moral suport first and foremost. On top of that I helped a good friend move and alot more and cause I gave them my word that I would. that's all I have is my word not even my balls cause I feel that they might go sooner or later...lol.....j/k. But what %#&@$!s me up the worst is that through all of this going on, moms cancer scare, me getting %#&@$!ted on by someone i care about even though I know it's not the same in return and still being there to help them when noone else is, having no real money to spend and just getting over strep throat..........I should have lost it. But i stayed strong. thought that would be the end of the bad. My birthday creeping up on me, this should be and usaully is a time to celebrate. Not for me. today i found out that my mom has to have surgary on my birthday..........Luck is twisted ain't it?






For Her......
for her 2/08/06



overwhelming,

I lay in the dark imaging her here and I can almost feel her.
In a bed so empty except for myself, yet I can almost hear her.
I can smell her perfume in the room, find her hair in my clothes
but she's not around. And thats overwhelming.


I see her in my head when I close my eyes.
Unprepared for my emotions.
I remember conversations of the past.
Unprepared for my devotions.
I stop and try to prepare myself
Im so dedicated to her, clearly with no convictions.
Forced complications with no commitments.
Thinking about her is so overwhelming







JUST A THOUGHT!


THIS JUST A THOUGHT!

I'm just going to go off the head, so please bare with me.......First off I want to say a lot of the old saying that I know of are usaully true, but only to a certain level. Some are way off point. For example, ever heard the one that love hurts? Well that one is the one I find trouble with. I can't honestly believe this to be true even though I have gone through and witnessed myself, the saying to be true. But then again, only to a certain point. When descussing this same thought with a friend, he disagreed with me and told me that I was simply looking at it on a negitive slant. He then went on to point out various senerios in which he could prove me wrong. By reminding me of a friend who had previouly gone through a hurtful relationship. Our friend who we will call Lucky, for privacy purposes, had been in this new relatinship only about two months when he started getting serious about this woman named Naomi(fake name again) who he met by mistake. Feeling like he should let Naomi know how he felt, Lucky decided to tell her how he felt. But he noticed that everytime he told her he loved her after that, she never returned it. She'd simply say in retun, "ok'. When we asked him if she ever said she loved him and he informed us that she said it a lot before he told her he was serious about thier union. Only three day after he bared his soul to Naomi, she told him she needed space. Lucky was throwed off by that needless to say and went into a depression. But less than three weeks went by and he was back with this same Naomi. That lasted about 2 more months when she again needed her own space and Lucky was then told all of his unseen flaws. Lucky was so much in love with this chick that he didn't even want to move on. He just lived a in home lifestyle which for him was not who he once was. Soon Lucky would grow tired of that. And it wasn't because Lucky fell out of love, but he had come to a point where he understood that which was the absolute truth. He finally got what she was saying to him. But there again I had to point out that lucky indeed was still very much in love with Naomi. Lucky was so much in love that even when he tried to move on he couldn't. I asked him just how much did Naomi care for him in return if she cared at all. Lucky informed me that she had told him she cares a great deal for him but she wasn't in love with him. He then went on to tell us that he had just excepted that she didn't feel the same for him and that even that wouldn't help change how he felt. And as a result the cycle went on and on over and over again. In every time this cycle restarts itself, the situations got more intense and hurtful for him. Naomi cheated on him and lied. ok I say cheated but in Naomi's eyes this was not cheating because she wasn't committed to Lucky. Ok my friend and I both was a bit confused about that one but even if she is right, I still feel that she is responsible enough to tell a guy that yes I do see other guys and yes we have sex, which she did niether. Which brings me to this point. If Naomi cared for him that would be the right thing to do and then at least let him make decide if he was ok with that or not. Well to make a otherwise long story short, lucky did eventually move on but he did the same in return......Lucky started seeing other women and sleeping with them and Naomi as well, but he never told her and when she found out she was pissed. She simply didn't like to be done how she does everyone else. Lucky and Naomi still %#&@$!s around to this day in a unrewarding and unfulfilling sexual, if anything meaningless relationship. So I again ask.....should love hurt? and if it does is that love?........; One Love! Lbs




Untitled 2
2/28/06


untitled 2


I could see myself waiting, watching for her.
I didn't see myself that way years ago.
Now i know otherwise. I saw nothing while looking,
but she did appear. And when she did she had that look
that I'd become familier with and I saw that which I knew
all along.

