RubyJean's blog: "Just me...Nothing more!"

Sorry I've been away so long. I spend a lot of time on MySpace. Which isn't to say I have a lot of time to spend these days!! I am working at Walmart, these days, which is going ok, as far as Walmart goes. But, I'm working my ass off, and don't have time for much else. Not a lot of progress has been made on the divorce, but it is becoming more and more clear to me that I'm going to have to give "him" custody of the boys. It's almost more then I can stand to think about. I don't know how to function without my boys up my butt 24/7. And frankly, I don't have a lot of confidence in his ability to handle all their psychiatric requirements. But, I know that I can't work, and support them, and take care of my OWN psychiatric needs, too. I don't know how this is going to work, but I have to go with my guts, and my guts seem to be betraying my heart on this one. That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Is that really true? Because this might kill me!

I saw my surgeon, yesterday about the lumps in my breast. Apparently, TriCare doesn't pay for MRI's on breasts, so we have no recourse but to ignore it for now, or to do a needle biopsy. With no family history of breast cancer, but a strong history of fibrocystic breasts, I feel no real concern. But, I also know how very quickly breast cancer can spread and become deadly. I asked the surgeon, flat out, if I was his wife, what would he do. He said biopsy. So, I said, let's do it! I feel such a kinship, right now, with WitchKitty, as she goes through this one step ahead of me. And I have faith that we are both going to be just fine! My friend, Steve, is all move in from New York, but the way the weather has been, lately, he's kind of wondering if he's back in New York!! One of my fishing buddies, Joe, just set him up with a new rod and reel, and we are ready to hit the water! LOL You KNOW I'm loving it! I've been been thinking a lot about happiness lately, and I jotted this down, while I had some time during my son's Doctor appointment, yesterday... I've generally felt that people create their own happiness withing the confines of their own realities. And, for the most part, I still believe that's true. I have learned, over the span of many years of difficult, and often painful, circumstances, how to find or create happy moments in the world around me. God's wonder surrounds me and I continually seek it out. Things have changed for me recently, however, in a such a dramatic way,that I have given a great deal of thought to hapiness. It is true that no one can make me happy. No one else can force me to feel something I don't allow them to inflict upon me. But, we've all been affected by people in our lives who seem to illicit strong emotion from us, whatever that emotion may be. I have spent more years than I care to acknowledge in a state of anxiety, often times not even realizing it. Funny how it creeps in and blackens your soul. Recently I have found myself more happy and at peace than I can recall being my entire adult life. I'm not sure if I should mourn the wasted years or rejoice in the ones to come. As I share my special places that bring me peace and solitude, I find those places hold much less beauty than they used to. The beauty is suddenly held in sharing these places dear to me with one who yearns to join me in this part of my world. In these moments, it dawned on me one day that I was neither seeking happiness, nor was it being forced upon me. I was simply being enveloped by it. I feel the blackness being swept from my soul and I am at home in my own skin for the very first time.

Sometimes things can change in a hurry. How do you keep your feet on the ground when everything in you wants to take flight? Nothing about my life has really changed, but opportunities are about to become clear. Someone who makes my heart soar and my body flame, has arrived. How do I balance what must be, with what I desire? What lies ahead promises to be pure heaven and absolute hell, yet I welcome it with open arms...and I hope I can be strong enough for the both of us!

I haven't been around in ages. I've been spending a lot of time on a couple of my other sites. I decided that I had better get my big ole hiney back over here, before Jer stopped leaving me comments, and Eli started stalking me! hehe Wimsey, I miss talking to you, but that's my fault, too. I see you logged in all the time, but I don't really have that much positive to say. That's what I pay a shrink for, right? LOL I have started working for Liberty Tax Service, althought, I have a feeling I'm going to spend more time on the street, waving at traffic in that damned Statue of Liberty costume, than I am behind the computer screen. Taxes SUCK, and I'm pretty sure the IRS wrote the tax law to fuck with people like me. I already have that glazed look in my eyes! lmao I'm spending less and less effort looking for friends with benefits and just looking for friends with long, strong arms. I'm so tired of watching the live in, legally bound, sperm-donor develop his relationship with Ms. Perfect, while I sit high and dry in my corner...as cold and lonely as I've ever been. Her ex-husband recently came down to help her with some car trouble and apt. related issues. It took all I had in me to keep my mouth shut when he thanked us for treating her like family. BWAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah Some kind of fucked up kissing cousin, maybe. I need a sugar daddy with a spare house that is standing empty. lmao I know those are growing on trees around here! Ok, blah, blah, blah...oral diarhea is over for tonight.

