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optimisticlady's blog: "Kelly"

created on 05/31/2007  |  http://fubar.com/kelly/b87544

the girl on the train

The Girl On The Train A month-long holiday in Europe had seemed like such a good idea. Jamie was starting out in Holland, land of windmills and clogs... and unrestricted access to cannabis, a small fact he had neglected to bring to the attention of his parents before setting out. Now it was one in the morning, his plane had been delayed, and he was standing in a cold railway station under Schiphol Airport awaiting a train to Utrecht where he had a room. Not only was he cold and tired, but he had heard from a guy on the plane that Holland had clamped down on sales of drugs to non-Dutch people. Aside from the random announcements which Jamie could not understand, the station was almost totally silent... so he was a little surprised when he heard footsteps on the concrete. He looked up to see a girl appearing from behind one of the concrete posts which held the airport's meeting area and shopping arcade over their heads. She had a lot of long, red-brown hair. Her body was largely hidden by a long, leather coat, but she was wearing shiny five-inch boots which gave her something of a dominant demeanor. She looked at Jamie as she passed, green eyes boring into him before flicking away as if dismissing him. She marched on down the platform, spike heels clicking, hips swaying with each step. Despite the dismissive look he had received, Jamie felt his cock harden. The sound of the train arriving broke Jamie from his thoughts and he stood, walking forward to the edge of the platform. He waited for the doors to open and then climbed aboard, taking one look down the platform in the direction the girl had gone. There was no sign of her. He shrugged and found a seat where he could store his rucksack safely. He slumped into the seat, made sure his ticket was to hand in case an inspector came along and closed his eyes. Soon he was drifting, his mind filled with long legs in vinyl boots. The sound of the carriage connecting door bursting open jarred him awake and he was automatically lifting the ticket he was still holding for inspection when his eyes focused and he spotted the girl in the leather coat standing in the doorway, looking at him. He blinked a couple of times and looked back at her, and then she seemed to make her mind up and walked toward him, slipping into the seat diagonally opposite in the block of four he had chosen to occupy. Her left boot brushed against the leg of his jeans as she sat down and once again Jamie felt his cock stiffen in response to her presence. She said nothing, simply sat watching him, her green eyes fixed on his face. “Hi,” Jamie said. The only response he got was her eyes sliding down from his face to his feet, as if appraising him, and then rising to his face again. “I'm Jamie, pleased to meet you.” His second attempt at conversation was met with no more reaction than the first. He settled back into his seat and concluded that hot Dutch girls were unlikely to be interested in some guy who couldn't speak their language and was operating on a not terribly large budget. “Well, nice talking to you,” he said, and then he closed his eyes and began to drift a little once more. He wasn't sure what brought him awake, but he found himself looking up at a ticket inspector. He handed over his ticket, got a dull smile in return and pushed the ticket into his jeans pocket before settling back. The girl was still there, her eyes still on him. He wondered if he should check his wallet. He heard the inspector close the connecting door as he left the carriage and the girl began to move. Slowly, her hands rose to her coat and began to undo the buttons. As she reached the final one she pulled the coat aside and leaned back in her seat. Under the coat, she was wearing a brocade-covered black satin corset and a leather skirt which did not cover a huge amount of her thighs. Lace-topped stockings were attached to the corset under the skirt. The stocking tops were quite visible, along with a strip of creamy thigh. Her breasts were large and filled the corset very effectively. Jamie's cock tried its best to burst out through his jeans. She did nothing, said nothing. She just sat back in the train seat and watched him. Her legs began to sway from closed knees to open and back again. Jamie could hear her boots creaking slightly as the vinyl flexed. Aside from that, all he could hear was his heart hammering in his chest. Slowly, languorously, she stretched, knitting her fingers over her head and then stretching her arms upward until her spine cracked. The action pushed her breasts forward as her back arched and Jamie swallowed hard. She settled back, relaxing into her seat and spreading her legs. Her left knee rested against Jamie's thigh and stayed there, rubbing slightly as she shifted a little. She seemed in no hurry to remove it. Almost involuntarily, Jamie leaned forward a little and rested his hand on that stocking-clad knee, expecting a rebuke that did not come. She just watched him, her eyes shimmering with sparkling green highlights. His hand moved from her knee up onto her thigh, slipping sideways to her inner thigh. Finally he got some reaction, the girl let out a tiny, soft gasp as his fingers scraped over her stocking. His hand slid upward, finding the lace and then soft flesh. As the tips of his fingers crossed the band of lace and contacted skin her eyes slid slowly closed and when they opened again, they were hooded and filled with lust. Jamie's fingers skittered across the skin of her inner thigh, reaching under the leather skirt. The girl whimpered slightly, her fists clenching and opening as he slowly moved his hand to her panties... Except his fingers touched the soft folds of her pussy lips rather than fabric. She was wearing nothing under the skirt, and she was very wet. With almost no effort, and less thought, Jamie slid a pair of fingers into her, watching her eyes as they widened with the intrusion. Slowly, he curled his fingers and began to slide them in and out of her. She moaned and allowed her eyes to close, lying back in the seat and slumping forward to give him easier access. He moved, shifting left to sit between her spread legs, his left hand continuing to work in and out of her pussy while his right passed over it to begin massaging her clitoris. Her hands were now gripping the armrests of the seat tightly and her legs were braced, lifting her bottom off the seat cushion slightly. Another minute or two and her hips began to jerk involuntarily, pushing Jamie's fingers harder into her. Her eyes opened and she stared at him with a combination of intense lust and a hint of something like fear. Then her head rocked back and she was struggling to contain the cries of pleasure as the orgasm ripped through her. As she relaxed, Jamie slid his hands out from her skirt, wondering what would happen now. The girl writhed in her seat, her hands sliding her coat from her shoulders. She smiled at him and reached out for the hand he had had inside her. Her mouth opened wide and she sucked his fingers in, cleaning off her juices. Her other hand landed on his cock, still covered by his jeans and shorts. He felt her undo the zip of his fly, and then the button of the waistband. She stood, taking his fingers out of her mouth, and he rose with her. There was a restroom cubicle close by, he started toward it. Her hand on his chest stopped him. She shook her head and reached behind her own back. He heard a zip, and then she was dropping her skirt to the floor. She turned and planted her knees wide apart on the seat she had been sitting on. She dropped her arms over the back of the chair and bent forward, lifting her behind up for his approval. “S-someone could come in,” Jamie said, except that his hands were already pushing his pants and shorts down his legs. She reached down with one hand, sliding a finger into her own pussy with a soft moan and then pulling it out. She licked the juices off her index finger while looking back at him, eyes glittering. He positioned himself behind her and slid his cock in. She was tight and almost physically hot; his cock felt wrapped in velvet. She moaned and pushed her hips back to meet him. He began to move inside her, his hands closing around her satin-wrapped waist as the sheer insanity of what he was doing overcame him and all he knew was that he wanted to cum inside this woman. Her own orgasm did not seem to have diminished her lust. Jamie could feel her pushing her hips back as he stroked in. Her inner muscles were clenching and relaxing, and her arms were trembling as she held onto the back of the seat. It felt like seconds and hours all at the same time, but the sensation of orgasm building within Jamie finally erupted when he felt her muscles clamp down hard and her back arched, flicking her hair across his face as she came. He bit down on his own cries of pleasure this time, finally collapsing backwards into his seat. Gasping for breath, Jamie watched as she pushed her skirt into her coat pocket, put the coat on and buttoned it, and headed for the carriage door she had come from. An announcement came over the tannoy and Jamie heard the word 'Utrecht' in amongst the Dutch. He pulled up his pants and struggled to get his bag down before running to the connecting door and into the next carriage. There was no sign of her. The train pulled into Utrecht Station and Jamie got down onto the platform. He waited to see if the girl would follow him, but no one else seemed to leave the train before it left the station, and he saw no faces in the carriages as they went past. Alone again, but feeling rather better than he had done, Jamie headed into Utrecht to find out where he was staying.

