odesseyblue's blog: "just some funnies"

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS 1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it. 6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs. 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too. 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news. 10. Don't even think about trying it twice. (Notice: I sent it in large type so you could read it.)

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what is the matter with you ?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Having reached the age of 62, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said. At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and with that she promptly processed my application. When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office. She listened to the whole story and then said,"You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability, too."

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were nearly one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and Take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well... Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The nearly- deaf sister said to her twin,"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer together,"said the cameraman. Again,"WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin, the nearly-deaf twin shouted out, "OH, GOOD HEAVENS - BOTH OF US?"

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER! Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines! AMERICA, THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE