Luv2's blog: "Lavendar Stars"

It is my hope that when you read this you are able to walk away with something that allows you to continue on your journey. Mizery we are friends... always have been.. always will be... I am sorry that your heart is so heavy. Tears My heart is heavy... it feels as though I can not breath ... I want to curl up into a ball and just disappear ... there is a sob welled up in my chest begging to be released ... my soul is filled with tears... I fear that if I open the flood gates I will drown ... I look at my reflection in the mirror... I remember you ... tear stained face ... sad dark eyes ... barely a smile on my lips ... I thought for sure that you were gone ... I thought that I had seen the last of you and your tortured soul ... why have you come back to taunt me? Are you here to remind me that I will never be free of you? How do I make peace with you? ... I need you to be my equal, not someone who wants to tear me down ... How do I make you a part of me that makes me stronger and smarter... sitting hear talking to myself as though I was another person ... Trying to pretend that, that part of me doesn't exist ... running from it as if I were playing hide and seek ... holding my hands up over my eyes, peaking through the cracks between my fingers trying not to look but still seeing everything... I feel like I have no one to turn to... that no one will understand ... my thoughts and emotions make perfect sense to me ... but once I vocalized them everything sounds so ridiculous ... I was told today that I could either let this stop me from continuing on my journey or I could try to avoid how I feel all together or I could approach this distraction slowly and go right over it. I thought that the hurting part was over ... and I am truely surprised that it's not ... and as I was told earlier it is not uncommon to feel as I do ... everybody goes through the same thing when they are on the road to self discovery ... I just wish that it didn't hurt so much ...

More More time.... more of you .... more of me ... more .... I want more... Time and space is probably the most challenging and heartbreaking ... Wanting more leaves you so vulnerable ... it makes you impatient ... it often brings you to a place that leaves you unsure about the decisions that you have made... I want to hold you close and wake up to your beautiful face every morning ... I want to be able to pick up the phone and call you and tell you about all the good things that happened to me on that day ... I want to tell you that I love you more then you know ... I want this to finally be the right time and right place for us ... it has been years in the making and I want this to be our time... Is it so wrong to want more?

I am humbled by you... by your strength.. your friendship... your love Your friendship has truly shown me the meaning of trust and faith... You have tought me that I am worthy, that I deserve all the good things in my life....those things have been said to me before but you really make me believe it... You have shown me that holding my head high and looking forward will change how I see myself and how people will see me... At a time when I trusted no one, out of sheer faith I placed my heart in your hands. You cradled and cared for it as if it were your own. You held it so gently and nutured it as if it were made of the most delicate material. You protected and shielded it from any further damage and gave it the strength it needed. When I think about you, I feel so honored and humbled to be your friend. I give thanks to you everyday for the gift that you have shared with me. You are a kindered soul... you nuture the hearts of those who are lost.... you give them the tools that allow them to grow.... you teach us how to use our energy and skills to plant the seeds that will soon become a forest of strong trees and beautiful fragrant flowers. With your help I now let the sunshine in and allow the rain to fall just enough to wash away what sadness I might feel.... with each tear that is shed another seed sprouts.... promising me that my path is steady and my future fruitful. Thank You... I love and respect you more then words will ever say.

He said... She said... They said... We said... in the end all was said. Weapons were drawn... Shields were in place... as they all stood ready for battle. Accusations catapulted through the air like big fiery balls covered in glass and nails, tearing through trust... faith... love and friendship. Spears and arrows stood ready, points dipped in the poison of doubt and distrust threatening to tear through armor... piercing hearts and leaving behind the horrific sting of all that will be lost. The battlefield strewn with friendships torn to pieces... there is no victory to be claimed here. The air filled with the stench of the burning remains of rage and pride. The combatants stood, wounded but heads held high, hands covered in crushed spirits and broken lives. They will each survive, a piece of their heart left on the battlefield and replaced with what one hopes will make them stronger as the sun sets on this day of reckoning.

Depending on how they are nutured they can grow into beautiful trees that protect you from the elements that fill our days. If nutured by a kindered soul each leaf of these trees represent hope, faith, truthfulness, trust, love, respect and happiness. It is my hope that one day I will be surrounded by a forest of these trees. With their beautiful and strong branches reaching out to the sky letting the rays of the sunlight surround and caress me. And at the same time they protect me from the down pour of a bitter winters day. When Autumn comes their leafs turn into a magnificent golden color. It reminds me of all the treasures that I have in my life and how much I am grateful for. For there is no amount of money that can replace the dreams and love that I hold in my heart. Seedlings....... I choose to craddle them gently..... I choose to give them life that will turn into hope for those around me.... I will tend to them as if they were my children and I will pray that each person in this world is as fortunate as I.

Nobody knows the me that I keep inside... she comes out when the world is asleep .... when my guard is down ... when I know that no one can see ... Almost like a little girl, she looks so lost ... she searches for answers ... she looks for her purpose ... she forces me to look at myself.. my life ... my choices ... the light that surrounds me and the dark that hides within... her eyes so deep and dark... pleading for me to hear her... she sheds a single tear... we wipe it away at the same time ... nobody knows the me that I keep inside... the one that cries when the world is asleep ... nobody knows...

Take my hand.... You do not have to be afraid because there is nothing to fear here. I slowly reach forward ... hand shaking.... my eyes glisten and a single tear falls.... I pull my arm back... I'm afraid.... I know what it is that you offer.... I have waited my entire life.... Please forgive my hesitation..... I am so unsure....I fought so hard to get where I am....its been a long hard road.... but I am still scared....I fear that I am not ready... that I will fail.... that I will be a disappointment.... I don't know what to do.... It is almost midnight... the world is asleep... I am here ..... listening to my heart.... letting the healing process take its course... my emotions run from one extreme to the next.... I think that it is normal to feel as I do.... I think that in time all will heal...... My heart is kept in a beautiful red velvet box, under lock and key... protected from harm, from disappointment and from love.....the key lays right next to it in full view.....shining brightly in the night... the lights dance off of it filling the room with stars....I reach for it and and slide it into the lock... click......removing the key I lay it back down next to the box....I sit and wait.... I look around the room to make sure that I am alone... that no one is there to steal the key or to force me to open the box... exposing my heart.... How did you know that I would love you?...... I doubt every emotion that I feel.... I am not sure if what I feel is real ......my life is like a jigsaw puzzle with mismatched pieces.....my emotions and definition of things forced together just so they "fit"..... leaving behind anxiety and doubt..............so forgive me if I do not recognize you or accept what you have to offer....How did you know that I would love you?

A smile... A glance... A whisper... watching as your fingers slowly trace the outline of your neck... your shoulder... your chest.... Your eyes... dark... deep... warm... revealing all that remains unsaid... Your mouth... lips full... soft... turned up at the corners... a perfect smile... I whisper, "Tell me"... Looking straight at me... your stare caressing my heart... "My God, you have no idea." ... One finger to my lips... kissing it softly...wanting to reach up and place it on yours.... soft sigh... I want lie next to you... my head resting on your chest... listening to your heartbeat...arms and legs intertwined... becoming one... Lying in the darkness surrounded by lavendar stars...red silk robe lying on the floor...there is no other place that I would rather be...