Sometime.................

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there... to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but then you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. and sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

Bloging

I remember when I first started blogging here. I was "new". I started browsing, was impressed at how Fu was NOT the next Myspace. Soon after I found inspiration in a random drive-by here on fu. I don't know if I was just lucky that day but finding the fu "user" Exir changed my whole blogging experience, literally. A new niche in online blogging soon made it into my normal daily routine. I blogged and blogged, re-designed, conformed. After a year I found myself slowly digressing into the blahs of fubar changes". I really believe it did start with the removal of java use. For myself, what made stand apart from the rest was the freedom it offered. In time that freedom was slowly stripped away leaving many long time bloggers here with very little options for self expression. Allthough many found unique ways around these changes, I still believe it was a hard slap to our intelligence to substitute our freedoms of expression with the likes of "widgets" that appeared to be right from Seseme Street. (I do ramble on about nothing, alot). After a long hiatus, I found that simplicity best suits my daily life. If anything, life here on f is simplistic. The community of people I have come to cherish over the past couple of years is refreshing. So here I am, may stay, may go but for this moment I am blogging. I won't do it daily, I may be rude or sarcastic when I feel like it and if I don't like you I will tell you to move along. I only have one question now ...... If I start blogging again, will "Beefshaker" aka gryffin come back to blog? I really enjoy his wit and his saavy for Flash ... and well dammit it just is not fubar without him. "Enough already she says..."