And yet, I'm going to manage to find them, I'll betcha. ;-) I haven't been on the site for a while, as some of you have noticed. I have been wrapped up in a couple of my other sites. I am a chat admin at AdultSpace, which takes up some time. Also, I have spent a lot of time on my MySpace page, Now, I find myself deeply embroiled in some drama that has my world turned upside down. I have a new "friend", and throught this friend, I introduced my best friend to his friend. So, after knowing him for three days, she ups and leaves her husband for him! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They live across the street from me! Everyday, I have to deal with the emotional backlash with her 12 year old daughter. I pace the yard with her husband, trying to help him make sense of what doesn't make any damned sense to ME! I should say that my husband and I have an open marriage. We DO this sort of thing. They DO NOT! I thought I had some sense talked into her the day before. Then, that night, we were supposed to just be going out. Next thing I know, I'm the only one going home. WTF????????????????? I feel like I have been punched in the gut, almost as badly as her husband. I obviously don't know her nearly as well as I thought I did. She just keeps doing things that make me want to bitch slap her. I love this woman with all my heart. She has walked through fire with me. But, I'm ready to throw her off a fucking cliff! The sad part is that he is a great guy. In another time and place, he would be the perfect guy for her. I hope he doesn't end up getting screwed over, too. I hope like hell he's taking notes! Her 2 year old seems to be adjusting to seeing her for a few hours a day, but that is probably about to come to an abrupt end. The 12 yo is shattered. What a fucked up world. I need a hug!

Finally made it on here! We got home from our Thanksgiving jaunt out of town, to discover that our phone/cable/internet was cut off. Then, I vaguely remembered being told by the finance master that that might happen. I just forgot. So....here I am, at the library...waiting for payday to get here.,...................... ........................................... ........................................... ........................................... ........................................... .......................Is it here yet? :-D See you in a few days!

Just realized that I copied this from another site and you guys have NO CLUE who I'm talking about! hehehe Those of you who are on fishing boards know fishing names when you hear them. The rest of you probably think I'm talking martian! hehehe If you ever run across Fishndbridge,Girlsfish2, or FishnChick...you caught me! lmao

The laundry is flying, the tackle is being sorted, and I STILL don't know where the sleeping bags are, but...it's official! The boys and I are going to Tampa for the weekend!!! If we can't find the sleeping bags, the boys get their first lesson in BEDROLLS! OMG...SLEEP ON THE GROUND?????????????? They'll get over it! hehehe At least they have a tent to sleep in! :-D Chumhead offered to let me use his Kayak for the weekend, so that is now firmly strapped to the top of the van! YAY Also taking the Iyak, so the boys won't whine while I am out yaking away, being schooled in how to turn back over, when I dump myself in Tampa bay! LOL Sure hope Vlap and CooknFish have their cameras ready for THAT shot! lmao Sooooo...I'll be back on the net Sunday night, sometime. Dolphinanchor, I sure wish you were going to be joining us, but I'm so sorry about your uncle! Trim-Tab, we'll miss you, too.

