lighturfir's blog: "just thoughts"

I have nothing left anymore
i just dont see why i do this
but i continue to do so
a girl entered my life long ago
we sheared such love for each other
in a seccond it was all but a memorry

just another memorry to add to my colection
i broke her...broke her life..her heart..her hopes..her love for me
she broke my trust..my love..my heart..
i have no one to blame this time but myself..
i carry it
always..
sometimes i wish to speak to her..tell her the things i still hide from her and everyone.

i told her everything i could..my deepest darkest secrets, no one has ever heard.
she was my hope in life.
still i stay awake hoping she is safe..i know she is
she has a life of her own..happily married.
i stay in the dark just as i always have
alone..just like i want it, cold...dark...nothing to hurt me but myself.

to me she was my light
to her i will always be..

nightskye..

im sorry...you know who you are...and yet...you will never see this.

The rain had been pouring a moderate volume for some time now, so the fallen leaves were now soggy, wet and yielded under my feet.

I looked to my right as I left the building and I saw a couple. I had seen them as I was walking out of the building and, by the way they were talking and interacting, I thought they were just friends. But as I saw them clasp their hands together as they left the building, I knew they were in a relationship.

I walked left, towards the oddly lit, slightly spooky, pathway that led to the parking lot, which was overfilled with cars, similarly to how the gutter was overfilling with water. They walked right, towards a more secluded area near some trees. I guessed they were going to talk or neck somewhere. I don't know, as I didn't follow them.

But it got me to thinking as I started my dingy, sad trek to the parking lot: I am alone. Not in a depressing, dark way, but in a philosophical way. I am alone, without someone to walk with on a cold, dark, wet autumn night in Chicago. I am alone in the sense that I have no one who loves me in the way that young couple loved each other. I have many friends and family who, if they are not just leading me on, love me more than I know.

My fear set in as I watched the happy couple pass by. My fear of being alone. You all have to admit, it's not so irrational a fear, am I right? We all have some deep-set fear of ending up in a hospital bed alone at 75-years-old and without a soul in the world to secretly confide out last memoirs to. We all fear that we will never find true love.

I sit here and type this now knowing that my fear of being alone has defined me in some ways.

I was once sad and lonely,
Having nobody to comfort me,
So I wore a mask that always smiled;
To hide my feelings behind a lie.

Before long, I had many friends;
With my mask, I was one of them.
But deep inside, I still felt empty,
Like I was missing a part of me.

Nobody could hear my cries at night
For I designed my mask to hide the lies.
Nobody could see the pain I was feeling
For I designed my mask to be laughing.

Behind all the smiles were the tears
And behind all the comfort were the fears.
Everything you think you see,
Wasn't everything there was to me.

Day by day,
I was slowly dying.
I couldn't go on,
There was something missing..

Until now I'm still searching
For the thing that'll stop my crying.
For someone who'll erase my fears,
For the person who'll wipe my tears.

But till then I'll keep on smiling.
Hiding behind this mask I'm wearing.
Hoping one day I can smile,
Till then, I'll be here.. waiting.

my father told me alot of things and showed me just as many he said it takes more to be the bigger man i said like walking away in a fight over something stupid he said no like putting ur heart and feelings aside so that someone else can be happy its knowing the pain is going to come and willing to embrace it in the warmest hugs and make it ur best friend just so someone else is happy ...........i am a bigger man

i know she is telling my boys all kinds of bad things about me an i know they will soon beleave everything she says, to them she is only telling the truth and they will soon hate me never to know the truth that i do love them and miss them so vary much but i know they will deal with this in there own way and will get through it just fine with out me in the picture so why would i want to shater there happy world ?? for my own selfish happyness? to prove myself right? is shatering there world worth it ??no most definetly not so i will play the bad guy and step away to let them heal and grow to live there lives without needing me around

These feeling I have I try to hide
but it is me they seem to find
from time to time
they beat me down
sometimes they just lead me to cry
most the time they make me want to die
why
why couldn't i see
the lies bestowed upon me
if only my head was clear
you would all still be near
sometimes i wonder if you even remember
this estranged family member
i hope and i pray that there will come a day
that i can once again hear you say
say that word that makes my heart melt
until you i have never really felt
anything greater than this feeling
there is no other greater
than being a father