Friday

Now, I know you're not supposed to accept a date for the weekend after Wednesday and stuff, but the guy I just met and mentioned in my last post (Intense Dave) was all, "I am so into you I will call you tomorrow and must see you immediately" (I'm paraphrasing) that I figured I still had the upper hand. Well, I guess I was wrong because the weekend is almost over and I still haven't gotten a phone call. Evan, my ex, was in town this weekend, though, and he gave me something else to do other than obsess over why the new guy didn't call when he said he would. We'd had dinner in the restaurant of his hotel, and had such a lovely time that we decided to head right up to his room for a nightcap. Fast forward to an hour later… Evan and I were lying in his bed. He was shirtless, in his boxer briefs, his short black hair askew. I was in a bra, skirt and one black high-heeled Mary Jane. I had just told him that, despite the fact that part of me really, really wanted to do it, I just couldn't have sex with him. "I miss the good old days," he said when I broke the news that this was as far as we were going to go that night. He propped himself up on one elbow and squinted at me with his patented blend of intensity and mockery. "Huh?" I asked. "You mean when we were a couple?" "Hell no," he said. "Those days weren't any fun. Well, they had their moments, overall not so much. I mean the good old days when I'd come into town, get a hotel room, and we'd go at it. Like what we should be doing right now." "Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I don't know. I just kind of want to meet someone normal and fall in love and have a real relation ship, you know? This casual stuff isn't really doing it for me anymore." "Boo," he replied. "No seriously," I continued, giving him a light punch on the arm. "I've been seeing a therapist, and trying to figure out why I'm so bad at relationships…" "Stop it with that sexy talk," he said, pulling me on top of him. "Can we at least make out a little bit more? I promise I won't attempt anything intercourse-like." So we did. And he kept his promise. And I spent the night. It was nice, but I think the next time Evan's in town, we'll catch up over dinner and then skip the hotel room visit. New job, new standards … I must be growing up or something.