The "Older People" Survey (Meant to be completed by those ADULTS out of high school) Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids? 'Have you ever kissed someone?' 'Missed someone?' 'Told someone you loved them?' 'Drank alcohol?' Here are some questions for the people who are a little more mature...okay, OLD. 1. What bill do you hate paying the most? Electric...I live in Florida...can you IMAGINE? 2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? Define romantic? Is that still in Webster? 3. Last time you puked from drinking? Geez, I think that's only happened once, maybe. I'm usually the DD. Drinking isn't really my thing. 4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Oh PULEEZZZZZZZZZZ!!!! lmao 5. Name of your first grade teacher? No clue! LOL I've slept since then! 6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Fishing with my best friend. Unfortunately, work calls! 7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? A writer, or an English teacher. 8. How many colleges did you attend? Primarily one, but my parents wouldn't pay for a second year of THAT party! lmao I took a few more classes at UTA, after returning home. 9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? It's the official IronMan volunteer T-Shirt and I had to wear it to get into the Volunteer Appreciation Banquet. VERY cool event to be a part of!! 10. GAS PRICES! First thought? Gotta drive! Whatcha gonna do? 11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where to and who with? Sooooooo many options! I'd either move farther south in Florida, or to south Texas. The fishing is better in S. Florida, and I am from Texas. As to WHO...if I couldn't take all three of my kids, I might not take anyone at all! :-D 12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? OMG, it's MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!! 13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? HOLY CRAP, I have to be up early! 14. When's the last time you showered? This afternoon. 15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex? Briefs! hehe 16. What errand/chore do you despise? Anything gross. 17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery? No. I'd rather volunteer at the zoo, or something like that. 18. Get up early or sleep in? Sleep in, for SURE!!! Go ahead...TRY to wake me up!! SUCKER! 19. What is your favorite cartoon character? Calvin! 20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy? Fish! 21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it!? ;-) 22. When did you first start feeling old? The first time someone called me Ma'am! lmao I think I was about 30! 23. Favorite 80's movie? Lord, I don't know. 24. Your favorite lunch meat? Smoked turkey. 25. What do you get every time you go into Wal-mart? Diet Coke and Hershey Nuggets with Almonds. 26. Beach or lake? Beach...well, the ocean, really. Not real fond of sand in my coochy-coo! lmao 27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20? Ideally, no. 28. Who do you stalk on LC/CT? Stalk? No one. There are a few I try to keep track of, though! hehe 29. Favorite guilty pleasure? See #25 30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? ROFLMAO...None, I'll let you laugh right out loud at me! 31. What's your drink? #25 again! hehe 32. Cowboys or Indians? Indians 33. Cops or Robbers? Cops 38. Who from high school would you like to run into? Billy Shupe! Always love seeing him! 39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? Wave 100.1 - 70's, 80's, and today! 42. Norm or Cliff? Norm! 43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? Cosby Show. 44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? Boy, there have been a few. I'll let you know when the book comes out! 45. Do you like the person who sits across from you at work? Since I work at home, I guess I'll have to put up a mirror! hehehe 46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill? No one. 47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Not really sure? 48. What famous person would you like to sleep with? Sean Connery, Liam Neeson...sensing a trend? 49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? Nope! 50. Last book you read for real? It's really been a while. :-( Tried to get into Dante's Inferno a while back and then got tied up in some family drama. Have to get back to that soon. 51. Do you have a teddy bear? Yes. Isn't that sort of a girl requirement? 52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? Camping 53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to? Anywhere in the north. 54. Number of texts in a day? VERY rare. I am usually out of minutes! LOL 55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship? Career, for sure! I haven't had one of those, yet! 56. Do you go to church? Yes, as often as I can, which sometimes isn't saying much. 57. Pencil or pen? Both 58. Bueller??? Bueller??? Bueller??? Anybody? Anybody? 59. How many jobs have you had? About 10, since I was 14. Someday, I'm going to go back to school and get a grown-up job! lmao 60. What do you want to achieve in life? Get my kids raised into productive, happy adults, and then LIVE! (Hey, did you actually *read* all this? I'm impressed... you get extra cookies from me.)

You know, I see al these bulletins about so-and-so needs to level up, and vote for the sexiest canine tooth and all this bullshit...but when I try to get people to remember a few of our troops, it gets TOTALLY ignored! So, today, I ponied up and made it sticky. I have no problem with contributing to CherryTap at all. I love this site. But DAMN!!!! What are these peoples priorities! One of these guys is dealing with some hairy shit in Afghanistan! One of these guys is asking for postcards, to make his place feel like home, and break up the never ending bordom. One of these guys is stateside, writing the plans and regs that keeps them ALL safe under difficult situations, and one of them, I just don't know well enough yet to tell you. But, he wears the uniform, and that's good enough for me! There are so many more on this site, and the petty, high school, note-passing idiocy gets so old! This concludes todays rant. That is all.