In all the watching, I was blind and saw what I wanted.
I saw my would be perfect world for what it really was.
I knew I'd lost ground and stopped moving forward.
I lost all I had to hold on to. but I couldn't lose love.
It was always there to remind me of what I had lost.

I saw myself waiting, watching, wanting.
She never came back....








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..>






AN A AND B CONVERSATION:

B: happy thanks giving
A: same to you....
A: how have you been?
B: i have been ok and u
B: i know u ok
A: nope.....but i will live
B: can we talk about it or u stll wanna be secretive?
A: just don't talk about my problems
B: umm well if u do wanna ever i will always be a ear for u lol or eoes
B: eyes
A: ok
B: lets get blowed
A: i did
B: lol well i need to get on ur level
A: yep try'n catch up
B: lol
B: man A what a %#&@$! gotta do to get a real nigga
A: thought you had one
B: lol what a joke
A: you said you did
B: man im sitting here looking at his phone and he been textng exes and %#&@$! all these hoes
B: damn
B: i just cant get a winner
B: the devil follows me
B: he got his phone on silent
A: what's wrong with texting?
B: and a %#&@$! text him im like whose mona he stuck for three minutes
A: ain't like he there with them....
B: nothing at all but why hide it
B: his %#&@$! got everybody else text in there but the %#&@$!
A: i don't know sweetie?
B: hey dont start defending him
B: its dead wrong
B: niggas just dont know how to act
A: know i'm playig advocate
A: if he wrong he's wrong
B: u a nigga so im asking u why yall play so many games
A: %#&@$!.....no good i guess.....cause i don't do %#&@$! like that........women are the same %#&@$!.......look at my situation for starters
B: u know what im just gonna turn my honest faithful %#&@$! loose im tyired of this %#&@$! here
A: what would that accomplish?
B: well ur situation is crazy u shoulda knew the u had signs
B: %#&@$! im just tired of looking stupid
B: man i need me a white man or something its all good
A: yeah but that ain't a reason for the %#&@$! to happen....everyone is different.....or so i thought.....that's why i give everyone a chance.....
A: LMAO......really?
B: this nigga all in my ear telling me he loves me and what have a baby with me but heslying like a tyical %#&@$! nigga
A: lol
B: im not tryna be funny t all so stop laughing
B: im tryna vent to u and u just laugh at me
A: stop tripping.....vent sweetie....i'm listening
B: i want advice as well i wanna know why %#&@$!
B: why when a nigga get a good woman yall dont know how to keep them?
A: look you could just look at it like this.......he didn't want that in the beginning
B: man i pissed right now and hes laying there all dumbfounded like oh its just a broad that be typing me everyday i dont write her back
B: yes
B: u right
A: or he just don't understand...........whatever the reason he just wrong if you've told him....
A: and i can't tell you how a wicked mind thinks........I only try to do right
B: and he wanna get mad casue im on the computer alot questioning me one day he wanted to talk to u we had a power %#&@$!ing struggle over it
A: I've never cheated
A: really????????
A: WOW
B: yes really
B: he deleted some of my friends
B: and just acts so silly
B: but its all good im gonna fix his %#&@$!
A: how?
B: im about to do my damn thing
B: everyday a nigga hollas at me
B: im gonna date around
A: then you would be doing what you ain't
B: he knows it nigga try to holla at me when he around
A: get past him first then go date
B: soo what i gotta start dogging niggas out like they dog me
B: me and this nigga just signed a lease together
B: so it aint that easy
A: that's on you......but would you be happy?
B: damn i am a big %#&@$! fool
B: who cares i aint happy either way
A: nope just trusting....like me
A: sorry sweetie
B: u have no reason to be sorry u not the one playing me for a fool
A: but i really can relate
A: so i'm sorry you had to go through it.......