Why we get high

Almost all of you have gotten "high." You might call it "getting stoned" or "tripping" or "having a session" or "going on vision quest" or "partying" but the urge to switch channels and move to another and less usual state of consciousness is as old as our species itself. Actually the quest for intoxication is even older! Ronald Siegel, in his book, Intoxication, documents numerous animal species and most of the various human cultures that strive to get high or as he calls it, to intoxicate themselves. Siegel proposes that after food, drink and sex, "Intoxication is the fourth drive." He demonstrates through zoological and sociological evidence, that the urge to get high is among the most basic of motivations. Andrew Weil, M.D., and Wilfred Rosen, in their wonderful introductory book From Chocolate to Morphine, explaining psychoactive drugs for the young reaffirms this idea. They point out: Human beings it seems, are born with the need for periodic variations in consciousness. The behavior of young children supports this idea. Infants rock themselves into blissful states, many children discover that whirling or spinning is a powerful technique to change awareness, some also experiment with hyperventilation (rapid deep breathing) followed by mutual chest squeezing or choking, and tickling to produce paralyzing laughter. Even though these practices may produce some uncomfortable results such as dizziness or nausea, the whole experience is so reinforcing that children do it again and again, often despite parental objections. Since children all over the world engage in these activities, the desire to change consciousness does not seem to be a product of a particular culture but rather to arise from something basic. As children grow older they find that certain available substances put them in similar states. The attractiveness of drugs is that they provide an easy quick route to these experiences. Many drug users talk about getting high. Highs are states of consciousness marked by feeling of euphoria, lightness, self-transcendence, concentration and energy. People who never take drugs also seek out highs. In fact, having high experiences just as laughter and dreaming seem to be necessary to our physical and mental health. Perhaps that is why a desire to alter normal consciousness exists in everyone and why people pursue the experiences even though they are sometimes uncomfortable side effects. Most of us do it, but how many of you have asked what I believe is a fundamental question: "Why do I get high?" Certainly many of us would be better off if they asked this question each time they set about taking a mind-changing compound. Culturally and as a species, we must also ask this question in its collective sense, "Why do we get high?" I believe the urge to get high is essential in nature and that in the future -- it will shape the evolution of our species. While I don't propose to have the complete answer to this enormous question, here are some of my thoughts. Let's begin by looking at some of the most extreme or intense states or goals of a number of mind (and matter) changing technologies including lucid dreaming, psychedelic drugs, virtual reality, sensory deprivation, near-death experiences and nanotechnology. In each of these experiential phenomena, there is movement from the structured experience of the ego as it filters the world of consensual, well-boundaried reality into experience which is less structured and with less defined or even no boundaries at all. Stephen LeBerge's outstanding book, Lucid Dreams, first popularized perhaps the most incredible dream experience imaginable, lucid dreaming. Lucid dreams occur for some people rarely and other more frequently and others not at all. They are dreams in which the dreamer "wakes up" while still dreaming and can then begin to change the dream as he or she likes. There is a tremendous amount of freedom that accompanies this experience, in that it empowers the dreamer to create any experience they desire. Certainly this lies at the far edge of the domain of dreaming which also encompasses dream analysis and dream journals. In the realm of consciousness change catalyzed by the major psychedelic drugs, of which there are many, the most common being LSD, mescaline and the sacred mushroom of Mexico. Users debate which experience is the "highest" ranging from experiences of what Stanislov Grof calls the "metacosmic void" and "supracosmic mind" experiences of transcendent awareness to Terence McKenna's vision of machine elves babbling about the end of time in the year 2012. What is most psychedelic explorers report though as their most profound experiences are those in which the "tripper" can loosen the boundaries to the point of creating whatever experience he or she wishes. They may experience this as a fast moving collection of experiences or "realities." Tim Leary calls the measuring quotient of this psychedelic stream R.P.S. -- "realities per second." While recalling Timothy Leary, we should remember that it was the venerable philosopher of the psychedelic world that introduced many of us to virtual reality (VR). Virtual reality is the experience of a simulation of reality induced through sensory apparatus driven by a computer. VR had it's birth with the military but has found its way into commercial applications including amusement parks in Silicon Valley, where youth flock to play computer games that use helmets and gloves instead of video screen and joystick. The cyberpunk genre of science fiction, including authors William Gibson, Bruce Sterling and Greg Bear have collectively created a future in which virtual reality travel into vast computer networks become a way of life. Non-fiction books as well, including those by authors Howard Reingold, Myron Kruger and Brenda Laurel all point to a future VR technology in which humans interact in a "cyberspace" environment completely created by computer simulation. G. Harry Stein in his non-fiction book, The Silicon Gods, even speculates that we will be able to put on non-evasive helmets with links between the brain and computer directly with the brain, skipping body suits and gloves entirely. Brett Leonard's film Lawnmower Man tells the story of an evolving VR technology that synergizes with biofeedback and nootrophic drugs that permit its pioneer explorer access a reality that allows him access the electronic nervous system of earth, freeing him from the constraints of his body -- and his humanity. As in lucid dreaming and psychedelic exploration, the goal in VR is the freedom to create and to explore realities without bounds. It's goal may be achieved sometime in the early decades of the new Millennium. In the mid-Sixties, scientist John Lilly, M.D., built the first sensory deprivation tank while working on a National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) sponsored project in the Virgin Islands. Sensory deprivation is, as the name implies, a state in which all of our normal senses are virtually restricted. Earlier studies had shown that experimental subjects would report hallucinations when confined in rooms with no stimulus for several days. Lilly build a coffin-like tank that circulated salt