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50 Things to do During Finals
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say ``oh geez, better get cracking'' and do some gibberish work.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming ``Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!''
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the surface integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, ``I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.'' Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, ``I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?''
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say ``They've found me, I have to leave the country'' and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out ``Merry Christmas.'' If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat the process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up. For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc.)
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out ``Fuck this!'' and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (e.g. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to get drunk.)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means that at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him in a very derogatory tone, ``The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!''
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling ``I'm here, the phantom of the opera'' until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for you right to take the exam.
31. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.
32. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise your're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment ``Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.''
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Do the exam on your laptop. Make sure the simulated keyboard noises are on.
44. Play frisbee with a friend on the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Start with your calculator, move on to your desk, your chair, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say ``it helps me think.'' Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase ``Told you so.''
50. Answer the exam with the ``Top Ten Reasons Why Professor Sussman Sucks.''
13 Reasons a Handgun is Better Than a Woman
1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.
9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger."
Man's Law (about 30 of them)
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game e. When your Date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing machine accident.
6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: a. You'd rather stay home and watch swamp buggy reruns.
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).
13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.
14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
17. Only in situations of Moral peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's Booda, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?
28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need
29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
30. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.
31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