Inspired by.
Inspired by.
1/1/06


These words are inspired by thoughts connected by anwsers
soughtoutside of self and dispite self all at once.

inspired by love gained and lost, more so the ladder, and that..s ironic
when seen through the eyes of one who loves so much, but fails to gather.

Inspired by lies, both fact and imagined.
I..m confused by things that happened
or did they happen.
my thinking so complexed by sex and words said without thought.
Use to sex without end now cut off.

And when I get it again I shed tears cause I realize I..ve been used.
Usage that pleasured us both so that I..m used again and enjoyed it.

Embarassed by the way I see myself.
Unable to grab hold of it.
I push it away and vow not to love it.
Unawre of what is, but know it by touch. But denied it
so that i..m not aware and know nothing at all.

Once so completly involved, now so completly seperate and
not included.
once so consumed yet pushed aside and expected
to be unasuming.
forced to asume cause my love sent out with warmth is
returned with ice.
Secluded without understanding.
I..m asking for too much, out of touch with
my own thoughts and feelings and such

No sane person would ask for it and still for it I..m
asking for it... PLEASE?











TIME FOR A SMALL SMOKE BREAK......










What Would?

What Would?
6/17/06

What would make you love someone?
For me it would be those things that made me see that which I wouldn't have before.
But what would make you love someone?
I'd imagine it to be the very thing I lack.
What would make you love someone?
For me it's what you do that you are not aware of.
But what would make you love someone?
I'd imagine you don't believe there is love.
What would make you love someone?
For me it's how you saw through my short comings
and how you excepted me when you knew I had nothing.
But what would make you love someone?
If iI had evrything you could want I'd still be short of yours
and I know you would choose someoneelses if they was what you adored.
I ask for your love before I sleep at night.
You'd look at me and laugh saying yeah right.
I'd love you if hate was the only emotion left
you'd hate me first and I'll say it but you play deaf.
I know you love some one but if he was the one who loved you he'd be there.
I love you for no reasons and you reject mine and I'm told to come no where near.
Out of all before me I love you the most,
but you pushing me away you must hate me the most





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Entry for August 20, 2006 What would you do
What would you do? update august 14, 2006



I was just in a situation a few days ago. This situation was one that would make anyone wonder what the %#&@$! is on in the mind of others. ok now let me get on with it. I was with a friend back on the 9th. the day before me and this friend had a dispute about a date that had came up. We had made plans to hang out on this day, well i had made plans, I was told that I was making a big deal about this day for no real solid reason. Needless to say this was a blow to my ego, but i was Icool about it and brushed it off and just went on with my night. I haden't made a choice to even get intouch with this friend after that. The plan was just to let it pass and see what was up at a later date. No sooner then I came home from work, I got a call from this same friend who needed me to do a favor for them, the day after i was told I was putting to much stock in our friendship. Imagine that! Although i should have just told this person no because I was busy doing something else, I tried to do the right thing by doing what I always do, help my friend.



On arrival at my friends place, i had instructed her daughter to call her at work and tell her i had arrived to do her the favor. I was then informed by my friend once I got her on the phone that the favor was not need because other curcumstances would likly prevent me from achieveing the desired results. I was then told the reason i couldn't do what she originally asked me to do, but because she was at work i was told to stay there by the phone cause she had to change phones and she would call me right back. well i waited but remember that i was in the middle of doing something else before i was asked to do the favor. but i did stay and wait awhile but decided to leave for many reasons other then i was busy. i told her daughter to tell her i'd call when i got home. Once home i was informed that she had called and left a message to call her back cause she had beef with me. Shocked, i called and was told the reason for the beef was i never offered my help in the situation. Pissed of and confused i told my friend i would meet her at her job to talk this out.