water at body temperature and which included a lid that shut out light and sound. In salt water, humans float and so taking having a sensory deprivation session is often times called "floating." Lilly's excursions into the tank confirmed earlier reports of hallucinatory mental journeys while in sensory deprivation. Perhaps it is no coincidence that NIMH has also handed John Lilly some LSD --with instructions never to take it alone. He told me, in an interview in 1971, that the reason for this was that another researcher had taken it alone, and had to be rescued when he thought that his heart had turned into an coo-coo clock and was striking the hour. Lilly ignored the warnings and his experiences and resultant mapping of consciousness as revealed by sensory deprivation and psychedelic compounds became the subject of a number of his books including Programming and Metaprogramming the Human Biocomputer, The Deep Self, Center of the Cyclone and his recent second autobiography, John Lilly...So Far published in 1991 by J.P. Tarcher and Company. In each, sensory deprivation experiences, with or without powerful augmentation by large does of Ketamine or LSD, became a way in Lilly was able to "Fix a hole where the rain gets in and stops his mind from wandering," as the Beatles once sang. Another fascinating area in which the consciousness is freed to take new direction has been reported by people having Near Death Experiences (NDE). These are people who have had a close brush with death, but survived. The reports from these individuals traverses a wide range of experiences and are reported on in books by Raymond Moody and Kenneth Ring. Like the other experiences we have considered, these NDE experiences free one up from normal worldly constraints and provide for a much wider range of experience than we enjoy here on Planet Earth. One last "consciousness-changing" technology that I will mention is purely theoretical -- nanotechnology. Nanotechnology as a popular notion was first popularized by Engines of Creation by Eric Drexler. It suggests that as robot machines become smaller and smaller, eventually we will get to the point where they can reconstruct the world according to instructions given by humans. By manipulating subatomic particles, these robots can do the work that chemists do but without the usual barriers that chemistry presents us with. The result is that material reality itself can be reconstructed. Certainly, psychotherapy as is it currently constituted is an art more than a science. One thing that became clear to me. Psychotherapy seems to change it's language and theoretical framework every few years. New buzzwords and truisms quickly become adopted by the members of the psychological profession. For one cohort of psychologists, early childhood development is the "cause" of all their patients problems, A few years later, a new generation of psychologists proclaim that only the present moment should be talked about. Then later, the pendulum swings the other way. Therapy and it's parent psychology are in their early infancy in understanding and controlling the human mind and nervous system. transpersonal experience and other altered states of consciousness induced by hypnosis, mediation, guided imagery, psychoactive compounds and a variety of other means of inducing are certainly part of a the repertoire of a small minority of current psychotherapists. These psychotherapists and psychiatrists feel more akin to the shaman of tribal cultures. Some nanotechnologists speculate that eventually, we can reconstruct ourselves through nanotechnology aided genetic engineering and the material world according to our specifications. We may learn to shape the world as a sculpture shapes a statue. Why do we do it? What is the purpose of human experience, whether intentional or accidental, which thrusts us into new and unfamiliar realities. Certainly these other modes of conscious experience are not all pleasant, which is perhaps why Huxley named the sequel to Doors of Perception, Heaven and Hell. Yet like the microscope or telescope do, they allow us glimpses into parts of the universe and ourselves that we previously did not know existed. It is only through this relativistic way of viewing reality that we can get a inkling of what it the fabric of life is really all about, because we gain views an perspectives. Getting high also challenges the very fabric of mind. The classic psychological theorist Freud, called these kinds of experiences "regression" in service of the ego. According to Freud, these mind adventures are excursions into the realm of the id or infantile awareness for the benefit of the adult personality. Jung disputed this view, stating that these experiences were spiritual in nature and helped us to get in touch with our collective unconscious in the same way that psychotherapy helped us get in touch with our personal unconscious. It was left for contemporary psychological theorist Ken Wilier, a to explain the relationship and finally reconciles these two polar vies. Eye to Eye: the Quest for a New Paradigm, Wilber points out that Freud and Jung have staked out territories on both sides of what he calls the pre-trans fallacy. This fallacy, to capsulize Wilber, is that there is a great deal of confusion when looking at altered states of consciousness and individual growth. This confusion is between experiences which transcend the ego and those that are regression from it into more primitive or less evolutionary modes of functioning. Transcendental experience is experiences that go beyond the ego but also continue of maintain and encompass the ego. Transcendental experiences are based upon the solid foundation of life in the world or "chopping wood and carrying water" as the Zen Buddhists put it. For those with no strong foundations, altered states might lead downward into more primitive and barbaric states of mind-- "the pre" portion of the "pre-trans" split. Thus the warning should be given, make sure that when you reach for the sky, your feet be planted firmly on the ground. The key point that is made, and affirmed by both Freud and Jung also, is that the development of the ego is an absolutely necessary requirement for healthy human functioning. In the transcendence of the ego it is important that the experience be given time and space to be re-invigorated in ordinary life, or the person becomes "spaced-out" not capable of functioning in the world. And if we weren't supposed to function in the world, what are we doing here anyway.? If you still find all of this hard to understand, then the key to the confusion is in the term ego, which has as many meanings as love or God or any of those other confusing words people are always trying to define. In the '60's, we talked about "ego-death" as the ultimate act of mind. John Lenin once commented that after reading the Psychedelic Experience and taking acid a few hundred times, he didn't even realize who he was or that he had written all of those great songs for awhile. But "ego-death" no matter how intensively experienced, always leads to "ego rebirth." And why shouldn't it because the ego is not some bad ducky thing that has to be disposed off. It is the vehicle which