Darkheart's blog: "Just thoughts"

As I drove down the road to my friends house, I couldn't help but see that the lake was very like the one of my dream. So I parked in the drive and looked out over the land. It was strange that it looked familiar as well. Then I started to curse at myself again for thinking about that dream. Got out of the car and saw that my friend had a few people with her as they came out to welcome me. My friend Anna,looked very nice as she came out. Long legs and long black hair. Everyone that she was a goddess with black hair and pale skin, she wrapped her soft curvy arms around me ,like always. "These are my friends ,Danny and Lee." She said as the two people who came with her picked up my bags. I couldn't help but see how nice looking both of them were. Danny was a nice brown haired man . He was tall and Strong,no doubt in my mind that he had a wild side to him. As for Lee she was short and soft. She had long golden hair that went down to her hips. Very nice all together. As we headed to the house, I couldn't help but get that damn dream out of my head. This place could have been my dream if it was night and I was the wind. Which didn't shock me too much ,wasn't the first time my real life crossed in to my dream life. That was story of my life!!! After getting everything in my room,Anna asked if I would like to go to town with her and Danny. I said no thank you,maybe next time. She nodded and they left. So I slipped into my swim suit to do a little R&R in the hot tub. As i was siting there i let my mind wander. It went back to the dreams I had about him. It was a clear night and I was hunting along a stream in the woods. I was stalking a nice pair of wild cats. I was about to come crashing down on the female of the pair, when a smell of a bloody buck crossed my path. I'll take deer over everything but male blood. So i changed my path from the wild cats to fallow the smell of buck. As I went along the path I saw that I was headed for the lake once again. As I got closer,i could see that this buck was huge, so whatever or whoever had killed him,they had to be very strong. So I slowed and slipped into the shadows of the trees to watch for a bit. Nothing happen,but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was a trap. So I turned to fly away,but before i could take flight, i got knocked to the ground by a huge male wolf. He sunk his fangs into the back of my neck this time. That's all I got for now ,I'll write more of it in a few days.

I just Don't get you!! You say we can be friends but then you say "good for you,I'll miss you!! Goodbye" What the fuck is with that crap? Say one thing then do another. Then you wonder why it hurts because you don't even want to give this friendship a shot, if you can't have me as your gf then you don't want me. Funny thing is thats how we started out as friends, I told you that I'm sorry that i hurt you but you hurt me first. Yet i had the balls to still stay your friend even when it hurt like hell. :( This really makes me sad. Because then you truely were never a true friend, True friends stand by you no matter what happens. Well I'm sorry that I hurt you. Sorry that i fucked up and couldn't give you the answer you wanted when you wanted it. :(

Thought to myself as I pulled out of the drive,what the hell was I doing. I thought here I am about to take off to spend time with a friend at her lakeside home,in the middle of one of the best work week for the coffee shop. I laughed as I drove south in the rain,I must be crazy I said to myself. A few hours went by and I found my thoughts drift to him. This guy that I keep seeing in my dreams. As I got farther away from the city,the more wild I became it seemed. Thought to myself how can a guy that was the ruler of my dreams bug me so. As I thought I found my mind slip back to last night dream. This one was even more hot then the last one. It started out as a storm was breaking. In it I was me but not me. I was like the wind it's self. I was flying through the woods along a lake. My eyes and ears were extra sharp. I just caught the smell of a kill. As I was headed for it,i picked up a musky smell that only comes from a pure wild male. So I slowed down and found a nice dead deer. I found myself change from the wind back to human. I was just about to sink my fangs into the deer, when I got pounced on by a big male wolf. He was huge and lean. As we fell to the ground,i couldn't help but feel that not only was he huge in the upper part of his body ,but the lower part as well. As we twisted and turned in a pile of leafs, I could feel a shock all around him. As this shock got bigger a light started to cover him. Then he started to blur and shift in front of me. By this time I tried to slip back into the wind ,but it was to late. He had already stuck his sharp fangs into my shoulder. So I was pined between the ground and this half man/half wolf. The more I tried to pull free the tighter his bite got,then another burst of light and energy and there on top of me was this huge man. As he looked at me ,his eyes burn the most golden light ,I had ever seen. It was as bright as fire and as piercing as the sun. I thought what can i do. If I try to pull away he'll drain me,if I stay a worse fate. Because by this time my body was letting me know more then one way that there was a all male on top of me. Very powerful and very pulling. What to do , I couldn't think. The hungry topped off by a male,I just couldn't think. Just when I was about to give up I woke up and my body was shaking. By this time, I had reached my turn off and I was cursing myself for letting my thoughts once again drift to him. How silly could I get,it wasn't as if I was hard up for sex,that I could get at the coffee shop anytime. So what was it about this dream lover that I couldn't shake even in my wake hours. Why was there such a pull to him and why could I not shake the feeling that he was more. By this time I had come to the road that lead to the lake house. That's all I got for now,I'll finish this one in the next few days. ;)

This is not a story just thoughts. I had to get off my mind!! But working on the next story!! But this is for a friend that I miss and worry about all the time!! You are one of the lights in my life. You are one of the people I think about all the time. You made me laugh and cry both. You made me feel lost and found at the same time. You understood me when others didn't. You open me up when others couldn't. Now that you've gone. I feel lost and empty without you. I feel as if one of my brightest lights in my life has gone out. I know we didn't talk much but still I miss you.