The dispute was one that I didn't ecxactly need. To me it was a misunderstanding. But at the same time I had the pleasure of being presented with a revilation. I learned that when my friend is mad at anything, even herself, she has to take it out on someone else. I was at least glad to figure this out and told my friend so. I also revealled to her how I saw that I, no matter how I was in my own life, would never be good enough for her as a friend or anything as a matter of fact. I finally understood why as a result of that.

I can't blame her for how she is. Everyone has thier thing that has happen to shape how they develope.

I do love you still.......



But one question before I move on with the update.

Have you ever had that voice in the back of your mind that informs you of unforeseen events about to take place?

You know like a having a dream that is too vivid to ignore. these things are important in developing insight.

do not ignore these small hints......this is important to have an insite in your life that will keep you on your toes. I had such a "lil voice" to say hey take a look at what happening around me during that very next day.



I was glad that my friend and I decided to talk out our dilimma that night. We talked in dept about some of the things that are at foot within our lives...And that in itself was a blessing to me. I am a person who has to have a hold or a grasp on a situation and I must achieve it on a communication level. that's the key to a healthy relationship, friendship or romantic......



Ok now after all of that, me and this friend of mine had a nice night. We haven't had a night like that in a long time. I wanted to go back home but was told we should hang out. my friend needed me to loan her money for her situation in which she would repay me the next day. I was willing and ready to help. but on my way to the bank I got this feeling, well lets call it this voice as I referred to before, that said don't do it.

so I followed that voice's advice. I told my friend that my banks computers was down and couldn't get the money. she was pissed and behind my back she called my bank. who infored her that the cpu's was ok.

she then thought I was a lier.......lol I was shocked and kinda pissed about it, but i kept up with the lie....and that in itself was bad on my part. I am not a lier but I just did the one thing I despise in others and was so disappointed in myself but I would have to deal with that on my own.

but this was all for a reason. I just let thing play out after that. I was hurt that my friend went behind my back like that, but even that was for a reason. Two days later I had the oppertunity to meet a guy that was %#&@$!ing around with my friend back in april.....Confronted with this of corse she said no which in turn proved she lied twice......What would you do?..............LBs!













AGAIN?
Again 3/22/06


It happened again. I guess I was looking the other way.
I guess I missed it but it did go by.
How is it that while you were yelling at the top of your voice, I didn..t hear you?
How is it that the very thing you said, was the same thing I said when we had that falling out before?
Over and done with but I hear it again and again like deafining echos drowning out my own thoughts......

Past and present coliding but not touching. your gone but your memory haunting me and reminding me of what I lost....My only true friend and lover. I didn..t listen then but now I hear you clearly..........I will miss you







AND NOW THE NEXT SMOKE BREAK











Untitled 2
2/28/06


untitled 2


I could see myself waiting, watching for her.
I didn't see myself that way years ago.
Now i know otherwise. I saw nothing while looking,
but she did appear. And when she did she had that look
that I'd become familier with and I saw that which I knew
all along.

In all the watching, I was blind and saw what I wanted.
I saw my would be perfect world for what it really was.
I knew I'd lost ground and stopped moving forward.
I lost all I had to hold on to. but I couldn't lose love.
It was always there to remind me of what I had lost.

I saw myself waiting, watching, wanting.
She never came back....



Laughing.........
2/17/06


laughing,


They laughing at me. they can see it on my face.
They can see the hurt and all that attached to it.
they laugh cause they felt it too. Knowing what it's like to,
have it all snatched like a purse thief.
And then have the balls to watch with disbelief.

laughing cause I can't seem to help myself over come it.
I've drank so much, I'm numb from it.
Instead I should have learned from it.
I got harmed from it after I was charmed by it. but I'll
Be danmed if I die from it



Who?

2/10/06

who?



why is it when I'm not around, other things,
that I'm not aware of, happen that come back to hunt me.
Did I cause this or that which stings me more than others.
holding out the very thing that would be my demize?
leaving it in the open so the one who
harms me, uses it against me? And laughs with enjoyment?
unfazed nor dazed by your exspessions. who? they ask.
Not me. someone else had to handle the hurt machine and
weld it.
Asking if you feel other than what you do. who would
other than yourself, would want to harm you? Who?