allows us to travel through life. We also link ego with egotistical, as the person who is always patting themselves on the back verbally in front of others or putting on airs. But having a strong ego in the psychological sense doesn't have anything to do with that either. Father of self-actualization theory Carl Jung believed that in as a person becomes self-actualized, that first there needs to be a healthy ego developed. But then, after it's development takes place, then there is a turning away from "ego-centeredness" toward the development of the self, of which the ego is only a part. He called this process "self-actualization." The question of why do we get high translates into why do we want to transcend our ordinary awareness and what is it good for anyway? Ron Siegel never actually tried to account for the reasons for his "forth drive" Andrew Weil and Winfried Rosen listed a variety of reasons for the high, These included: to aid religious practices, to explore the self, to alter moods, to treat disease, to escape boredom and despair, to promote and enhance social interaction, to enhance sensory experience and pleasure, to stimulate artistic creativity and performance, to improve physical performance, to rebel, to go along with peer pressure, and to establish a unique identity. In writing my book, Ecstasy: The MDMA Story, I was forced to face the question of why people get high head on, with respect to one drug in particular, MDMA or Ecstasy as it is popularly referred to these days. I came up with four primary reasons I found that people use this enormously pleasant (for most) psychoactive compound. These were: therapeutic, creativity-enhancement, self-actualization and recreation. We examine each of these in terms of the more general question: why do we want to get high? Perhaps we should look to the gurus or teachers of India (although I doubt many psychotherapists would accept the term willingly) as models for these new kind of healer --then to their more straight-laced colleagues. They view their role as helping client get in tune with their own unconscious by serving as guides on their life's journey. In tribes, the shaman or medicine man would usually take a plant drug, often a psychedelic, and go on a vision quest where they would enter into alternative realities in which they could heal members of their tribes or perform other kinds of magic. In the modern version of shamanism practiced by transpersonal therapists, the individual in search of healing is usually given the psychoactive medicine, whether it is plant derived or one of the new and powerful synthetic compounds and is guided on their own vision quest. The modern shaman does not usually take the psychoactive medicine with their clients (however a small percentage do). But every one of these new breed of healers has to have experience with mind-changing medicines themselves before they can lead others on their journeys.. Here, the goal is to have the medicine enter into alternative states of consciousness where they can gain insights and visions to help them in their ordinary lives. Certainly there is no agreement on the exact mechanism by which they achieve this purpose but many U.S. Government sanctioned studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of psychedelic therapy. Psychedelic therapy which uses a one or a few high dose psychedelic sessions aimed at producing the transpersonal experience, has been demonstrated to be useful in the treatment of alcoholism, severe neurosis ,heroin addiction and the trauma of terminal cancer, in a series of studies conducted mostly in the 'Sixties and 'Seventies. In the mid-Seventies to mid-Eighties, therapists took advantage of the lack of illegality of a more gentle psychoactive compound, MDMA therapeutic sessions aimed at less severe disorders. The experiences produced by MDMA or Ecstasy as it is popularly called these days involve much less sensory distortion than those produced by the major psychedelics such as LSD. MDMA helps individuals to access a state of consciousness in which they their existence in the world as different. People report that the external world seems brighter, more perfect, lighter than usual. They also find it easier to open up with other and express their real feelings. Inwardly, they feel more relaxed, their self-esteem increases and they feel a lifting of the pressures of time. In therapy, MDMA has been used successfully in marriage and couples therapy, post traumatic stress disorder and in trauma produced by terminal disease. Again, the new breed of shamans uses their clients experiences in an alternative state of consciousness as a means of healing. Both the major psychedelics, MDMA and marijuana, which some consider a minor psychedelic, and even stimulants and narcotics have been used in the quest to enhance creativity both in the arts and in problem solving. The Beats, with their excesses and excursions into the realm of drug induced creativity, were not the first but certainly now the most well known and respected of those who experimented with the written word while "high." In fact, it was the Beats who invented the word. Allen Ginsberg, William Burroughs and Jack Kerouac, now three of the most respected literary figures of the Twentieth Century smoke marijuana almost as a religion as well as dabbling in writing while on peyote, LSD, the opiates and amphetamine. Peter Stafford, in his first book, LSD-The Problem Solving Psychedelic documents a the last study done before LSD was made illegal. Conducted by Willis Harman, the current head of the Institute of Noetic Sciences and then at the Standard Research institute, small doses of mescaline were given to engineers who were then given assignments to develop an alternative to the record player for reproducing sound. The CD wasn't born that day but certainly the unique solutions proposed by this engineers illustrates the way that mind-changers shift your view, allowing for the emergence of natural creativity. Later, Oscar Janiger, founder of the Albert Hofmann foundation, had his LSD subjects paint a Indian doll before and while under the compound. The experiments yielded some fascinating paintings, some of which are worth many thousands of dollars because the subjects have become famous artists. Ecstasy too had has it's artistic adherents. A study of creative writing was done during MDMA's grace period before criminalization with at least promising anecdotal evidence of success in increasing creative output. In creativity, as in the previously discussed use in therapy, the mechanism is the entrance of the individual into another state of consciousness where they might have an insight, have a feeling, see a vision, hear a voice or get a unique perspective which they then bring back to the world to express in pictures, words or music. Psychologist Abraham Maslow, who we introduced earlier, coined the world "self-actualization" to describe the next import use of intoxication. Maslow gave birth to new schools of psychology, which he called "humanistic" and "transpersonal." A major theme in humanistic psychology was that psychologists should study healthy and exceptional people rather than only those with mental problems. Up