A dear friend told me once that his feelings were this. If you love someone,then no matter how bad it gets you always love that person. Or something like that,don't recall word for word on how he put it. Thanks to that I thought I'd truly open up for once and hold nothing back,so here is the blog wrote in that spirit. For once let me be me. You say you'd love me forever. Yet you don't know me. You don't know the soul that lies here. The soul that screams to be free. The soul that has tasted the wind. The soul that has played with the night. The soul that craves for the taste of rain on her lips. The soul that screams for the family that runs in the shadows. For once let me be me. You say you'd love me forever. Yet you don't know me. You don't know the soul that lies here. The soul that howls at the moon. The soul that wanders in the shadows. The soul that craves to ride the waves of life. The soul that screams for release from the lie. The soul that knows the inner souls of ones around her. For once let me be me. You said you'd love me forever. Yet you don't know me. You don't know the soul that lies here. The soul that craves to be hold. The soul that craves to be seen. The soul that craves to be heard. The soul that begs to be understand. The soul that can't be changed. FOR ONCE LET ME BE ME. YOU SAID YOU'D LOVE ME FOREVER. YET YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU DON'T KNOW THE SOUL THAT LIES HERE.

this is whats going on if anyone cares. I'm working my as off lately and haven't had time to be online much. when i do get on all i get is hell for not being around. It's like if your my true friend you'd understand, that my mom and dad are sick,and between takeing care of them and trying to pay my bills i don't have time for me. I'm all my mom and dad have because my brothers are to busy with their own lifes. The last damn think I need is for people who say they are my friend and love me is for them to jump down my throat and say i'm lieing to them,that what i'm saying i'm doing i'm not. so back the fuck off ok,i'm close to the end of my rope and right now i need people who really give a shit about someone other then them!!

Here once again I find myself on this path and the next. So many have i touch and so few have i let near me. I wander one path to the next path and find my mind wondering. Was it enough to show you what was inside of you,did i give you the wind to take flight on your own. So much i wanted to say and so little did i say. So now here i am on these paths of life and I wonder will i every show the real me to anyone. Or will i be one of the ones that is there in the shadows of others. As I wander I think of all i have come across and all those I had pushed away when i meant to hold on to them. I think have all I said and showed was it enough so that those i love and care about don't walk their paths as I have. Always wanting someone to share my long nights and my crazy days with but yet never letting any of those who gave their love and kindness without a second thought to me. I can't help but wonder where will my wanderings leave me and will those I cross hold me or let me go. Time has a funny way with all of us, sooner or later it all catches up with all of us. So when all that i have said and all that I haven't said has gone as far as it can go will it be enough. I'm use to being the lone wolf but just because i am one does not mean that I want others to be like me. I think and worry about all those who have crossed my paths and wonder was all I done and said ,all that i am enough to stop them from going down the life paths that I have gone down. i am a shadow that is what a dream walker is a shadow that crosses from one world to another and everything in between. Was I enough for any of the souls that i crossed,and will I be enough for those i have not crossed yet. All these wanderings I've done and all the things i wondered about,will they ever be enough for anyone?

I've been busy with working two jobs so have been aways from the computer, working and playing and thats all I've been up to. What I mean by play is working with a smile on my face even when i hate some of the work i got to do,but got a big bill over my head that needs to be payed by sept. As well I've been asked to take a few photos of some bands that come from my home state. Well thats all I'll say for now,been a long day traveled a long trip today almost dead on my feet catch you all later!!

I took a week off to recharge and found out that I had more feelings then i thought, so this is just a random blog so take it however you want!!How to say all that I want to say. Just go for it. I wonder if you every think about me. I wonder what you think or feel when it comes to me. I know that you wonder how I feel and what I think. So here is a peek into my dark soul and heart,it just for you,all of you that want to know. When the time comes I wonder will I be one of the ones you love,know,feel and understand. When the day comes when you have to face yourself will you see me there along with those dear to you. Well I be one of the ones that will always be a part of you or will I be one of the forgotten waves in your life. Will the thought of me cross your mind the day fate holds the glass of your life in front of you. Will you understand where you fit in my life. Will you know how the thought of you has changed my life. Will all that is said and unsaid hit you like a wave as it did me. Will I ever be more then a thought in the back of your mind,or am I only that. The soft darkness in your mind,that you know is there but yet never let anyone know I'm there. Will you understand the true me, that only you know but yet never allow yourself to know me openly. You let me in only when you want to, you let me in only when you close yourself off to everyone else. You only feel me when you allow yourself to,yet you can never close me out can you. Because I show you the inner you the one you hide from always. I'm love,happiness,loneliness,life,death,forever and never. All wrap up in one,for I feel all of them even when they are not my feelings but the feelings of those around me. You long for me but loath me at the same time,you trust me and distrust me all at the same time. Yet the farther you run from me the more you see yourself through me. So when the day has come and fate holds you between this world and the next will I be one of the dear ones you see within you as you look at your life glass.

Here is my feelings the ones that I hide from eeveryone. I feel as if everyone I love leaves me. I also feel that Death hates me,because he takes everyone I really love away. I have lost so many of the ones I care about and love that it's not funny.One thing that always stays the same is I'm always left when everyone eles is gone. I am truely alone in this world everyone says oh thats not true but It is, my family has turned their back on me all the way. I have no real offline friends that leave near me. The online people who say their my friend are only my friends untill I get to personal with them or untill they find out that I'm not going to get naked for them on cam and play for them, then the find someone else. Don't get me wrong I like to do that every once and awhile with those that I trust aren't going to post me playing with myself all over the net. But It's like F*ck you theres more to me then that. If thats all you want then go hit up a porn site or get in one of the yahoo chat rooms theres alot of people who'll play live for ya. Just tired of being lied to and only good enough for you untill I don't feel like playing with myself for you,then oh well so long girl. You know thats a shity way to be,but hay whatever rocks your boat.