until then, abnormal psychology was THE psychology Instead, he saw a continuum starting with those who were mentally ill through the range of more normal individuals and ending with the "self-actualized" individual at the other end. These self-actualized individuals were those exceptional people in our society who came up with the great theories, produced exceptional novels or art works, were the leaders and successful business men and so forth. These were the people whose lives Maslow thought we should examine. Along with Jung's notion of self-realization, this idea of self-actualization marked a new direction in human consciousness, one that had roots in the myths and religions of cultures around the world but which until then had been mostly ignored by western science. During the past half century, there has been a sure of interest in the spiritual search as many call this new direction. Ram Dass, whose life's work and teaching on the spiritual journey has made him one of the most popular lecturers in America, notes that on his trips though the U.S.. when he talks about spiritual experience, he finds that the crowds have changed. In the 'Sixties and though much of the 'Seventies, it was the young Boomers, the Children of the 'Sixties who came to see him. But more recently, the audience has become more diverse. Not only do the Boomers come but people from many generations and all walks of life. When talking about a very profound experience, Ram Dass noticed an old woman nodding knowingly in one of his Mid-Western lectures as he described his Himalayan mind adventure. Later, the woman came backstage and Ram Dass asked her how she know about experiences such as he was describing. She smiled back at Ram Dass after the question and said, "I crochet." Experiences called "spiritual" of course did not start with Ram Dass or Maslow or LSD. They go back to the earliest of recorded history through which certain individuals have reported mystical experiences including saints, artists and many happy individuals. These have been documented in works like Huxley's Perennial Philosophy and Bucke's Cosmic Consciousness. What is remarkable is that was once referred to by Western mystics he "beatific vision" has been translated by moderns into "getting high." But the experience remains largely the same. The vision quest like our earlier discussions of excursions from the mundane for therapy or creativity is a process. The individual seeks to experience states of consciousness beyond the ordinary and to bring back that vision to help guide their own life and inspire the lives of others. The last category of uses which I discussed in my book is currently the least socially sanctioned but perhaps the most important. That is the recreational uses of getting high. Again, one can go in two directions and certainly it must be acknowledged that there are those who should never try a mind altering substances and many who abuse them with destructive consequences. Peter Stafford, in his article in the Journal of Psychoactive Drugs special issue, "LSD in Retrospect" notes, "Adoption of the term recreational by the government has about it the connotation that such experiences are rather trivial, frivolous and/or or a rather vulgar and lower order nature. In fact however, the impressions conveyed by most individuals engaged in such activities with LSD seems to have been to the effect that the consequences have been of a higher order. The bulk of those responding have repeatedly indicated that they thought that their use of LSD has been among the most important experience of their lives and that the drug's effects have been re-creational." {author's italics}. Stafford's transformation of recreation to re-creation is not elaborated on but I believe that it is essential to the understanding of what I consider the primary significance of drove to get high. This basic urge has as it's underpinnings, the desire to recreate ourselves as we wish to be rather than how the seemingly random events of life molded us. Certainly many developmental theories recognize that although endowed at birth with certain potentials, we are in a way "programmed" by our experiences. Whether you follow the eastern schools and call it liberation or the western and call it personal growth, psychoactive drugs, most specifically those considered mind-expanding have been part of the repertoire developed. A Dutch professor, JohanHuizinga, in the 'Thirties commented that humans might better have been called Homo Ludens than Homo Sapien. Homo Sapien means thinking man. while Homo Lundens names our species playful man. He argued for the later term because while every one of the more developed animal species plays, humans play for a much longer proportion of their life span than any other creature with the exception perhaps of the wales and dolphins, which some may argue play their entire life. Most of use don't realize it but play is essential for learning and growth. Play is a highly creative behavior in which we act out our fantasies. By doing so, we learn many of the behaviors which grow more complex and evolve into our "grown up" culture and civilization. In fact, the philosopher Alan Watts when discussing the heights of Vaspasana Hindu insight he has experienced through psychedelics and meditation in his work, The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are described the entire evolution of the universe as the Hindu term Lilla or play. What is all of this play for, what is it good for. The answer that he gave was that it is all art, like a good piece of music or an admired painting. Consciousness evolves as way of the universe appreciating it's uniqueness and wonder of playful creation. We can get high for therapy, spiritual growth, pleasure, creativity but the key element that makes getting high so useful is that it allows us as adults to play. Externally, our relationship with others and the environment changes and becomes more novel and experimental, internally, we see consider our thoughts and emotions in a new light, or from a new and higher level. My allowing us entry into this alternative state of consciousness which is essentially more playful, it allows us to "deprogram" ourselves, rid ourselves of habitual acts and stultified ways of seeing things. We try on new behaviors and modes of thought the same way an actor dons a costume and mask. This breaks us free of our earlier programming and allows us to consciously choose to become who we want to be and to think what we will. Often times, the mystical or spiritual experience is talked about in terms of the individual experiencing himself or herself as "god." Instead of god out there, god becomes located in us as well as in everything else. And as we become gods, we can recreate ourselves in our own image. Those who write about mind-changing compounds have always recognized this core purpose of drug taking. Bouldiare called it entering an "artificial paradise." Peter Stafford refers to MDMA experiences as"mini-vacations." And of course the hippies in the 'Sixties when on LSD "trips." Their destination a place of magic and mystery, where they could imagine a better, more peaceful world. A place where we can play

Poem

This is another poem, written by me.. it's kind of a dark, strange piece of writing, at least that is how I feel about it. I've never been quite sure of why I felt the things I felt, or why I decided to write the poem like I did (ie: words out of place, etc..). I think it just fit my mood at the time, jumbled confusion.. your presence left a cold shadow of doubt this room hasn't been the same since you expressed your dark desires and i listened.. i felt them you said it would be alright.. and i believed i believed you and you said it wouldn't hurt.. it did and i knew you couldn't stay but i did it anyway when you whispered you loved me i was lost and it didn't seem right but i know it wasn't wrong and this room, just isn't the same.

The word Fuck

killing myths about the history behind a naughty word describing our all-time favourite pastime) The word's fucking meaning today. Fuck means many things. Primarily it is describing the act of copulation, or sex, if you like. However, it has gained a multitude of other uses over the years, all of which are considered rude and indecent by the majority of those people who believe using swearwords is indecent. A famous comedian whose name I cannot recall has written a show about the uses of the word fuck (George Carlin and Monty Python have been suggested, but nobody seems to know who did the thing.. strange.). To not break his copyright (although an extract is available here on E2), I have paraphrased some of them here: The word Fuck can be used as: exclamation: Fuck! It is late, and I need to go. (meaning: "Oh, no!") adjective: it is fucking hot in here (meaning: "very") noun: The fucker needs to go (meaning: person, gender neutral) noun: What the fuck? (expressing disbelief) transitive verb: John fucks Marlene** (meaning: sexual intercouse) intransitive verb: John fucks (meaning: sexual intercourse) adverb: This car is too fucking expensive (strenghens the adverb) insult: Fuck you* *) This is probably a well known usage of the word fuck, but does usually not imply a desire for sexual intercourse with the person this is said to. **) See the section on early roots As explained in the earlier mentioned node, Fuck can be used to express dissatisfaction, dismissal, difficulty and trouble, among other things. Where the fuck did this fucking word come from? Eloquently stated question. The etymology (roots of a word) of the word fuck are unknown. There are, however, several myths and truths to be found. The word (fuk) has alledgedly been around since around 1400. The earliest occurrence of the current spelling was recorded in 1535. Early roots: As noted above, the transitive verb of the word fuck is usually used about something a male does to a female, or another male. This could lead us to believe that some time in the past, the word "fuck" had a meaning of something that a male does to a female during intercourse. Indeed, the root of the word "fuck" is believed to be the word "fokken", which is to beat something against something else, to thrust, to poke, or to push. All of which is relevant in the mentioned current meaning of the word fuck. At the same time, it might be worth noting that "fokken" is a word that is currently in use in Dutch, meaning to raise pigs and other livestock. Therefore, in Dutch, "varkens fokken" is not fucking pigs, but rather raising pigs for sale on the market. However, the word "fokken" also implies the overseing of the act of the livestock's mating - again related to the current use of the word fuck. It might not be of importance (I have not found this in any sources) but the old Dutch word for Jib (the front sail of a sailing boat) is called a "fok". Considering that this sail (on large boats) is often fixed on a protruding boom, and also considering that the golden age of sailing boats happened around the same time as the word fuck was first recorded, it might be a possible explanation. (as I mentioned, I cannot back this tidbit up - it is purely speculation) Early meanings: From multiple sources (among others the translated writings of De Sade, the french writer from whose name "sadism" is derived), it is believed that the word fuck once meant sperm / semen Myths As someone who speaks Norwegian fluently (and as confirmed by Nordicfrost), the word "fukka" is completely nonexistant in the Norwegian. I have not been able to trace it to any dialect, and it does not exist even in the largest dictionaries. There are no words that are closely related meaning the same thing, and according to a professor at UIO (Oslo University), Icelandic - the only true norse language still remaining - has no similar words either. In most sources "dialectical Norwegian" is cited as the source for the word "fukka". Considering the language situation in Norway (see this WU), this could mean pretty much anything. It is, however, fair to assume that for the word to spread to the germanic languages, it would have to come from the areas around Bergen. This is because the time area in question is part of the Hansa trade period, involving shipping and trade, primarily witn Germany. In this area, however, the word (or similarities) have not been found. The common "knowledge" of the word fuck being an acronym are most likely to be false, for a variety of reasons. The most prominent reason for this being false, is that the existance of the word would be dependant of the word replacing something naughty. "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" (Carnal = "of the flesh") and "Fornication Under Consent of the King" (Fornication = sex). Neither of these two would be in need of a more innocent acronym, even in Victorian times. Is this word overused in the language? Most definitely. It is about time that people found a new word usable to shock and disturb moralists. Why does it insult people? Hard to tell. Some believe that the reason people are offended by the word is the trivialisation of sex. The word "fuck" has no emotional connotations whatsoever. At least not when it is used about copulation (it might have strong emotional connotations when used as a curse; "FUCK YOU", but that is, as mentioned, non-sexual). -30-

Firearms

Firearms Refresher Course - Guns and Citizenship FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE 1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject. 2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone. 3. Colt: The original point and click interface. 4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control. 5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords? 6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words. 7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms. 8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any. 9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. 10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved. 11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand? 12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others. 13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday. 14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians. 15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety. 16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive. 17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer. 18. Assault is a behavior, not a device. 19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer. 20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson. 21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them. 22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for. 23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY have, don't make more. 24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves. 25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control. 26. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..." "10 FREE CITIZENS" "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." - Thomas Jefferson "You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." Marcus Cole, Ranger to Franklin, A Late Delivery from Avalon
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs. She has a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the Problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots? The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley rider?" The woman Stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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